Saturday, August 4

I feel introspective

...but I don't quite know what it is I want to say. So I'll just ramble on about nothing in particular. Hohum. As Facebook would ask, what's on my mind? Nothing in particular. Feel pretty good sorta maybe. Pretty good. Need to start studying properly again. Don't know how people manage gap years. I take five weeks off and it's already killed my motivation. Nope, I would not be a gap year type person. Should really knuckle down. Oxford, Oxford, Oxford. Or NYU NYU NYU. Nyeh. A while away. But it is my short term goal that I hope to reach, so it shall be used as a motivator. Long term goal is to not just be a number. So yeah, should hang on to that when I lose motivation as well. That being said, I'm sitting here blogging cause I ceebs reading and ceebs researching the lumiere philosphy Frenchy peoples. Should not have thrown out revs notes. I have oft regretted it over the past two years of studying French. First it was detailed study. Now this learning about philosophy stuff. I do kinda wish I had more space in my study plan thing to fit more French in. Though it probably would've killed my GPA. So yeah. Also glad that I don't. Sorta. Need to keep it up after next year. That was the whole point. Don't let it go to waste.

Winter Concert on Monday. Mmm. It's starting to hurt less. I'm not rolling around in bed/sitting on the train/walking down Chapel in the dark paralysed by it any more. That's always a plus. But it still aches. Still aches. More that I just feel like I've somehow lost them cause I'm not there any more. But that stupid, silly, and irrational. But hey, we've never really been into rational in the first place. But Monday should be good. At least the post-rehearsal, pre-gig part of it with people I love. The during gig part may be a bit achy. Oh well. Cat's got my back. As always. I was a big bag of mope at last year's Winter Concert as well. Oh, how stupidly low and humiliating that was.

Wanna go on a trip at the end of the year/start of next year. Would be nice. Pity none of us can drive. That sorta kills Mahi's plans of going to that place with the drive-in cinema. We red pea. And a whole bunch of learners. Solid stuff. But would be nice, would be nice. Just chilling. Was nice last year, bar the couple of episodes of weirdness. But I get the (possibly misplaced) feeling that it will be better this year. We've had a year to sort of growing apart (ish) and coming back together. Not a bad thing. I guess I like where I am well enough. Last year, good as it was, wasn't without it's problems and hang ups and stuff. On a whole...probably averaged a higher level of happy this year. Dunno. Last year was higher and lower. This year, thus far, has been...happy, but not overly content I don't think. There have been nice, absolutely perfect moments with people I love. But it seems more difficult. It seems like there's a lot more work into all this. I don't know. I'm not making sense. Last year was like...frickin moments of ecstasy, probably brought on a lot by music. Then there were the crashes, also largely courtesy of music, though there were quite a few ones which weren't related to music. It's not euphoria when I'm just with my friends. It's not the crazy adrenaline rush of performing, or winning, or pulling something off. So yeah, I haven't had that massive a high since...probably Ballarat. Speech Night was good, but probably Ballarat would've been the last big one. Sigh sigh sigh.

What else? Austin's birthday. People I know to people I don't know ratio - 2:9? 10? Don't know. Being pleasant at social events is tiring, and slightly frightening. It's easier at uni. There is common ground to cover there. Oh well. Cat's got my back. Probably should not lean on her so damn much. I used to be more awkward back in my even younger youth. Vermont days. Was very shy and retiring then. Now I'm just introverted, but can unshy and unretire myself if the situation calls for it. Everyone's getting old and stuff. Em is eighteen today. Strange. It's been...almost two years since we went to France together. Those were some nice days too. New year's eve day was amazing. Just chilling. I like that. Just talking with no sense of time and no agenda.

I feel melancholy but there is no one to be melancholy with. I'm tired. It's almost eleven. Wow. Was only a little while ago that we were surprised that it was barely 9:30. And there goes another day.

This song is amazing and it is just systematically destroying my heart. God. This whole album. 
When your mind is a mess, so is mine. I can't sleep cause it hurts when I think. My thoughts aren't at peace. All the words that we say, and the words that we mean, words can fall short. can't see the unseen. 
You're drifting. I can hear it in the way that you're breathing. We don't really need to find reason, cause out the same door that it came, well, it's leaving, it's leaving, leaving like a day that's done and part of a season. Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves. But at least we can sleep, it's all that we need. When we wake we will find our minds will be free to go to sleep.  

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