Sunday, May 27

I dream of you, and all the things you said. I wonder where you are now. Hold me down, all the world's asleep. I need you now, you known me off my feet. Yeah, I dream of you, and we talk of growing old. But you said "please don't". Slide in baby, together we'll fly. I tried praying but I don't know what you're saying to me.

Saturday, May 26


Reading books unrelated to ones education is fun!

That night as I lay in bed listening to the rain, I couldn't stop my imagination from taking over


Ramble while I wait for Lego Harry Potter to download.

Fire is going. It makes the house really warm. My hand, fingers, thumb, shoulder, arm hurt cause of revision. But was pretty productive. Must be even more so.

I miss someone. I miss several someones, but some in particular are caught on my mind. I wish the weren't. I get jealous too easily. I feel ignored too easily. Should work on that. It comes and it goes. Nyeh. Tired. Tired tired tired.

I'm scared you'll find someone else. I'm scared you've already moved on. I'm scared that I might actually be nothing where I thought I was something. Ludicrous, yes. I told you I was irrational and stupid.

Our fireplace looks good. I don't get why I blog here. Nyeh. Sorta do. It's in the vain hope that someone might read it. Mmm.

Lego HP is ready. Let's do thissss.

Friday, May 25

Week beginning 21st of May

Monday: Can't remember

Tuesday: Can't remember

Wednesday: Can't remember

Thursday: Vaguely remember

Friday: Sorta remember

Okay, if I think really hard, I might remember.

Monday: ...French? Went to French. Had final QM tute. Ate lunch...somewhere. With friends. YES. That is what happened. Ate lunch with friends. Yessirree. Final piano class for the semester. We were told to look after our health. Mine's already flown out the window and kissed me goodbye.

Tuesday: Final micro tute. Nyeh. Lunch....what did I do for lunch. Oh yes. We got very bored and restless in the microwave lounge place. Was still fun though. Final accounting tute. Last time I will see someone who was in my class for the past twelve weeks and who I talked to. Weird. Slightly. But so it goes. Had an hour break doing...what did I do? I think I just fudged around feeling sleepy. Oh no, I did part of an accounting exam. Whilst simultaneously feeling sleepy. Handed in essay. Initially planned to, then didn't, then planned to and did catch train with Julia. Was fun. I shall try to keep my appointments more. I think. I should, shouldn't I?

Wednesday: QM lecture in which I didn't pay attention and kept zoning out and calculating my scores for my subjects so far. Then crashed Julia's food lecture. Then ate food outside. Then final French tute. Presented wiki. We kept going overtime. I'm pretty sure I slipped the word also into part of my oral. Good job me. Trammed down to have piano lesson. Was better piano lesson than last time. Good stuff. Feel slightly better now.

Thursday: Final micro lecture. Final accounting lecture. Took Antonio back to where he belonged. Missed seeing Bec cause I didn't text her. Oops. I'm sorry. And actually disappointed. Sigh. Director wasn't in his office. Also sad. I did see Mr O and Trumpet Emily though. Saw Sim for about two seconds, but she was doing something or rather which required her attention, so didn't get to talk. Trammed down to South Yarra. Yes, I travelled from North Melbourne to South Melbourne to sorta south-eastish Melbourne in the course of an afternoon. Wasting time on public transport. Good times. Caught train. Fun times. Caught bus. I don't like buses. Walked home. Did parts of practice exams.

Friday: Driving lesson. Missed train by a few seconds. Froze and waited for the next one. Bumped into Claudia. Went to final QM lecture. Woohoo. Then hung around uni with almost all of us reunited minus Wappy. Was good, was good. Sigh. It was good. I have much love. Went home. Here I am.

I miss you, but telling you may be creepy, so I won't. Lala. I'm really tired and I don't really know why. Might be waking up at 6:45 in the mornings. For some reason I never sleep until my alarm anymore. I'm tired, and when I get tired I get pondersome, and then it's all like blergh.

And that has been my week. Exams soon. Woohoo.

I miss you. Creepy. Sorry.


It moves very quickly, don't it? Feel fresh out of high school, and there goes a sixth of my degree already. Need to study. Yes. Need to make this work. Yeah. Gonna blow it out of the water. Oxford Oxford Oxford. Okay. Need to do this.


I want to talk to you. Blergh. Sigh. I need to chill. Really. I have all I need at the moment. Why waste time and brain space on something which probably won't happen? You told me once that they were constantly on your mind, and that your day felt empty without talking to them. Yeeeah. Sigh.

I miss Monash people sigh. I miss big groups of stupidity. Those moments are just so much harder to get now. I miss having people around me understand where I come from. I'm not down. I like where I am, mostly. But there are things that I miss, not cripplingly, just in a melancholy, nostalgic fashion.

Sunday, May 20

Ramble blah

Come ball a frickin rat time, I'm gong to turn into an emotional wreak again. I can feel it happening without me. I really need something. Ensemble-wise.

And are you backing off? I can understand if you are. Or am I overthinking things again like I did last time? Which, it turned out, I had every right to think too much of. And now I've got you stuck in my brain and I don't know how to get you out. Amusing cause I was the one who was advised to back off. Sigh. Get over it. Nothing lasts forever. Few things even last a year. People move. Pretty sure I'm overthinking. But I wonder, just like I did last time, did I break something?

And I do believe I'm overthinking.

It's really warm in my house today. I wonder why that is. Probably cause we has a raging fiah going on.

Wednesday, May 16

Moving mountains

I have been mighty unproductive for the past two days. But I went through an accounting exam last night...okay, question one a and b of an accounting exam...BUT I DID DO SOMETHING. I dunno. It feels alright. I'm not too concerned. I think it'll work out alright. Piano on the other hand still has gotten no better. I'm not improving. Need to see my old piano teacher. I do miss his calm and chucklesome ways. He's a very chucklesome kind of guy.
I lost my way, she said she'd stay.
I am very grateful for the friends who manage to stick by me despite all the stupid things I've done.

Sigh what the hell am I doing?


Hrm. What is going on? Where are we going? What's happening? I'm much confused. Nyeh. We're just ordinary people. Listened to some Akon today.
Wish I could keep you much longer. I know you gotta go, cause you got things to do. Wish I could keep you much longer. Now you too busy for me girl 

Scratch the above song lyric. Why oh why oh why do I ever let myself doubt you? what?

Friday, May 11

With me, it's all, or nothing

I think it's this middle ground, being around but not being a part of things which is the issue.

I don't want to hear "move on". I know I need to. But I can't manage it at the moment. I want to hear someone just say, it's alright, it'll get better with time. I'll move on eventually. But at the moment, I just can't move.
Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell that to the man who cannot shine. Some might say that we should never ponder all our thoughts today, cause they will change over time.
Stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again.
My heart feels scattered.
See once in a while when it’s good, it’ll feel like it should. When they’re all still around and you’re still safe and sound and you don’t miss a thing til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark. Singing stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed it’s moving in.
Or walking away in the dark, as the case may be, catching a train in the dark. It's alright. You're still around. But yeah. Lack of people. God my head hurts.

Sunday, May 6

A long (probably will turn out being rather short actually) ramblynothing

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that I miss: being involved in music, or being with the people who were involved in it. I think it's a little bit of both. A lot of both. And also the fact that I'm no longer inherently, automatically included into that group. It actually hurts my heart. I will give it a name, cause then I sound less stupid. Actually, I probably sound more stupid. I shall name my heart Hilbert. Hilbert got all fluttery and excited thinking about outing for dinner on the day of the fry with people I like, which he probably shouldn't have cause nothing was finalised. But Hilbert got awful excited anyway, and ridiculously happy. Then plans went poof due to no one's fault, and Hilbert...just went thud. Completely deflated. Probably for several reasons involving not being able to see aforementioned people I like, and also realising, not for the first time, that the person I like actually, definitely, in no possible way, likes me back. So I'll probably spend Friday with other people I like. It's not that I don't love them just as much, I do. It's just that I will have, and have had, so many more chances to spend time with them this year, and experience a certain something in a certain setting which I want to experience with them, if that makes sense. I wanted this Friday night. I so badly wanted to relive, have another memory like that where I have dinner with a bunch of friends before going back to work on something. Even if I wouldn't have been able to have the second part, I would've loved to be part of the first.

Been stuck in my head all day. Also hurts my heart. Mitchell should've gone through. I think this was one of the songs associated with me back then. Flipping helltards, as Bec just said. Just...yeah.


Look at Mitchell's man stance...

And the hardest part was letting go not taking part. 
Monday 6th May

So sleepy. At uni. Sitting here drinking in smells of food. Finally getting panicked about exams. Need to do this. And do it properly.
Don't dream too far.

Friday, May 4

The merry month of May

Uni said they would pay me sometime in May.

*obsessively checks bank account several times a day*

I check it as much as I check my email when I get bored.

Wednesday, May 2

Reading through texting convos

Or well, one in particular. It's like, a month ago, you still wanted me around, and then you didn't need me anymore. There's going to be reconstruction work to be done during the winter break.

3rd May

Ok, we're alright, you're more than alright, and I'm an idiot. Don't doubt, never doubt.

Today James Hird said to us many times, "be content with the past, happy with the present, and hope for the future."