Wednesday, December 19

If you won't save me, please don't waste my time

Listen up, what's the time, said today I'm gonna speak my mind. Take me up to the top of the world I wanna see my crime. Day by day there's a man in a suit who's gonna make you pay for the thoughts that you think, and the words they won't let you say. One fine day, gonna leave you all behind. It wouldn't be so bad if I had more time. Sailing down a river alone, I've been trying to find my way back home. But I don't believe in magic, life is automatic and I don't mind being on my own.

Had a good day with Em last week, and good days are fun. Went to Lincraft to buy bees on cloth to sew indie patches, and find lace which was, in the end, not found. Returned a violently overdue library book, then bought ribbon for my nefarious star jar making schemes. Walked past balloon dude making massive balloons, then went lunch and walked past huge massive adorable Yoshi plushie. His foot was the size of my head. Ate food, fished radioactive green jelly from the bottom of the dessert. Then chilled at Myer for a very, very extensive amount of time. Went through the underwear section cause it's fun, then went to toys which was also fun and sometimes disturbing cause people make creepy toys. Then finally went to the electronics section to find lights, which had been the initial objective. Found lights. Lights sold out. Sat on the floor browsing through stationery instead. Then had tea at Chocolate Lounge. I am noob at the tea making. Then bought a key ring. Then got escorted down to the platform.

Gift wrap on Monday was also fun. Met a second year comm student from Melbourne who was wrapping with me, and when Anita randomly visited, turned out they knew each other too. Sometimes the world can be very small. Gift wrapped with Julia last week too. We struggle under pressure.

Monday, December 10


Came out ages ago, but I was listening to the album on repeat today so felt I had to stick my songfeels somewhere. SO HERE HAVE SOME SONGFEELS.

Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street, faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly. Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall, like the colours of autumn so bright just before they lose it all. Losing him was blue like I'd never know, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red. 
Touching him was like realising all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Memorising him was as easy as knowing the words to your old favourite song. Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realising there's no right answers. Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong. Losing him was blue like I'd never know, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red. 
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it's time now gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head. Burning red. Loving him was red. 
Losing him was blue like I'd never know, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red. Burning red.  
And that's why he's spinning round in my head. Comes back to me, burning red. His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. 
Elton John was playing on the bus back home. I was rocking out to the Crocodile Rock. It was wonderful.

For some reason we were singing this at dinner. Randomly popped up. Old cheesy pop songs. 

Mmmm so what have I done lately? I shall check my calendar.

After speech night:

- Partner interview. Was good. Bonded with the partner. 
- Passed driving test. 
- And according to my calendar, the only other thing I've done since speech night was see Austin today. I felt like I did a lot more though...
- Oh had training for gift wrap with Julia. Went to the pleases first to get stuff signed and stamped, then had Schnitz for dinner. My feet really hurt by the end. All this standing and walking business. 
- OH YES I WENT OUT WITH BEC. Went to San Churro and had weirdly salty churros. Then had sushi for lunch. Walked up and down and all around Knox. Saw nice dresses but I never buy anything without my mum, so went back the same night with family to buy dresses. 
- Saw Bond again with the brother because he didn't have anyone to see it with but now he does so we've both actually ended up seeing it twice. Got lost trying to find Hoyts. 

Event-wise, it looks to be a good rest of the week. Haircut, orientation day, gift wrap, then Em. Then further gift wrapping next week. Just hope no one rocks up with a basketball.

Changed the layout cause I decided I don't like blinding white and orange. I remember someone once read really deeply into the fact that all our blogs were black or grey. To be fair, we did seem to like blacks and greys. 

Wednesday, November 28

All the roads we have to walk are winding

Well, this is a little bit cool.

Today was gonna be the day, but they'll never throw it back to you. By now, you should've somehow realised what you're not to do. All the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. I don't know how.
Had a pickernick last week. That was fun. Friends, food, ice-cream, ridiculously warm weather, bubbles, leaf crowns. Then we split, third-wheeled Bleh to Lincraft. Played air hockey with Blam as Em frolicked amongst rolls of cloth. They got slusheeeeeeeesssss.

Speech night last night was interesting. Had three generations of music captains at dinner, and some other people. Was good. Had a laughter and talking headache before speech night even started. Was fun. Hugs. Many hugs. I do like hugs. I miss it all. Went down to the pub like cool kids afterwards, conversed with teachers, had lemonade. We always go for the hard stuff.

And every time I tell that particular story, everyone's a bit like "wut. How does that work?" And what I said yesterday was true. The one person who, in my mind, had any right to be annoyed or flip out on me or have any issue with it is probably the only person who doesn't. So yeah. Thanks little friend. I am eternally grateful.
Get a grip on yourself it don't cost much.

Friday, November 23

Of virtual housekeeping/cleaning

Currently cleaning out files on computer to make space for four seasons of Pokémon. After I copy them over, I'm not going to have much space left over for anything else. OH WELL. If only this damn external hard drive would work. I plug it in, it whirs, and then just sits there being invisible. Sigh.

However, I am now free. Wheeeee. A whole month and a half of doing nothing. Need to learn scales again. Need to sell all these uni textbooks I have sitting here taking up to much space. Shall start reading again. Finished piano on Wednesday, went and lunched with friends. Sat and chilled on State lawn for a little bit after that, freaked Tony out with my indecision. Copland thingo tonight. Should be alright. Something about celebrating the end of the year, and they feed us, so yes, should be good. Going somewhere beforehand with Anita. Don't know where. Just somewhere. Due to timing issues with the little sister's schooling times, have to get out to city early. Shall shop for card/present-making supplies.

Went to information night last night. We used to be so young.

And that's first year done. Weird. Weird weird weird. Still feel like I'm only just fresh out of high school. Things are different (duh). And the way people are and the way things work have to be different because situations have changed, and our lives are different. I realised that a long while ago. Still working on accepting it.

Sunday, November 18

I still do not understand why people have an issue with wearing jeans with runners

Then again, I hardly ever wear anything that isn't jeans and runners.

Friday, November 16

You know I love you so

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones. Turn it into something beautiful. You know, you know I love you so.
So I had untimely sickness during exam period right before two exams and a gig. It was wonderful. Still sick, but not floored by it any more. Now must cram piano. Which is never a good idea. Finished watching season one of Castle this morning. Started yesterday afternoon. Now I have nothing to watch cause season two is only half downloaded dammit. 

Coldplay was good. We were a bit far away. But it was wonderful. Full of pyrotechnics and confetti. And stupid tall people with their stupid beers and stupid cigarettes in front of us. And then my mylo band died halfway through...oops. But was good. ATA then killed me the next morning though. Sigh. OH WELL. DONE. FIRST YEAR OVER. NEARLY. KIND OF. I just dislike the fact that I should've done better. It's not the actual mark, I don't know that for another month. It's just the fact that whatever mark I do end up getting won't be what I was capable of. That's what kinda irks me, but ceebs applying for consideration and sitting supps. Don't want to spend the whole break studying. 

But it was a good day anyway because I got to see Mahi and Bec and Alice and Julia, and then we went to lunch, though Alice had to go do something with her teeths or something. But we had crepes/croque monsieur, and it was nice to laugh and talk and watch friends appreciate good-looking French waitresses. It's fun to make up fragrance names, and eat other people's mushrooms. I do like my friends. Then I ditched, and trained home with Austin, which was also very enjoyable. 

It was a good day. 

Now I have to practice piano hidfhpsihodsfhdshf

Wednesday, November 7

Your name has echoed through my mind

And I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand. 
This daydream is dangerous.
Slept in til about quarter to ten this morning. Latest in quite a long while I believe. Oops. Had piano lesson. Piano teacher showed me from where in Philadelphia she was on Google maps. Have spent the past week or two listening to Taylor Swift shuffle. 

Burnt my thumb on my hair straightener today, so now it's all shiny and stings a little. On the bright side, I got three free ice-creams at Flinder's so I could freeze it on the train back home. 

Had macro yesterday. Was alright. Thought I got something right, but appaz not. Oh well. Done, gone, and now I can go recycle my macro notes cause not touching eco again. Once the recycling gets taken out in a week, cause it's ridiculously full right now. 

Sigh it's been three weeks zzzzzzzzzz. Not that I'm counting. 

And a year's passed. Well, still a month and half to go. But still. Nearing the end. Weird. Just looked through my diary. Had no entry for 7th November last year, but had methods exam 1 on the 8th. So it was a day before methods. 

Almost theresies. My thumb is numb. And Jay-Z is ridiculously tall. He usually looks shorter. 

Mood: good enough. Kind of nothing. Just kind of waiting for it to be done. Ten days til Jess is back. Two weeks til I'm all done for this year. 

Sunday, November 4

Reasons for :)

I just went through my box of letters and cards and postcards and assorted other things (e.g. really squished paper flower from Valentine's last year, crane with lyrics, invite to my own birthday, printouts of emails). Reasons for happy: I have cool friends who make me stuff. They also come up with very interesting metaphorical analogy-cal simile-y things.

In other news, two family members currently sick. I can't be sick for the next three weeks. It's alright. Just try not to breathe.

Thursday, October 25

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.

Saturday, October 13

More exciting news (I'm really bad at post titles but feel like they still deserve titles)

Started a new diary today. Yes, exciting news. So diary the fifth is the one Jess gave me for my birthday this year. It joins the original beat up and battered Hello Kitty with the bits falling of plastic cover, the funky green stripy one with the funky make shift book mark and my name on it in newspaper letters, the third black one which was aptly full of black...moments (not that black, my life is pretty white or something) but also some very nice moments because that was the one that went with me to France, and the fourth brown one which I bought with Jess from QV.

This diary's really heavy. I suspect toting my diary to uni was why my bag broke. Reading back is kinda amusing yet very very cringeworthy, especially when I look at/read my thirteen-year-old self. Very cringey.

Exciting cash flow reconstructions to be done. I kinda suck at this part. So must practice and then beast the eggzam. Which is in a month and a day. Four and a half weeks. Bring it.

Loljk please don't, I'm not ready.

Tuesday, October 9

Inches and minutes

Or something. I had to google it to find out why girls were posting it all over Facebook. It's another one of those chains to "raise awareness for breast cancer". No idea how it does in any way shape or form...but yes. The point is, I've realised how tiny my foot is. Most of the statuses say "eight inches", eight being their shoe size. Just checked the shoes I'm wearing...I'm assuming US sizing, of which my shoes are eight. But thing is they're massive cause I stick insoles in and stuff my jeans inside them. French size 40. I'm usually 34/36 Chucks are five or five and a half. Although I think Chuck sizing is different.

Yeah. This was a pointless post about the smallness of my feet. Now I have killed enough time on my phone, time to APA lecture.

Tuesday, October 2


Alors tu vois, comme tout se mêle et du cœur à tes lèvres, je deviens un casse-tête. Ton rire me crie de te lâcher avant de perdre prise, et d’abandonner. Car je ne t’en demanderai jamais autant. Déjà que tu me traites comme un grand enfant. Nous n’avons plus rien à risquer, à part nos vies qu’on laisse de coté. Et il m’aime encore, et moi je t’aime un peu plus fort. Mais il m’aime encore, et moi je t’aime un peu plus fort.

Car sans rire c’est plus facile de rêver à ce qu’on ne pourra jamais plus toucher. On se prend la main, comme des enfants, le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naïvement.

Il m’aime encore, et toi tu m’aimes un peu plus fort. Mais il m’aime encore, et moi je t’aime un peu plus fort. Et malgré ça, il m’aime encore, et moi je t’aime un peu plus fort. Mais il m’aime encore, et moi je t’aime un peu plus fort.
So I totes didn't fail my French essay. And didn't die on stage. And I remember why I kept going with music. I always, always seem to forget.

Nothing comes of nothing. First year almost done.

Sunday, September 30

More good day and special day to be documented in diary

Last Thursday:

- Did not buy leather jacket
- Ate burgers
- Threatened to kick birds
- Hamer Hall
- Got immensely sunshined on then rained on
I realise your love is the best sound I have ever heard.

- Met Alice who was on her lonesome cause everyone was late
- Ate lots of food
- A lot of it
- Massive potato chips
- Sandwiches with too much capsicum
- Actually, just the fact that there was capsicum was too much
- Gave said capsicum to Alice
- Avoided capsicum in the pasta salad
- Cat's adorable face
- Julia chinning people
- Getting married
- Eating more food
- Watching Mags' face when we gave her presents
- Train home with Bec

Aaaaaand no more seeing them all together for the next two months or so. Sigh.



- Finished Preview, walked down to apartment in heels which were starting to kind of hurt by that point
- Bought sushi
- Was stupid and also bought Maccas
- Left sushi for hungry friends
- Got hugged by person I had met for only an hour. It was kind of weird. Friendly, but weird invasion of personal space bro.
- Chilled at apartment eating food on the kitchen bench
- Fixed Cat's dress. Eheheheheheehehe.
- Missed tram. Stood around in cold waiting for next tram. Moaned.
- Caught tram. Got off tram. Went inside with friends, then left again like cool people do.
- Had pleasant walk back to Southern Cross with Mahi
- Trained home with Mahi

Friday, September 28

Picture me complaining with all this

You could say I made it, but I'm fading, cause I miss you. Can we go back? But the issue: this time we can't get back. What happened to you? Come back. Cause I miss you. Can we go back? 
Feeling good now. Went for piano lesson in the morning. Dog got in the way of the pedal. Got mega confidence boost and the seal of approval I was looking for. Still need to work much. Within the next two weeks I have assignments for macro and APA, a French oral, an assessment day for vac work, the online testing which "should take around an hour" to complete before the assessment day, probs should fix my CV, need to prep for the interview accompanying the assessment day, masterclass, catch-up with Jess and MSO concert to attend. Oh, and I should start revising for exams, the earliest of which is in six weeks. And all that tute work. And all the French stuff they only just sent through that I need to do before Monday. Oh, and a French impromptu debate some time. Should be alright. But I'm very tired right now.

Cat then appeared, though we accidentally left her out in the cold cause we were too busy whacking piano to hear her. Talked. Played again. Went to noms. Nommed. Went to more noms. Got very, very full. Took up a table for a good hour talking. Then went home. Was good. Good people.

Preview was also good. Good people. Made some friends. Enjoyed myself. Still residually exhausted from manual labour and haven't been sleeping good. Sleepy headache past two days. Bought jewellery yesterday. That was fun as well. Funky ring. Funky necklace. Still need to find my leather jacket. Sigh.

Friday, September 14


P Dubs wants us to take a 240 question survey before going in for program. Such questions include:

My friends say I know how to keep it real.
I am very aware of my surroundings.
Even when candy or cookies are under my nose, I never overeat.
I am the most important person in someone else's life.
I would rather die than be phony.
No one would ever describe me as arrogant.
People describe me as full of zest.

Interesting questions. Strengths are also interesting. Apparently the top one is a capacity to love and be loved. I find the bottom end more interesting: strength number 24: social intelligence. No, I'm not particularly socially intelligent. Ehe.

Saturday, September 8

Wake up Jess!

Now that I have created a post called wake up Jess, my job here is done.

Seeing as I don't really have anything better to do, I'll just go on a really long ramble about nothing. Going through folders of stuff that I've saved is quite amusing. Found a powerpoint Julia did for French back in year nine. Filed under the folder called "Amusing". And it is quite amusing. And amazing. Also amongst all the random screenshots and junk I've saved was a message from a certain someone back in that dodgy period in year eleven. On Facebook, on my wall. All my Facebook friends must've thought we were quite strange...or something. We were rather dramatic with all these intimate feels in public where they probably should've belonged in private Facebook messages rather than wall posts...

Actually just scrolled through my timeline trying to find it. Then I remembered that you deleted that account. Eheheheh.

My past week:

Last Saturday
- Formal
- Was good. Got to climb up to a really high part of Crown Towers. Wouldn't mind going there with friends before AA Ball which I am actually not going to but may potentially crash their pres for. But we're all impoverished uni students so will probably end up on some bench next to the Yarra sipping water instead.
- Got flowers for my wrist. They was nice.
- Actually, before the second dot point if we feel like being chronological, we got lost on the way to Crown Towers.
- Cabbed for literally five minutes to Hyatt.
- People aren't that scary. Though it is kind of awkward when people recognise your face and you have never seen them before in your life. But I did see people I knew. That was nice.
- Music was loud, so sat outside and talked. That was nice too. I like talking. Friends. Friends are nice. I miss my friends.
- Took ages to get back to Crown in the aftermath. Froze. Walked back. Voice was sounding weird by that stage from tired.
- Also forgot to mention that my sister helped me get ready, which consisted largely of me whining at her that my necklace was knotted/there was mascara in my eye/there was eyeliner on my face/there was lipstick on my forehead/I hate lipstick so screw the lipstick. She was rather extremely patient.

- Father's Day
- My eye was weirdly twitchy all day cause I think I wore my contacts for too long the night before. May have done something funky to eye/eyelid.
- Worked. Got the assignments smashed out. Ceebsed the tute work.
- Went out for coffee for Father's Day.
- Applied eye drops to my eyes a lot. Applied eye drops to my nose even more.

- Hrm. Discovered that I didn't have French oral. That was a plus.
- Saw Julia. Sat. Talked. Sunny. But windy.
- Got attacked by Student Union representatives. They made me feel guilty. Ridiculous. Just leave me alone and don't send me spiralling into some guilty thingamabob just cause you want my vote. Even more awkward when it's someone you kind of know but not really.
- Tutes. Got 2.5/5 for first accounting assignment. Solid. Sigh.
- Piano class. Was very sleepy. Had famouns American pianist giving masterclasses. He decided to sit next to me to listen to the first person. Then he decided it was easier if he sat on stage, so I was able to relax and not pretend to be mega engaged and could just zone out a tad.
- Home, eats, piano, crashed.

- Accounting lecture.
- Macro lecture. It was the first Tuesday of the month, so our lecturer was having a happy happy "it's Reserve Bank board meeting day!" moment.
- JD info session. Walked down with Danny to law building in the crazy winds.
- Got infoed by across the road neighbour who I initially didn't notice was in the room. He was sitting right behind me. Good job me.
- Cat and Julia had prac, so I chilled with Anita instead, and watched her study for her maths mid-sem. Learnt whole bunch of mystical mathematical signs, and Greek letters.
- Accounting lecture the second.
- Choob rehearsal. Was good. Need to continue hammering high notes cause high notes are high.
- Continued to get attacked by Student Union people throughout the day. Including some girl who claimed she was in one of my tutes. I really don't care. Still not gonna vote.

- The day I forgot my phone cause I tumbled out of the house after the Cavalier King Charles jumped out from under a fence and decided to come after my dog when we walked past debacle.
- It was terrible not having a phone.
- Saw teacher's going on strike as I went past Richmond.
- Macro tute. Didn't have phone. Couldn't take photos of the graphs which tutor drew, so had to get Stefan to send them to me. Sad life.
- Break with Alice, who decided to not go to bio. MAHI VISITED. Jumped on her from behind, facilitated by the fact that she was standing in front of a conveniently raised stone border thing which made it possible for me to jump on her. Jumped back off her. Jarred my ankles cause she's too tall.
- Student Union people continued to attack.
- Used Alice's phone to contact important persons cause I didn't have my phone.
- French tute. Had impromptu debate. Contributed about three words to said debate. Good stuff me. Sigh.
- Chilled with Julia and Mahi after using Danny's phone to find them. Sat. Talked. Happyed.
- Alice came back. Went for churros cause churros are nice. Kept dropping chocolate stuff everywhere. A list of food stuffs I don't like was compiled.
- Sat at MC. Talked. Laughed. Leaned on people. Hugs. Being able to hold people. I miss intimacy. I miss touching people. Creepy sounding. But you know what I mean. You. Over there. That one.
- Left, went down to SY. Saw Zoe. Chilled with Zoe. Simon arrived. Austin didn't. Saw various people who weren't Austin walk by. Saw Steven. Continued chilling with Zoe and Simon until Austin came.
- Trainzorz.

- Skipped macro lecture.
- No Student Union, cause I didn't go to uni mweeheeheehee.
- Went to Chadstone to get bro's MacBook fixed or something. It was eventually fixed or something the next day.
- Bought jumper for Grandpa's birthday. Which I have yet to pay Mum back for.
- Came home. Studied a bit. Listened to macro lecture which was el skipped.

- Carring lesson.
- Studied.

- More study, nothing of particular interest.

And that is all.

That was interesting. I'm sleepy now.


Shall stick some spaces in that massive "word" above so that it doesn't end up being a massive word...

Friday, August 31

Post posted post title I thought up after posting: Exciting update for the day

Net is capped. And that is my exciting update for the day. Slowly catching up on reading. But lectures...yes. Laggy net doesn't help the downloading of lectures. Just realised that I only went to one of four lectures this week...oops. Spring is coming. Sorta.


I shall list things I have done over the past two days so I feel like I've accomplished some study.

- read week 6 macro
- read week 6 APA
- listened to macro lecture I missed out on Tuesday
- started week 7 ATA
- smashed out macro assignment. Albeit very badly. Will need to go over it again.

Oh man, is that all I've done? I practised piano, though not very efficiently, so it's hard to say what exactly I achieved. WAIT NO I

- read week 7 ATA reading

Just remembered that I did do all of it last night. Go me.


- listened to half of the second lecture I missed out on Thursday. Then it died. Sad life.

Drew a picture of my family as scarecrows. No, I don't know why. Looks pretty strange. Oh well.

Saturday, August 25

Day of el fadofils*

Was stationed at Flagstaff. Surprisingly not overly cold despite wearing a dress that's meant to be for summer. I thought I'd freeze. Went to MC first to visit Himasha and Cat, then traversed with Alice and Julia to our own spot, where responsibility was quickly handed over with no one to look after us. Then some suspicious character looked like he wanted to steal a teddy. Positive that came out of that was that I may have some more interesting material for behavioural interview than just music now. Sold stuff. Also went upstairs and tried to sell stuff (didn't really work). Annoyed Julia when I started kicking her with the teddies. Went back downstairs and sold stuff. Often got confused about whether people wanted pens or pins. Alice and Bec fetched us food and stuff. Ate pasta. Gave leftover mayo covered capsicum chunks to Alice. Got my French and KPMG notes stolen by the volunteers who came to collect stuff sigh. But got free daffodils. Met Viv. Went to RMIT. Sat and talked and took off my "feet". Walked to Lygon. Ordered dinner. Viv discovered she lost phone. Cat and I had a nice evening walk back to RMIT. Discovered room which we had been in was locked. Went back to restaurant. Ate. Actually finished my food, except for a chunk of pumpkin I gave Cat. Walked back to MC. Caught train with Bec and Julia. Got home. Crashed on bed. Can't have these moments as often as last year. So this will have to do. Was good. But still missing people. The two of them who I never see. Oh well. Next time. Or something.

*Otherwise known as Daffodil Day.


And now I have a heck load of work to do due to the whole bunch of ceebs that hit me over the past week or so. A week or so is all you need to fall behind. Quite behind. Looks like I'll have to use those breaks for work instead of friends. Maybe. Sigh.

Sunday, August 19


- Too much meat last night.
- It was also really cold.
- But also really warm inside the restaurant.
- Too much meat.
- Too much dessert.
- And we bought cake from Coles as well. With gingerbread babies. Which everyone regarded with great suspicion.
- Still can't do the fish face.
- Though Catriona is becoming quite adept.
- I still lean on her and use her as a safety blanket ridiculous amounts.
- That last sentence didn't make sense.
- Had fun though. People are good. I like people. Sort of.
- I miss my people.
- Looks like another road trips is on the cards. I wonder how it's going to pan out. And the dread is building already. Which is stupid. Should be happy. But underneath the happy and excite, there's a little bit of dread and apprehension. Oh well. That's just how it goes now.
- Submitted APA assignment. Hope it makes sense and that my tutor doesn't go "...does this kid even speak English?"
- Should do tute works. Ceebs. Getting there. But have to read twelve pages. I don't wanna read twelve pages. I don't feel like reading this week. Which is bad, because I'm already behind on the reading.
- And I'm sitting here blogging about it.
- French tomorrow. Means discussions and stuff. Oh god, in class essay next week. I suck at writing. Which means I should probably work harder for the all the comm subjects in offset the bad which is going to be French.
- Piano.
- I wish these tute questions would show some consistency or logic. Question 1 has three parts labelled 1, 2, 3. Question 3 has two parts labelled a and b. And they ask me to "critically evaluate management's suggestion?"
- Wanna sleep. Sleep for long hours and not have to wake up or talk to anyone for a long while. Nah. I'm sure I'd start missing them after a little bit.


- "Depreciation sets a side cash for the future replacement of assets". NO ACCOUNTING. YOU DO NOT SET "A SIDE" CASH. WHAT IS A SIDE CASH? SOUNDS DODGY TO ME. I HAVE SOME CASH...ON THE SIDE.

31st July 2012


I don't know what to do when you're sad.

Monday, August 13

I hate Mondays

I feel like Garfield. Though I'm not a big fan of Tuesdays either. Other than the get to see people part.

Enjoyed last night/afternoon thing. People fun. Obnoxious little kids amusing. Eating duck bone things was amusing because everyone now thinks I'm a genius. Which they probably should have realised before. Fun times all around. Chopping cake with a machete. Sword. Thing. Too much ice cream. Shkarph. Yes my sentences are getting progressively shorter. I type it here more just to have a record of good moments. Cause I always forget to update them in my good moments book thing. Or more I'm afraid that they'll eventually turn into melancholy and painful moments.Some kid chipped a tooth. I think. From what I could hear from upstairs. I know them feels. Laughing. Just laughing. I like laughing. Endorphins and stuff.

Should not have looked at photos from last year. Skype isn't quite the same. Not at all. The most content, peaceful moments were just lunchtimes at our table under the sun. Just laughing.

I got a hammer and a heart of glass. I gotta know right now which walls to smash.

Tuesday, August 7

My eyes be droops

So aside from all the irrationality which will later be deleted possibly maybe probably don't know I'm indecisive, yesterday was pretty good. Long day. Today was also a long day. Finished uni, chilled with Austin, who didn't get lost, chilled at Chocolate Lounge for ages whilst spending very little money, something we seem to do a lot, then found Cavern outside "the sunglasses shop", ditched Gavin so he could go to Deep Creek or whatever it was, then ate Jap food in Canada. Was nice. Trotted up to catch a tram, got off tram, ran after bus, bus stopped quite a while away, ceebsed catching another bus back, trotted the rest of the way. So that portion of my day was fun. Good people are good. Happy making.

Spent lunch with Cat Gav Alice Tony Julia today. Was a bit of a fifth wheel for a little bit before Julia came along. Sad life. Was happy though. Sun was out. Was with people who love me and make me laugh. Was with people who get me. Got interrogated by Alice. Mmm. It was nice. Something to hold onto.

Saturday, August 4

I feel introspective

...but I don't quite know what it is I want to say. So I'll just ramble on about nothing in particular. Hohum. As Facebook would ask, what's on my mind? Nothing in particular. Feel pretty good sorta maybe. Pretty good. Need to start studying properly again. Don't know how people manage gap years. I take five weeks off and it's already killed my motivation. Nope, I would not be a gap year type person. Should really knuckle down. Oxford, Oxford, Oxford. Or NYU NYU NYU. Nyeh. A while away. But it is my short term goal that I hope to reach, so it shall be used as a motivator. Long term goal is to not just be a number. So yeah, should hang on to that when I lose motivation as well. That being said, I'm sitting here blogging cause I ceebs reading and ceebs researching the lumiere philosphy Frenchy peoples. Should not have thrown out revs notes. I have oft regretted it over the past two years of studying French. First it was detailed study. Now this learning about philosophy stuff. I do kinda wish I had more space in my study plan thing to fit more French in. Though it probably would've killed my GPA. So yeah. Also glad that I don't. Sorta. Need to keep it up after next year. That was the whole point. Don't let it go to waste.

Winter Concert on Monday. Mmm. It's starting to hurt less. I'm not rolling around in bed/sitting on the train/walking down Chapel in the dark paralysed by it any more. That's always a plus. But it still aches. Still aches. More that I just feel like I've somehow lost them cause I'm not there any more. But that stupid, silly, and irrational. But hey, we've never really been into rational in the first place. But Monday should be good. At least the post-rehearsal, pre-gig part of it with people I love. The during gig part may be a bit achy. Oh well. Cat's got my back. As always. I was a big bag of mope at last year's Winter Concert as well. Oh, how stupidly low and humiliating that was.

Wanna go on a trip at the end of the year/start of next year. Would be nice. Pity none of us can drive. That sorta kills Mahi's plans of going to that place with the drive-in cinema. We red pea. And a whole bunch of learners. Solid stuff. But would be nice, would be nice. Just chilling. Was nice last year, bar the couple of episodes of weirdness. But I get the (possibly misplaced) feeling that it will be better this year. We've had a year to sort of growing apart (ish) and coming back together. Not a bad thing. I guess I like where I am well enough. Last year, good as it was, wasn't without it's problems and hang ups and stuff. On a whole...probably averaged a higher level of happy this year. Dunno. Last year was higher and lower. This year, thus far, has been...happy, but not overly content I don't think. There have been nice, absolutely perfect moments with people I love. But it seems more difficult. It seems like there's a lot more work into all this. I don't know. I'm not making sense. Last year was like...frickin moments of ecstasy, probably brought on a lot by music. Then there were the crashes, also largely courtesy of music, though there were quite a few ones which weren't related to music. It's not euphoria when I'm just with my friends. It's not the crazy adrenaline rush of performing, or winning, or pulling something off. So yeah, I haven't had that massive a high since...probably Ballarat. Speech Night was good, but probably Ballarat would've been the last big one. Sigh sigh sigh.

What else? Austin's birthday. People I know to people I don't know ratio - 2:9? 10? Don't know. Being pleasant at social events is tiring, and slightly frightening. It's easier at uni. There is common ground to cover there. Oh well. Cat's got my back. Probably should not lean on her so damn much. I used to be more awkward back in my even younger youth. Vermont days. Was very shy and retiring then. Now I'm just introverted, but can unshy and unretire myself if the situation calls for it. Everyone's getting old and stuff. Em is eighteen today. Strange. It's been...almost two years since we went to France together. Those were some nice days too. New year's eve day was amazing. Just chilling. I like that. Just talking with no sense of time and no agenda.

I feel melancholy but there is no one to be melancholy with. I'm tired. It's almost eleven. Wow. Was only a little while ago that we were surprised that it was barely 9:30. And there goes another day.

This song is amazing and it is just systematically destroying my heart. God. This whole album. 
When your mind is a mess, so is mine. I can't sleep cause it hurts when I think. My thoughts aren't at peace. All the words that we say, and the words that we mean, words can fall short. can't see the unseen. 
You're drifting. I can hear it in the way that you're breathing. We don't really need to find reason, cause out the same door that it came, well, it's leaving, it's leaving, leaving like a day that's done and part of a season. Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves. But at least we can sleep, it's all that we need. When we wake we will find our minds will be free to go to sleep.  

Saturday, July 28

Another sort of post title here. Use your imagination, not mine.

Feels like I have been ridiculously happy lately, and I'm just waiting for the crash...sincerely hope it doesn't come. Would be nice for irrational teenage stupidity to stay away for a while. AHAHAHHAHAHA winter concert coming up. Should be interesting. Oh well. I get to hang out with people beforehand. I'll live.

Apparently what happens when I greet Julia by saying ohio. I'm glad she changed topics. I was running out of US cities/states/whatever the hell we were naming. 

Wednesday, July 25

Maroon 5 have two good songs on their new album

As opposed to the first album, where every song was gold.
Wondering if I really tried everything I could. Not know if I should try a little harder. 
This one sounds like Sellotape.

All the pain you try to hide shows through your mascara lines as they stream down from your eyes. And let them go. Let them fly. Holding back won't turn back time.
And that one sounds like that Billionaire song.

Monday, July 23

And so begins another twelve weeks of ruthlessly printing fifty billion pages of stuff in the name of higher education

Actually, what with exams, and the break, and SWOTVAC and all, it's more like a good sixteen weeks. Let's do disssss.

Zz. Sleepy already.

Friday, July 13

And here's the bit where you start thinking too much and worrying and stuff and stuff and flip rawr

Do I assume from about two lines on Skype that I've annoyed you? Is that enough evidence? Yeah. Or maybe you're tired. Or maybe you're annoyed at things in general which aren't me. Or maybe you just didn't talk very much. OR MAYBE YOU'RE ANNOYED AT ME.

Nah, it's deeper than that isn't it? It's more than just being annoyed, cause that makes it sound like you are intentionally not talking much. It's more sound tired of me. It sounds like "...oh. Sarah. Sigh. Not right now." I get that. I'm not really cool with it, but I get it. I think. Do I? Lalalala. Manic laughter goes here somewhere.
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you.
Siiiigh. I'm sleepy. I'm tired too. I need a routine back. I need to see people again.
We're one but we're not the same. Well, we hurt each other, and we'll do it again.

Wednesday, July 11

By now you should've somehow realised what you gotta do

Had a good day today. Walked around MC finding presents for people with Jess, trammed down to aquarium where there was an uber long massive queue for some bizarre reason. Wrote in card. Met Alexis. Went to creperie. Had much happies. So much fun. Literally laughed and smiled for about two and a half hours without stopping. Listened to his amusing stories about central and his fifteen kilo luggage limit, which is apparently impossible for a Frenchman. Was fun. Was fun. Gosh. Then went to Southgate to deliver stuff, but person wasn't there to deliver to. Went to Boost. Got drinkz. Train, Jess got off at MC. Sigh sigh. I miss both of them. I really miss holding your hand. SHALL BE ABLE TO AGAIN IN TWO MONTHS.


Another good day tomorrow. Hopely.


Noel heartlessly steals her dress with his taxi. Noel's face at the end. Oh, he amuses me.
Listen up what's the time said today, I'm gonna speak my mind. Take me up to the top of the world I wanna see my crime. Day by day, there's a man in a suit who's gonna make you pay for the thoughts that you think and the words they won't let you say. One fine day, I'm gonna leave you all behind. It wouldn't be so bad, if I had more time. Sailing down a river alone, I've been trying to find my way back home. But I don't believe in magic. Life is automatic. But I don't mind being on my own. 
And that is all there is in one song. He always had a thing for writing songs which were extremely repetitive. But it works. Still my greatest musical love. God-like genius indeed.

Monday, July 9

Nose dying of sneezes

Please don't do this to me immune system. I need to see people. Can we schedule my cold for the 13th-16th instead?

Kind regards,

Sarah, who is sick, but not fully so. Only half.

Must also find place to eat on Wednesday. Zzzz. I hate thinking of places to eat.

Saturday, July 7


I thought our academic transcripts were free and that uni would just send them out to us. That's only for students who finish their courses this semester. So I have to pay fifteen bucks and submit a form, which I should've done ages ago apparently cause now everyone's gonna be doing it and it's gonna take ages to get back to me. I'm good at this uni business.

8th July

Ceebs academic transcript. I'll just give accounting firms my ATAR. It looks a lot more impressive than my uni scores anyway. And will be fifteen bucks cheaper.

Happy *happy vibes*

Must message Alexis. Shall do.

Happy. Happy.

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time. But I can't stop loving you with half of my heart. Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, half of my heart's got you.
Guitar in this is nicer than the original. Mmmmmm. Pretty.

Ridiculously happy. I should calm down and not have so many crazy mood swings.

This is also very nice. 
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. 
Not so scared anymore. You got my back. 


Sigh sigh. Tu me manques. I do dislike breaks. But Cat is back tomorrow. Happy. Alice isn't back for another..two weeks. Brother a week and a half. Flub blergh. But lunch with cool people on Wednesday. Though we have yet to decide where to go. Then you leave on Sunday again. Sigh sigh. I miss holding your hand in French. I miss holding you. Dearie me. We're never going to have those days again. Mm. I think I just realised that. Never going to end up in the same institution again. Same goes for a lot of other people. I wonder who I'll know in ten years.

Okay. Enough blogging on my phone. Hrm. Sleepy. Sleep cycle well and truly screwed right now. Sigh.

Friday, July 6

Was gonna tumblr this, but...I like here more

Yesterday was a good day and special day (yes, that t-shirt slogan thingo will haunt me forever. I like it that way).
- Ran into a lot of high school people at MC cause it's the holidays and people like to have outings on Thursdays cause it's fun. Sang Waltzing Matilda under the clock. It just kept on going. 
- Met up with people who I was meant to met up with. Was good. I miss them. 
- Frolicked over to nom ramen with Jess, Julia, Bec, Viv, Zoe, Tiff...I feel like I'm missing someone. Oh. Me. 
- Nommed ramen. Laughed a lot. Slept on Julia. I miss physical contact during breaks. I miss physical contact during uni. No, I'm not creepy at all.
- Mahi met up with us after. That was good. She kept laughing at me and squishing me. One of few people I don't mind reacting like that, so it's alright. 
- Walked down to...somewhere. Where did we go...wherever it was, we caught a tram. Bumblebee tram which told us to alight for stops. 
- Got to Crown. Walked through Crown. Almost fell down some stairs. Julia saved my life. 
- Laser Wars. Came dead last. Laughed like a maniac because of mishearing things. 
- Walked to Southbank. Everyone else had ice cream (I think). I left cause needed to go home. 
- Got home, was very sleepy. Napped. Fudged around for the rest of the night. Went to bed. Got woken up. Then slept again. 

Happy. Not unsettled at the moment. It comes and it goes. Hopefully it'll get to the point where the periods between "go" and "come" are more extensive. 

Sunday, July 1

Apparently I should stop thinking

I think it's very sound advice. But I feel like if I stop thinking, then whatever is wrong, which I can't quite place my finger on, will never get better. Though it probably will. Okay. Stop thinking. Here have a thought: I feel like everything we built last year hasn't lasted. And for some reason that makes me...not angry...just...I dunno. It's like, at the end of year eleven, we wanted to make a mark. And it feels like that wasn't achieved. Which I should just get over. I can't do a thing about it. I just should not have Facebook. And I should just get over myself. Wasn't I lucky enough already with what I had? Why do I need anything more than just the simple fact that I did experience it? Sigh. Okay. Time to figure out how to play eight against thirteen in my variations. Adios.


Here, have a picture I drew for Wappy's birthday.

Drawn 20th June 2012.


So much doubt. Frick. I play piano. Ha. That's what I did in year eleven. Oh, what an amusing year that was. Frick.

Tuesday, June 19

Er, some sort of post title here...

Mmm. There's something that I want to go to, but mother has given me only half a permission. Like, sorta reluctant, exasperated permission, therefore I'm not entirely comfortable with it, and so yeah. What am I trying to say? It's one of those nights, where I don't quite feel as though I'm in this body and feeling these emotions. Where I think of my friends but can't envision them.

And there was just a slight earthical tremor. Time to stop blogging.


I really don't feel right. Not tonight. But I will. Then I'll feel stupid for feeling weird. Such is life. And stuff.

Saturday, June 16

Avatar is so amusing

"The Boulder feels conflicted about fighting a young, blind girl."
"Sounds like The Boulder's scared."
"...The Boulder is over his conflicted feelings."

"Here, I want you to have this. Read the inscription."
"Made in Earth Kingdom..."
"...the other one."
"Never give up without a fight."

"It feels like an avalanche. But...also not an avalanche..."
"Your powers of perception are surprising."

"You're awfully cute. But unfortunately for're made of meat."


"This tea is nothing but hot leaf juice!!"
"Uncle, that's what all tea is."

Friday, June 15

Continued Avatar lines of awesome

"I laugh at gravity all the time. Ha. Gravity."


"They're plants! Do you want me to say please and thank you as I swing my machete at them?"

Thursday, June 14

Avatar lines of awesomeness: Part II

"You'll need to fly very fast to have any chance of making it before sundown."
*Aang smiles pleasantly* "Thank you for your -"

"Ehhhh, really Prince Zuko. Couldn't you shoot them down with something more fragrant?"

"It's the Avatar's leeeeemur."


Avatar Roku sounds like that guy on the radio who impersonates the movie ad guy. And Aang sounds like young Simba. Nawww.


"He's a giant fluffy monster with an arrow on his head!"
"Don't worry. He's just jealous cause he doesn't have an arrow on his head."

"Walking stinks! How do people go anywhere without a flying bison?"


Jet annoys me.



Wednesday, June 13

Sans foi

J'en peux plus.

Seule avec mes doutes.


Watching Avatar. This is gold.

"Why don't you get in and soak away your troubles?"

"This looks like a landslide, sir."
"Land doesn't slide uphill."

"All I have to figure out what to do!"

"I think I found a way to contact his spirit!"
"That's great!"
"...creepy...but great!"

Sunday, June 10

9th June 2012

9th June 2012

Decided to pick up a pencil. Tried to draw a crane. Got frustrated, gave up, drew easier stuff. Then went back to drawing the crane. I am sleepy now. I think I shall nap soon. Then get up and watch Rafa make history (hopefully.)

Friday, June 8

Rafa vs. Daveeed


Ferrer has changed into fluorescent pink shirt. Nadal still hitting winners like a crazy person. Oh gosh, that shirt is really blinding.


I get the feeling this is eating my interwebs...


Line-seeking missiles. Pewpewpewpewpew.






We're resuming play...................soon.............zzzzzzzzz. Very, very sleepy. So what happened today? Accounting exam in morning. Stalked around city/uni for an hour or so with a black cloud over my head. French exam in a lecture theatre. Arm hurts from much writing. May have job at a law firm. Shall see, shall see. Went to Chaddy. My brain is really spongey. Was still stalking around with a black cloud until Mahi texted me. See? It's all you need.

"Feature unique to this sport. Televised coverage of the warm-ups."


Gentle poc. Poc. Poc. Poc. Poc. Warming up. Fun times.


You have a list on your phone. There's a list of names. Of people who won't let you down no matter what. Why are you hanging onto it? Karma karma karma. Baka. There's the feeling upset about it. Then there's the feeling stupid about feeling upset. Then there's the getting annoyed cause it's not a big deal. Ça suffit.

Thursday, June 7

Do you remember when we first met? I sure do. It was some time in early September.

It actually was.
I guess that I was afraid that if you rolled away you might not roll back my direction real soon.
I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring. 

I feel vaguely unsettled. Not too sure why. I have some theories. But nothing definite. I just had a few funky reality moments today. I actually don't know you anymore. Looking at your photos, it was very much "who is this person?" It was a bit confusing. There's a panic in my stomach that really has nothing to do with exams. Hrm.

Sleepy time. Exams to be done and all that. Nadal won. I am happy. I'm largely all right. There's just a...something lodged in my heart or in my stomach that feels sorta tight. Mmm.

Five hours of writing tomorrow. Actually, on second thoughts, part of it may have something to do with exams.

Tuesday, June 5

Word of the day: distractment

Someone enlighten me as to how I ask someone how they are if I know perfectly well how they are. I have no words to ask "how are things" when I know things are not well. How to ask them to unload if I don't know if they've already buried and are ignoring the hurt.

In other news, I did micro. It was.


Yeah. It was. I answered things. I tried to do the best I could. Hopefully I did reasonably well. Now to do accounting, French, and just that little bit of music.

Was cold today, but at least it wasn't wet. Waited at Richmond to stalk people/person. It was a tad cold. Train was fair packed. Friends are worth peak hour transport. And getting home later.

Distractment: noun of adjective distracted. Credit due to Bec.

Sorta sleepy now. Need to start practicing piano again. Need to play for music director some time.


So I am sitting here with my friend listening to (or well, reading) her recite/attempt to memorise all these crazy formulas. I am rather glad I did not do science. We have formulas yes. They tend to be on the formula sheet. I am rather sleepy, and tired, and don't know what to do for the rest of the night. I have caught up on tumblr, I don't feel like reading manga, and have stalked every square inch out of the last Nadal match. And that is basically all I do on the computer. Which I do need to stay on because listening to/reading chemical formulas is always fun. S = KBlogeW. I am good at storing things in short term memory. Though I still remember something from year twelve chem that I helped my brother revise for...acetate = CH3COOH. Minus. I believe. Yeah. I still have exams. But I'm gonna take a breather tonight cause I have worked oh so very hard...mmm...micro. Sigh.

Monday, June 4

Dear world

I think I passed QM. Now I am ever-so-slightly worried about micro. Oh well. Must forge on. Can't worry and all that. Or something. After tomorrow I'll be floating along. Before I start worrying about French. I should study for that as well. After the eighteenth, I can go crazy with social outings and fun times. Oh wait, I no longer have yearly, it actually costs money to go on public transport. Big sigh.

And how the hell did my picture of Hitsugaya manage to get so many hits? The posts which usually get views are the ones which have videos in them. I'm really confused.

Please let me pass micro. There are too many things to remember. Decisions about monopolies confuse me. Decisions based on various curves confuse me. I love game theory. Then I get it wrong. So yeah. If I screw up the bits that I'm sorta good at, then where does that leave me regarding this exam.....mmmm...

In other news, it was really wet today. My shoes are still saturated even though I have burnt them by the fire for the past few hours and made the whole house smell of shoe.

Time to return to studying this microeconomics business. It shall be all right. Hopely.

And my phone just buzzed to tell me Almagro is through to the quarters of French Open. That's a might lot of Spaniards in there.

Aforementioned shoes are also falling apart. The canvas lining on the inside is rather dead. If the outer were not made of leather, and being Chucks, the toe not reinforced with rubber, they would have been quite dead by now. As it is, half the sole has been worn away. I think that may be the reason why they got so thoroughly drenched as I swam through puddles today. Oh well. They've lasted me...over four years. I got them during summer holidays just before year nine. And they're still alive. I must follow the examples my shoes have set me and be tough and hardy and enduring and stuff. Yes. Like Nadal. Who turned 26 yesterday actually. Please win.

Sunday, May 27

I dream of you, and all the things you said. I wonder where you are now. Hold me down, all the world's asleep. I need you now, you known me off my feet. Yeah, I dream of you, and we talk of growing old. But you said "please don't". Slide in baby, together we'll fly. I tried praying but I don't know what you're saying to me.

Saturday, May 26


Reading books unrelated to ones education is fun!

That night as I lay in bed listening to the rain, I couldn't stop my imagination from taking over


Ramble while I wait for Lego Harry Potter to download.

Fire is going. It makes the house really warm. My hand, fingers, thumb, shoulder, arm hurt cause of revision. But was pretty productive. Must be even more so.

I miss someone. I miss several someones, but some in particular are caught on my mind. I wish the weren't. I get jealous too easily. I feel ignored too easily. Should work on that. It comes and it goes. Nyeh. Tired. Tired tired tired.

I'm scared you'll find someone else. I'm scared you've already moved on. I'm scared that I might actually be nothing where I thought I was something. Ludicrous, yes. I told you I was irrational and stupid.

Our fireplace looks good. I don't get why I blog here. Nyeh. Sorta do. It's in the vain hope that someone might read it. Mmm.

Lego HP is ready. Let's do thissss.

Friday, May 25

Week beginning 21st of May

Monday: Can't remember

Tuesday: Can't remember

Wednesday: Can't remember

Thursday: Vaguely remember

Friday: Sorta remember

Okay, if I think really hard, I might remember.

Monday: ...French? Went to French. Had final QM tute. Ate lunch...somewhere. With friends. YES. That is what happened. Ate lunch with friends. Yessirree. Final piano class for the semester. We were told to look after our health. Mine's already flown out the window and kissed me goodbye.

Tuesday: Final micro tute. Nyeh. Lunch....what did I do for lunch. Oh yes. We got very bored and restless in the microwave lounge place. Was still fun though. Final accounting tute. Last time I will see someone who was in my class for the past twelve weeks and who I talked to. Weird. Slightly. But so it goes. Had an hour break doing...what did I do? I think I just fudged around feeling sleepy. Oh no, I did part of an accounting exam. Whilst simultaneously feeling sleepy. Handed in essay. Initially planned to, then didn't, then planned to and did catch train with Julia. Was fun. I shall try to keep my appointments more. I think. I should, shouldn't I?

Wednesday: QM lecture in which I didn't pay attention and kept zoning out and calculating my scores for my subjects so far. Then crashed Julia's food lecture. Then ate food outside. Then final French tute. Presented wiki. We kept going overtime. I'm pretty sure I slipped the word also into part of my oral. Good job me. Trammed down to have piano lesson. Was better piano lesson than last time. Good stuff. Feel slightly better now.

Thursday: Final micro lecture. Final accounting lecture. Took Antonio back to where he belonged. Missed seeing Bec cause I didn't text her. Oops. I'm sorry. And actually disappointed. Sigh. Director wasn't in his office. Also sad. I did see Mr O and Trumpet Emily though. Saw Sim for about two seconds, but she was doing something or rather which required her attention, so didn't get to talk. Trammed down to South Yarra. Yes, I travelled from North Melbourne to South Melbourne to sorta south-eastish Melbourne in the course of an afternoon. Wasting time on public transport. Good times. Caught train. Fun times. Caught bus. I don't like buses. Walked home. Did parts of practice exams.

Friday: Driving lesson. Missed train by a few seconds. Froze and waited for the next one. Bumped into Claudia. Went to final QM lecture. Woohoo. Then hung around uni with almost all of us reunited minus Wappy. Was good, was good. Sigh. It was good. I have much love. Went home. Here I am.

I miss you, but telling you may be creepy, so I won't. Lala. I'm really tired and I don't really know why. Might be waking up at 6:45 in the mornings. For some reason I never sleep until my alarm anymore. I'm tired, and when I get tired I get pondersome, and then it's all like blergh.

And that has been my week. Exams soon. Woohoo.

I miss you. Creepy. Sorry.


It moves very quickly, don't it? Feel fresh out of high school, and there goes a sixth of my degree already. Need to study. Yes. Need to make this work. Yeah. Gonna blow it out of the water. Oxford Oxford Oxford. Okay. Need to do this.


I want to talk to you. Blergh. Sigh. I need to chill. Really. I have all I need at the moment. Why waste time and brain space on something which probably won't happen? You told me once that they were constantly on your mind, and that your day felt empty without talking to them. Yeeeah. Sigh.

I miss Monash people sigh. I miss big groups of stupidity. Those moments are just so much harder to get now. I miss having people around me understand where I come from. I'm not down. I like where I am, mostly. But there are things that I miss, not cripplingly, just in a melancholy, nostalgic fashion.

Sunday, May 20

Ramble blah

Come ball a frickin rat time, I'm gong to turn into an emotional wreak again. I can feel it happening without me. I really need something. Ensemble-wise.

And are you backing off? I can understand if you are. Or am I overthinking things again like I did last time? Which, it turned out, I had every right to think too much of. And now I've got you stuck in my brain and I don't know how to get you out. Amusing cause I was the one who was advised to back off. Sigh. Get over it. Nothing lasts forever. Few things even last a year. People move. Pretty sure I'm overthinking. But I wonder, just like I did last time, did I break something?

And I do believe I'm overthinking.

It's really warm in my house today. I wonder why that is. Probably cause we has a raging fiah going on.

Wednesday, May 16

Moving mountains

I have been mighty unproductive for the past two days. But I went through an accounting exam last night...okay, question one a and b of an accounting exam...BUT I DID DO SOMETHING. I dunno. It feels alright. I'm not too concerned. I think it'll work out alright. Piano on the other hand still has gotten no better. I'm not improving. Need to see my old piano teacher. I do miss his calm and chucklesome ways. He's a very chucklesome kind of guy.
I lost my way, she said she'd stay.
I am very grateful for the friends who manage to stick by me despite all the stupid things I've done.

Sigh what the hell am I doing?


Hrm. What is going on? Where are we going? What's happening? I'm much confused. Nyeh. We're just ordinary people. Listened to some Akon today.
Wish I could keep you much longer. I know you gotta go, cause you got things to do. Wish I could keep you much longer. Now you too busy for me girl 

Scratch the above song lyric. Why oh why oh why do I ever let myself doubt you? what?

Friday, May 11

With me, it's all, or nothing

I think it's this middle ground, being around but not being a part of things which is the issue.

I don't want to hear "move on". I know I need to. But I can't manage it at the moment. I want to hear someone just say, it's alright, it'll get better with time. I'll move on eventually. But at the moment, I just can't move.
Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell that to the man who cannot shine. Some might say that we should never ponder all our thoughts today, cause they will change over time.
Stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again.
My heart feels scattered.
See once in a while when it’s good, it’ll feel like it should. When they’re all still around and you’re still safe and sound and you don’t miss a thing til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark. Singing stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed it’s moving in.
Or walking away in the dark, as the case may be, catching a train in the dark. It's alright. You're still around. But yeah. Lack of people. God my head hurts.

Sunday, May 6

A long (probably will turn out being rather short actually) ramblynothing

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that I miss: being involved in music, or being with the people who were involved in it. I think it's a little bit of both. A lot of both. And also the fact that I'm no longer inherently, automatically included into that group. It actually hurts my heart. I will give it a name, cause then I sound less stupid. Actually, I probably sound more stupid. I shall name my heart Hilbert. Hilbert got all fluttery and excited thinking about outing for dinner on the day of the fry with people I like, which he probably shouldn't have cause nothing was finalised. But Hilbert got awful excited anyway, and ridiculously happy. Then plans went poof due to no one's fault, and Hilbert...just went thud. Completely deflated. Probably for several reasons involving not being able to see aforementioned people I like, and also realising, not for the first time, that the person I like actually, definitely, in no possible way, likes me back. So I'll probably spend Friday with other people I like. It's not that I don't love them just as much, I do. It's just that I will have, and have had, so many more chances to spend time with them this year, and experience a certain something in a certain setting which I want to experience with them, if that makes sense. I wanted this Friday night. I so badly wanted to relive, have another memory like that where I have dinner with a bunch of friends before going back to work on something. Even if I wouldn't have been able to have the second part, I would've loved to be part of the first.

Been stuck in my head all day. Also hurts my heart. Mitchell should've gone through. I think this was one of the songs associated with me back then. Flipping helltards, as Bec just said. Just...yeah.


Look at Mitchell's man stance...

And the hardest part was letting go not taking part. 
Monday 6th May

So sleepy. At uni. Sitting here drinking in smells of food. Finally getting panicked about exams. Need to do this. And do it properly.
Don't dream too far.

Friday, May 4

The merry month of May

Uni said they would pay me sometime in May.

*obsessively checks bank account several times a day*

I check it as much as I check my email when I get bored.

Wednesday, May 2

Reading through texting convos

Or well, one in particular. It's like, a month ago, you still wanted me around, and then you didn't need me anymore. There's going to be reconstruction work to be done during the winter break.

3rd May

Ok, we're alright, you're more than alright, and I'm an idiot. Don't doubt, never doubt.

Today James Hird said to us many times, "be content with the past, happy with the present, and hope for the future."

Sunday, April 29

I have discovered that I really do like you a lot. But at times, no, a lot of the time, you make me feel all the more fake. Well, just detached. And I told you stuff just then, but I don't know how seriously you took me. I still don't know you. Weird. I know what you're like. But I still don't know you.

Then, because of what we were talking, I was all thinking and stuff, then I was full on blog-stalking posts from one and a half, almost two years ago now. 
I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go. 
But all that's dead and gone and past.

Lala. I'm being paranoid. Again. Over thinking. Again. Should stop it. Can't.

7:16am, next day

My dear, it can be said that you still terrify me.

Because I don't think I blog about happy thoughts or events enough

The reason behind that is probably cause no one reads this anyway, and me blogging downer thoughts is just a cry for attention, and when I'm happy I'm not feeling particularly lacking attention cause that's just how my brain works. Ja.

It's sorta late. But I thought that it should be put out there that I'm happy at the moment. The assignment barrage is imminent, and I haven't started, and exams are only about five weeks away, but that anxiety will settle in later. At the moment, I feel alright. I have a loving family. I have a whole bunch of friends. I have people who will willingly go out of their way to talk to me, though I should probably rekindle some of those. I thought I broke something, but I don't think I have after all, and as a result of speaking up, I'm not longer agonising about it (which is actually probably what put me in this good mood). And I think I've finally managed to convince myself that I don't need to be with the guy I like (however, I'll probably not think the same in a few weeks. Or days. It comes and goes, this acceptance lark). When I'm happy I also work more, so that's a good thing. Need to knuckle down on that piano. Yep.

I'm sorta sleepy now though. I think I shall go sleep.

All that being said, I still miss high school and associated friends very much. I still miss being part of something, extremely. I miss my old piano teacher immensely. But at the moment, I'm doing alright.

Saturday, April 21

I feel better now.

22nd April, 9:14pm

Watched The Voice. Wondered what Seal sang other than Kiss From A Rose and Fly Like An Eagle. Found this. I really like his smile. It's adorable. Oh, and his voice is pretty good too. He.

23rd April, 8:50am (why don't I just start another post...)
We were older then. 
When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part.  
If I had a gun I'd shoot a hole into the sun and love would burn this city down for you. And if I has the time, I'd stopped the world and make you mine. Excuse me if I spoke too soon. My eyes have always followed you around the room, cause you're the only god that I have ever seen, I'm holding on and waiting for the moment for my heart to be unbroken by the seams.
24th April, 8:24am
You know I'd stay, but I just can't stand it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind.  So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway. Half the world away. I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down. No I don't feel down. 

Thursday, April 12

So I realised I've been an idiot...

...the 200mb of data in my phone plan is included. They don't charge me for it. I'm an idiot. Here I was, not using my phone last month cause I thought I'd blow it. But no, ends up I only used eighty of 160 bucks. Good job Sarah. Nice time to realise it. About 16 months into the plan. Yeah. I'm going to be a great lawyer. Or anything. Person.

My past week

Tuesday: Crashed Hello Dolly rehearsal with Cat. Waltzed to some interesting musical music. Lunched with friends was fun. Walked down Toorak Rd, was fun. Sat on grass next to Shrine, was fun. Had crab with family. Good stuff.

Wednesday...I drove? Switched lanes like a boss on Whitehorse Rd.

Thursday (being today). Crashed rehearsal again (what the hell am I doing with my life...), had piano lesson. Felt remotivated. Got home. Felt re-unmotivated. Crashed muso meeting for five minutes. Felt way too comfortable being there. Not a good thing because I don't actually belong there. Left. Had chocolatey things at MC. Was fun. Went home.

I feel rather unmotivated for anything at all. In other news, I got H1s in both my French things. So yeah, good thus far. Need to keep it up. Music is freaking me out. Again. Feel like I suck, feel unmotivated due to lack of skill, don't practice due to lack of motivation, don't get any better due to lack of practice, suck even more, etc. etc. Need to break the cycle...probably by practicing. But yeah. Don't feel any good at this. What's a piano?

I think I have an idea for Cat's present. Now, I must flesh it out.

And who the hell am I talking to...

Friday, March 16

Of the third week of being a tertiary student

I have some work to do...can't fall behind. That is bad.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night?

I miss quite a few things. I miss holding hands in French and linking arms. I miss standing in front of the ad board in the mornings. Being part of something in the music suite. Eating all that food in form. Ah. Form was great. A lot of things.

Wishing you were at my door. 

But I am doing goodly. Now I am off to shower and do some work. And things. Sleepy. Sneezy.

Wednesday, March 14

When not to do French homework

At 12:15am. After having had a fairly full day running on two or three hours of sleep. Especially if you're meant to understand and summarise a challenging enough but not too complicated piece of writing. My head. It can barely compute English.

And that is another brilliant piece of advice from Sarah.

Oh, and don't go Facebook stalking people whilst in the middle of homework. Creates unproductivity. Yeah. That's a word.

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky. I'm reaching out, but I just can't tell you why. I'm caught up in you. I'm caught up in you. Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun, and when you're close I feel like coming undone. In the middle of the night, when I'm in this dream. It's like a million little stars spelling out your name. You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together. Come on, come on. A little taste of heaven. 

Taylor Swift was great. Ahhhhhh. Yeah.


Wednesday, February 29

I am happy

People are really good to me. Like, really good. My friends and family are amazing. Like, yeah. Just, yeah. The  good day and special day record meant a lot. As did the bookmark, notebook, and card. As did the jar of stars and card. And the real bag and dress. And yeah, the headphones too. They're cool, and I like them, but it's the cards which steal my heart. Rafa in a book. I felt very inspired at 1am this morning...less so now, cause I'm all sleepy and feel like moaning and groaning about things. But yeah. The un-rehearsed rendition of happy birthday. The very loud rendition of happy birthday with Pikachu. The very loud and in several different keys rendition of happy birthday in L3 today. I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with that place. The card, this time from other people. The tickets. Just a simple, overcrowded tram ride to Flinder's. I miss year 12. I just miss everything. Once this year passes, I'll miss this year. Etc. etc. One of life's annoying things that I find very difficult to get over, the simple concept that time keeps moving. And the little package which arrived in the post yesterday. And the many, many cranes. And the birthday messages. People who make me laugh. People who give me hugs.

Gosh, just thank you all. Just, yeah. I feel really loved, and I don't know why I ever doubt that.

7:42am on the 1st of March

As we walked, we would talk and I didn't say half the things I wanted to.

Monday, February 27

Of uni, and being a muso in transit.

I'm slowly realising that I will not be doing as many ensembles in uni as I did in high school. In fact, this semester I'm not in any. Weird. Past six years, I've always had something.

Change? S**t. I guess change is good for any of us.

Slightly weird. I'll be alright. Hopefully choob ensemble semester two. And then starting next year I might try orchestras and stuff. Shall see. I have friends who say that it's hard to start things in second year, when you're not a newbie. Well, I'm not doing it this year, so it has to be after. it's just weird. All these auditions and things. No more vice music captain card. No more of this people will just assume you're good business. No more you're the only bass clarinettist to ever walk this earth so we need you. Slightly strange. For the moment, just concentrate on studies. Actually. I have to blow this thing out if the water. I want to prove to myself that I can.

February 27th

For some reason this never got published.

Though it got views...I'm confused. Or conviewsed.

Doesn't even make sense.

In other news, first day of uni. Yeah. Interesting. And wet.

Saturday, February 18

Just some things

Maybe many things. I feel particularly talkative today.

I want contacts. I have been obsessing about them lately. I need to refind the "I don't care what anything thinks of me" attitude which occasionally pops into my brain. Need to find some way of making it stay in my brain. Because I don't like wearing contacts. They make my eyes hurt. I just look better in them.

Went dress-shopping for my sister last night with my many pretty many. Staring at clothing online. Speaking of online clothing, that Tommy Hilfiger sweater is still not in stock. Sigh. Sigh.


To people leaving/who have left:

I shall not forget you. I have had friends move to Sydney, Canberra, even staying in Melbourne I only see them once or twice a year. But when we do see each other, it's good, and it's fun, and it's special. No matter where you go, or where I go, there will always be a twin-shaped space in my heart, and a multilingual-hose-shaped space in my heart. Sure, I shall make new friends. Probably even some good ones. New doesn't have to replace old. Old is a world away from former. My oldest friend is...well, still my friend, and a good one. And I've made a bucketload since I met her.

And to those aforementioned friends who I only see once or twice a year, thank you for those one or two times. As I said, they were good, fun, and special.

To people not at the same uni as me,

I shall miss seeing your faces every day. I think I just miss going to school every day. Running into people in corridors. Sitting in classes together. Etc. etc. But we'll be alright. You are amongst the shapes in my heart.

To people at the same uni as me,

I shall miss seeing your faces every day as well.

To, just, everyone, I guess (including me),

"I remember being your age and losing my rat, Cedar. I loved Cedar with every fiber of my being and when she passed, I thought I would never be able to love another pet the way I loved her. 15 years later, I still miss her terribly but I want you to know that I was able to love all the pets that came after Cedar just as much. Love is wonderful in that it can never be wasted or used up. We can never replace the people or animals we have loved, but the love we feel for them can be expanded. I like to think of love as being stretchy. It is easy to feel guilty when you start to love a new pet - like somehow that means you love your old friend less. But when you think of love as being stretchy and able to expand, you can see that there will always be room for everything. You can love as much as you want."

To the general public,

My dreams have gotten weird over the past two days. Steven, Cat, Mahi, my brother, my parents, and I'm pretty sure my sister all invaded them. Possibly Bec as well. I think I shall post this all over Facebook.

I spent a lot of time the other night tagging all my tumblr posts. It has racked up a lot more posts than it used to when I had two blogs. Oh well. Maybe I shall go through all my blogger posts and tag all of those too, just for lols.

Things for this year:

Maintain a 75 average (otherwise uni doesn't pay me sigh)
Maintain a decent level of piano. No, actually, be frickin brilliant at it.
Get up to actual sixth grade clarinet. Or even seventh. Or eighth. Just, be good at clarinet.

And for the further future...

Somehow get onto Carols by Candlelight, seeing as MYO only supplies the strings and not the winds...somehow. Probably involves donation. A really big one. Or becoming a professional clarinettist/pianist...yeah right. Sigh. It actually reeaaaaally peeves me that I can't get in through MYO. Otherwise I might actually try properly for it. I don't think I'll do it. Rather join orchestra. Somehow. Somehow. Somehow.

To my former/current/possible friend (yeah, no idea what you are). Sorry, and stuff. 

To family, 

You're pretty cool.

Thursday, February 16

Every time I see a science person's uni timetable, I laugh.

Just saw a timetable one of my friends was tagged in. 20 hours by the end of Tuesday. I have 16 at most for the whole week. I don't think I could survive doing science and music at the same time...practising and all that.

Ah, I might have more than 16 once I get a piano lesson scheduled. But yeah.

Just realised that it would have been your 99th today. I think I shall light my candle.

Monday, February 13

Trying to choose DipMus subjects may be the most difficult thing I've done to date

Here are some choices:

- Chamber Music: apparently one needs "special permission" to do it. What does that mean? It means I send emails to anyone and everyone hoping that they will give me special permission.
- Piano Duet: apparently needs auditions. As a pair. I have no partner. Sad face. Maybe next year. Or the year after.
- Piano Teaching: something I can do without having to audition, but it's from 4:15 - 6:15 on a Tuesday. Woo. I can't drive. Someone will have to pick me up.
- Clarinet Ensemble: needs at least 7th grade or 3/4 music, neither of which I have. But I played bass. But I have no qualifications for it. Now what? Emails. Yay.

End list. If all else fails, I'll join the choir. That should be fine. Apparently I need a course advisor. But do I need a music course advisor, or a commerce one?


Chamber music also requires you to audition as an ensemble. Sad face again. And again, maybe next year or the year after.

At the moment, what with all these auditions, it's looking more and more likely to be choir and piano teaching...

Saturday, February 11

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should. But I know the heart of life is good. You know it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. The circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

Forever ago

I think I shall just go lie in my bed and weep sad tears of bitterness and regret. No, I'm not really gonna do that. But so much sad.
Go find another lover to bring, to string along. With all your lies, you're still very lovable. 
Or something. Great album. Makes your whole train trip seem like one massive movie.

Or something. 

No, I can't hear what he's singing. Probably half the time the lyrics aren't...commonly used phrases. 

By the by, I got an offer for DipMus. Without having to audition. I get the feeling my opportunities get handed to me on a plate way too often. Lalala. Or something.
Would you really rush out for me now?  
 Now, what to do with the day ahead of me? I guess first priority is sleep.


Time to sleep!

And I like Sherlock. It's very good. I have two episodes left. And it's hit the time of the night where I'm overly energised but not really. It's weird. I think I focus better. But it probably means I won't be able to focus for very long.

Things to do:

1. Get some guy to help me make it so that I can stick first year subjects in my second year, etc. in my study plan
2. Get student ID card and diary
3. Interview.
4. Go to sleep. Now.

Thursday, February 9

Must remotivate myself

I shall use key words to do so, and write them around everywhere. Number one key word:
  • Oxford. 

You know, being in the musical last year was really fun. Chorals was really fun. Being music captain was really fun. And stuff. 

Wednesday, February 8

I think it's an indication that I should go to stop writing and go to sleep when I can no longer remember my characters' names.

Maybe some day I will actually plan one of these fifty billion series I have in my head, and actually do this thing. And then find some way to get my name on the front cover of a book.

And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind. You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway. I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down. 

Sunday, February 5


I drew some bees for a friend. You can look at them too if it makes you happy. 

The original masterpiece. Which then got turned into this:

Cause Bec thought that I should put shojo eyes on my bee. So there you are. Complete with shojo romantic circle things, which sorta turned into shojo romantic rose things cause I couldn't figure out how to draw the bubble on MS Paint...

Completed to the inspirational sounds of Beatles. 


Also completed to inspiration Beatles songs: 

A crayfish for Julia cause she's allergic to them. And I just tried to spell allergic with one l. I thought it was one l...maybe I'm very tired. Hrm. 

His name is Jeremy, and he's had a big night out so he's a little tipsy at the moment. It's difficult to balance on his extra long legs. I hope Julia takes care of him. Sniff. 

Night night. 



Saturday, February 4

I'm not super extremely planning ahead or anything...

But I think, going by compulsory lecture times and all, I may be able to work it so that I only go to uni two or three days a week next semester...depending on tute streaming. It all depends on that damn tute streaming.

Either way, I think I get Monday off again.

Yeah. I'm not looking ahead at all.

This semester hasn't even started yet. Aish.

Another day gone by. Another piano untouched. Well, the same piano. But yeah. Need to...practise...sigh. Where did my musical passion/motivation go?


Again, I'm not overly keen or anything, but it looks like uni three days a week is the best I can make it. Again, cause French has the most annoying tute times and both tutes on a Tuesday happen to overlap with the only Tuesday lecture of one of the other subjects. Yeah.

Should probably focus on this semester first. Starting with operation I need to get some French skills back.


Also I watched Muppets today. It was...very awesome. The music. Bret, you're amazing. What a movie. Gosh. It was just...good. I think I laughed too much and got too excited when people cameoed. I was all like "SELENA GOMEZ! BARNIE STINSON!! SHELDON!!" (I don't actually watch the shows, hence why I don't know the actors' names.) MEL!! I recognised her as soon as her voice started...playing, for want of a better word. But soooooooo good. And the Toy Story short was amazing as well. Again, I may have laughed too much. Need to get it when it comes out on DVD. Soooo good.

Life's a happy song when there's someone by your side to sing along.


Also I'm in the school newsletter. I'm excited, kay? And slightly egotistical. I keep trying to stalk myself, but the electronic version is not up because they're upgrading the website or whatever and have this destroyed it.

ALSO I wrote today. It felt good. I like this. Maybe it'll be even better when I know what the plot is.


I am blogging too much now. Someone stop me.