There seems to be some sort of cap trend going around

We counted a whole 210 of them at Knox today. We may have double counted some...still. That's a lot of caps. And then for added excitement, some of these cap wearers had hoods on top as well! Imagine that!

Off to Lake Eildon tomorrow. Shall be fun.

Something suitable. My blogging skillz have gone down. I no longer have the energy to think of titles.

I guess this is just an end of high school, where to now, Christmas, New Year's and end of year post. Though the excitement from reading this particular post comes from the unknown. Which topic shall I cover first?! Oh, the excitement!

End of high school life wise, I'm sorta meh. It comes and goes. I'm melancholy when I realise that I will never get to do all that stuff again, and never be able to have the experiences which I did ever again. At the same time though, it's sort of nice to move on, and to be doing something new. Though it will probably be rather uncomfortable for a little while. I remember moving schools in year 9...it was really awkward all the time. I had no friends. It was very upsetting.

Then there's the whole having to be an adult or "encountering the real world" which, as we have been informed by many people, is not as nice as high school world. I'm sure it's nice enough...

Hopefully.

I'm not particularly articulate of late. I should fix that. Somehow.

Articulate, leads my thoughts to words, leads my thoughts to getting around to writing that book, leads my thoughts to that massive list of stuff I had written down. That list of stuff regarding what to do post exams. I don't think any of that has happened yet...however, I do have a new list of stuff to do.

1. Make some sort of diary for next year (semi-important, sort of priority...not really actually)
2. Make a bunch of gift cards and sell them and make squillions of dollars before I've even turned 18.

I need to buy paper first though. And clean up the house and table and stuff. There's all this junk on my table...yeah, once I start making things, organisation is not a priority.

So yeah, selling cards would be nice. Making money, and gaining work experience. That's the where to now part I guess. Plan next year is to get mega involved, have crazy grades, and get a part time job. Yep. That's all there is to it. Apparently I should start debating. That would probably be a good idea. Although debating does scare the hell out of me. As in, strikes fear into my heart. Speaking, I don't mind. I quite like speaking, when I'm prepared. But giving an argument, actually it's more the thinking on the spot business, I'm not too great at. Shall see. I should probably start working harder from here on in. My study regime this year was rather slack...I worked. But probably not enough.

I wish someone would give me money to study. That would also be nice.

I also want a job. Because I have two months to do stuff.

I also need to practise piano.

My tummy hurts. Things to do, places to clean. Fare well.

1:08pm
Almost forgot this.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. And because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

I like it. It's very apt. Because I have no idea who I would have been had I stayed at Vermont, what I would like, what I might have been good at or what opportunities and experiences I might have had that I don't have in this life. But I do think that I took the better path, and that I have been changed for the better in doing so. Sure, there was sadness and stress and teenage angst and mistakes and stuff, but that would have happened anyway. I think.

1:16pm
I LEFT MY PALLAS AT SCHOOL. DHFIHSDIHFIHDIFHSDF. WHERE BE IT?????? I NEED PALLAS. MY FACE WAS IN THERE.

I woke at 4am and can't sleep

So naturally I'm blogging on my phone. Don't know if I woke cause I'm excited or cause my arms be mega itches. Might be both. I'm rather sleepy. My alarm is set to go in another two hours. Should try sleep.

Picnic was immense fun though. It
didn't rain. Happy birthday little one.

So I should try get back to sleep. But my arms have so much itch. And my knees hurt cause I woke up so early. In tossing up between itchy arms and possibly getting grass stains on my new cardi, I chose the itches. Hrm.

But twas immense immense fun with awesome people. Now I'm gonna go sleep.

Sometimes I do stupid things

Such as actually believing that tumblr was giving away iMacs. Sigh. Now creepy men will turn up at my house, call my home phone, and spam my email. Or give me some sort of virus, apparently. Which is why I'm still up. I would have gone to bed, but I am currently running a virus scan...it is at 67%. Hopefully my computer doesn't die. Though I do need to fix several problems, such as speakers being weird, monitor refusing to turn off, and somehow finding that illusive/ellusive/unfindable cable which allows me to have a webcam. I'm really sleepy. My eyes refuse to concentrate on anything in particular. It's freakin 1am. Interview on Friday. Inverloch on Monday. Results next Friday. And my brain is doing some sort of weird brain implosion, whose reality inception dance inside my head. Staying up late does weird things to my mind.

Still at 67%. This is gonna take a while. I guess I could just tell it to shut down after it's done. There's an idea. But I don't know if it's going to kill the bad things once it finds them...I'll see how far it's gotten after I write down this partial scene.

1:31am
Apparently there was nothing on my computer...I don't trust my AVG scanning.

Cleaning my room yields many interesting things

Such as this:

Remember the love we promised in the fall? That I left on a shelf next to a porcelain doll. Which one day I would brush, and as it shattered around me. Lying there, dusty fragments that I never did see.

It was meant to be a song...I still remember the melody. But in hindsight, it sucks and lacks subtlety. I prefer Bon Iver myself.

 

No, I can't hear what he's singing. But whatever it is, it's frickin depressing.

11:50pm

And, for a further ten minutes, happy birthday Jay-Z.

1:26am the next day

Yay for funny people.

LIFE'S A LEG A LAMB. LIFE'S A TACO.

Going On

Something I wrote in year nine for our poetry unit, and in my current mood, there are parts of it which still remain relevant. Cleaning my room is a very nostalgic venture. The rhyming thing is a little annoying, but that was the structure of the poem.

I look back, no longer do I belong,
And here I stand. Where I want to be.
I long for the past, but I'm going on

Clear droplets falling, and I'll be gone.
Standing there in silence, they're watching me.
I look back, no longer do I belong.

Moving from these walls. They are all I've known
For two warm years, where I was happy.
I long for the past but I'm going on.

We warmly embraced, such a mournful song.
Lost in a deep pool of cold misery.
I look back, no longer do I belong.

Recall her face, when I said I'd be gone.
Tears streaming. Hit hard, and swore at me.
I long for the past, but I'm going on.

Deep she hid her sorrow, and she had conned
All those around, sadness they did not see.
I look back, no longer do I belong.

A year from then, now singing this song.
It will be better, they're still here with me.
I look back. No longer do I belong.
I long for the past, but now I've gone on.

A long overdue post about the end of the year and everything which will probably take a few days to compose, thus making it even more overdue

And I'm sort of quite sleepy, so I shall return to this tomorrow.

Or maybe I'll write just a little bit while I'm here, and now that I've gotten off MSN. I know! I shall do this in parts! That shall be exciting!

Yeah, dress signing, muck up day and valedictory came and went. It was interesting, and a little bit of an anti-climax for me. I didn't cry, due to the fact that I was feeling extremely chipper during that period, and looking forward to pretty much everything life had to throw at me. There was a lot of thinking about old school and everything, and thinking about how many more people I know at my school now, and how many more friends I have. I don't know if that's due to the fact that I have been here for four years, and only at my old school for two, years during which I practically only had classes with my form. But yeah, I like to think it's because I just fit in better. Look at all the colourful signatures. And the bells which jingled and annoyed the hell out of everyone. My t-shirt when I left my old school...is sorta very empty. 

I'm quite glad I left. It has changed me quite significantly. 

I had previously thought that I would cry on muck up day, but alas it was not to be. Just many hugs, and exhaustion by the end of it. Right to the very end, I didn't really get to enjoy and relax and have fun cause I was organising a performance. I had a dream a few weeks ago where there was a breakfast at school again...probably fuelled by subconscious regrets that I didn't actually eat anything from the year 12 breakfast on  that day. 

I confess that I got no buzz, and barely remember the performance. I got more buzz envisioning it whilst I was singing in the shower, or rehearsing in L3. But such is life (almost typed suck is life...), and yeah, performances are a bit hit and miss. 

Speech Night was the big one for me, and has since worn off a little bit. But it...it actually worked, although that wasn't something I realised until the night had finished and people were congratulating us on the fact that it was good. I'm going to miss music so much. It's not the people I'm going to miss, it's not my friends that make graduating sad, though I will miss the fact that I get to see them every day, and can just run into them in that tiny little school. But the ones who are worth it will stick around, and though it may not be as often, as frequent or whatever, all going well, I will see them. But more than anything it's the experiences I've had there, and the opportunities for them. It's the fact that I'm never going to get those four years of amazing experiences and memories back, ones which can only possibly be formed in high school. No more musicals, Winter Concerts, Speech Nights, classrooms, inter-form competitions and rivalry, form assembly...all that stuff. No more walking into conference room whatever to have a class with Alexis. Merci pour tout ce que tu as fait pour nous. Comme tu as dit, il n'y a pas de mots. Mais, merci, merci, merci de m'avoir nous enseigné, mais surtout, ton amitié. Tes cours vont vraiment me manquer, et, ça va sans dire que tu vas énormément me manquer (j'ai écrit manger...comme je suis fatiguée). Merci.   

And that is my lovely, not particularly long ramble about the end of the year and what it means for me. I rambled longer last year about last year's year 12s. But I feel like I've exhausted this topic already with myself. To finish, they were a good four years which shaped me hugely at a time where I needed shaping. That didn't even make sense. I'm glad I ended up here though. 

Ha! It didn't take me days to write this. I did it all in...I'm not sure what time it was when I started. I'm sorta sleepy. Dancing tomorrow. Yay. Then party the day after. Yay. Then more dancing! Yay! 

I need to find some source of income. I think I'm a stressful, and expensive, child to have around the house. 

Beginning to get sick...again

I'm rather impressed. I haven't been sick for a while, and usually I get sick every fortnight. So yeah, I'm quite happy already. But now my head is starting to get quite heavy, and my throat is rather uncomfortable, verging on sore.

Just another day. I can hold out for another day. COME ON IMMUNE SYSTEM. Nearly there. Tonight is the end of those four brilliant years which I will never get back, never even get close to having again. No matter where I end up.

Anyway, off to do French and stuff, and have that last shot at the 99.95 which is largely already set in stone. Allez!

Just rewatched chorals video

1. Jane's voice was amazing in Firework. Did you hear her, ahem, Belt?
2. Michelle's opening to For Good.
3. Drums. Drumming just makes me excited in general.
4. Yoyo's intense vibrato face.
5. Hearing the vibraphone in For Good.
6. We were so good. We were so so so so freaking good.

I'm never going to get that again. Ever.

Should do French. I need to hit my two hours. Especially considering I didn't do any over the past two days.

I spent the whole day procrasti-reading

And now I feel immensely sleepy. I don't think ten day breaks are a positive thung for my French exam. Shall do stuff...now. I WILL. REALLY. 

10:01pm 

I remember crying to this for some strange reason. Probably cause it's so beautiful, simple, and yet often so difficult to attain. 

Sigh at the fact that my exam period still has another week to run. Sigh that it's also on Speech Night. Ah well. It happens.

10:25pm

Yeah, slightly late. But I am very welcoming of this "improves voice recognition for Australian users using dictation." Extremely welcoming. 

And an update on the sticky note on my desktop: 

• watch and read the perks of being a wallflower: Although apparently the movie isn't actually out yet. As unattainable as my "watch Avengers" dot point. 
• easy a 
• kingdom hearts 
• reborn 
• rave: Not raving, but reading Rave. Or whatever it's called.  
• pokemon bw: Both find a way to hunt down the manga, and play it. 
• soulsilver: Need to beat frickin Red. Imma train that Quagsire hard.  
• original silver: After I go through the messy business of transferring my Celebi out, then back in. Then I get to play on my lovely purple GameBoy Colour with no backlight, because we can't seem to find the charger for the SP. Which means that if someone turns the light off while I'm playing, I am rendered incapable of seeing the screen. Ah, the good old days. 
• plan and write a frickin book: In the process of the frickin writing, but I probably need to do some frickin planning to get the frickin writing done. At the moment it's more of a pleasure/pass the time/get these scenarios out of my head so I can actually sleep without having to play them over and over kind of thing. Not that they don't play in my head anyway...but it feels like I should write them down. 

List of things to do following exams, as per the sticky note on my desktop

• scar tissue: read Scar Tissue. Although I guess I have to purchase it first. 
• rafa: read Rafa's book. 
• conan 739: to remind myself that I am up to chapter 739. Need to catch up. Bahahahaha. 
• x-men origines: how embarrassing, I made a typo on the sticky note...but yes, need to watch X-Men. I forget whether or not we bought that one...I think we did. 
• captain america: pretty self-explanatory. 
• avengers: also self-explanatory, but difficult to do seeing as it isn't actually out yet. 
• spider man: I don't know why that's on the list. I'm not a big fan of Spider Man. Or maybe I was when I wrote it down...
• mashup of without you and with or without you: being a David Guetta song and a U2 one. They just flow very well. Need to record it for my own satisfaction. 
• narnia: put that on there last night...don't know if I actually want to read it though. 
• coldplay at emas 2011: saw a gif floating around on Tumblr of Coldplay playing at the EMAs. And it looked like a good gig. And they played their Mylo Xyloto stuff. I really quite badly want them to come to Australia. 

And that is what the list currently looks like.

Once upon a time somebody ran. Somebody ran away, saying "fast as I can. I got to go." Once upon a time, we fell apart. You're holding in your hands two halves of my heart. Once upon a time, we burn bright, now all we seem to do is fight. Coulda been a princess, you'd be a king. Coulda had a castle, and worn a ring. But no. You let me go. 

You stole my star.

And for that I'm sorry. Not sad over it anymore, and sorry doesn't really do much. But yeah.

, or .

There's just something about this video which makes me extremely happy.

I feel my heart start beating to my favourite song

It sounds so good. So...anthemic. As in...anthemish. And so much pretty paint in the video. And Chris Martin is one of the best front-men every. One of the weirdest looking people ever, but still awesome. Still adorable though. And blue eyes. They're so frickin blue. And paint splatters! And rainbows! And flashing patters which hurt my eyes. And Champion drumming.

So you can hurt, hurt me bad, but still I'll raise the flag. 

Want them to come to Australia. Quite badly. Want to jump up and down with the music blasting and come back at midnight with my ears ringing.

6:24pm

My desk has become this massive stack of maths practice exams...I don't even know how I'm planning to get these all into notes...somehow...I will develop a system where I know which ones I have copied already and which ones I haven't...yep. Anyway. To dinner.

Now how am I meant to do work?

Oh gosh. Um. I really want to go to a Coldplay gig now. Quite intensely. Oh gsh. They're livestreaming from Madrid. Which sends all my plans for study out the window. I guess I can do maths and watch at the same time...yes, sounds like a plan.

Gosh, please come to Australia. Please. And please don't be ridiculously priced when you do.

And now...

With all those celebration things done and dusted, TO STUDY. Which I have been neglecting for...the past couple of days. In the general excitement of all this stuff, I just sorta forgot about it...

Hasn't quite hit me yet, and it probably won't. I mean...I don't know what I mean. It came as a point that was inevitable, but it keeps...carrying over. I don't know what I'm saying. It's just not the end for me. I'm only seventeen, how could it be the end of anything?

I'm not making much sense, so I'm going to go brush my teeth then do some English.

For some reason Facebook is taking ages to upload my photos. And I have to do it in small batches of four or five so as not to freak it out, because then it can't handle the pressure and just never uploads them. Watching Coldplay videos while that's going on.

Flub flub flub

Yay!!!

11:18pm
I'm going to be very obnoxious on Monday...I've attached bells to my dress. Yep. Obnoxious jingling all the way from the train station out to school. Yay!!

Then there's the taking Mr Bump to school on Tuesday as well...in the apparent rain, which has since been denied by the weather forecast, but could possibly return. Yep.

Watching Waterfront. What better way to "study" for English than to watch Marlon Brando be cute? Sleepy now though.

Dance rehearsal tomorrow. I rather like dancing. It's fun. And people are nice too. Then book signing after. That should be fun too. So I should probably sleep cause I need to actually wake up tomorrow morning...

Will do. Night night.

In the end it's right

I've probably said this fifty billion times already, but can you imagine if I had graduated with them? If my valedictory had been on Monday, my last day of classes yesterday and my muck up day today. If I hadn't been...well, here. Mr Bump not sitting on the couch outside, not planning to buy ribbon to trim my dress with, not rushing up to the music department to cram in as many rehearsals as humanly possible. No daily meetings at Flinders, no being Music Captain, no Anton. None of the fifty billion brilliant people I've met. No trip to France.

Slightly weird. 

My sister told me that they sang Time Of Your Life (or whatever it's called) at the assembly/concert thing today. I remember a kid singing it at year 7 camp. In my head, it's a bit of a...loop. Connection. Thing. Don't know what I'm saying anymore. Just glad I'm here.

Darling we're slow dancing in a burning room. 

I need to listen to it closer. Haven't quite figured out what's happening in that song.

It's not the storm before the calm.  

When lost will you find me?

First time I've heard him belt notes. It's actually quite nice. I've just noticed that he has a tendency to close his eyes when he goes high as well. I need to stop doing it.

But they told me I'm meant to be faithful, and walk when not able, and fight to the end. But I'm only human.

French oral went quite nicely today. Not fantastically, but you know, it could've been worse. When I checked my phone I had ten messages. I felt so incredibly popular. Thanks guys.

Edit 6:52pm

You know, I'm getting that distinct feeling I got after my recital last year. The sort of feeling where I feel mega accomplished having gotten so far into the year, and suddenly have lost all motivation to study for anything else. Well, it's not quite as bad as last year. Although it is also more important than last year, with a further six exams instead of two. You know, with the way my subjects are, I will have had ten assessments for six subjects. Although that's not too bad, seeing as I didn't have midyears...

But now I feel like I deserve the weekend off...will work later. Will waste some time by reading. Which is what I did last year. Managed to catch up to Naruto in the space of a few weeks...yeah, I shouldn't do the subjects which have a performance component.

*squeeky*

Just watched this twice, deciding that I needed light relief after watching a "creepy Pixar short film". It was creepy.

Those birds are so obnoxious.

Ma voix

Hrm. I sang a lot today. Well, more than usual. And sorta more intensely than usual. And I practised French oral twice today. And babbled a lot in French with Jess, thus practising some more. And I'm sorta tired, and managed to ward of random sickness which attacked me in methods this morning.

And now my voice is screwed up. It should go away soon. It usually does. The screwed-up-ness, not my voice. Mrm.

Yeah. Maths to be done. My eyeballs hurt.

I have no doubt

Nice. Found it while I was doing some random thing and procrastinating.

No more doubt.

Want to go to A-town

Just to stalk Usher.

I haven't used the computer all day

I haven't even turned it on. I feel like this is somehow a measuring stick for achievement - how much time spent on computer.

However, I also didn't practice various instruments nor do French. But I did do a whole heap of maths, and wrote an essay for English (albeit probably a bad one...)

Hrm. Yes. I feel alright. I feel...weirdly good. It's going to work out, isn't it?

Gunning for 99.94 since 1994.

I was born in 94. Coincidence? I think not. It was meant to be. I was born to achieve this score, the ever-elusive ATAR of 99.94. I feel I can do it. I really do.

That aside, I actually worked today. I'm quite impressed. But still more to be done before I can even dream of that .94.

And just randomly, I love that bit after Gandalf's "death" in LOTR. The bit where everyone's crying, and Aragorn's all like "WE MUST SOLDIER ON" and Boromir goes "leave them alone!" And Gandalf was pretty much Aragorn's best friend for...a long time, and he's the one who has to get everyone going. Sniffle. Need to watch it again.

Shoot a hole into the sun

Ahh, I love how it sounds faintly Wonderwall-y. Noel Gallagher: using the same chord progression since 94. But it's so pretty. Best songwriter. It's weird. He's completely different when he's singing. It's...strange. His voice is different, his accent's gone, his whole persona is different.

Give you back a dream, show you now what might have been. 

It's so beautiful.

So many blessings while we stressing

Hrm. There has to be some strange, bizarre reason why I'm still awake.
I was reading. is that a reason? My brain's sorta...really really mushy right now. And my eyes are sorta not focussing well. Shouldn't read eBooks. See? Bad for me. Hand freezing cause of inactivity. Night friends.

If only, if only, the moon speaks no reply
Reflecting the sun and all that's gone by
Be strong my weary wolf, turn around boldly
Fly high, my baby bird
My angel, my only

Damn Yeezy and Hov, where the hell you been?

Yeah I always find, yeah I always find something wrong. You've been putting up with this s*** just way too long. Run away from me baby. Run away. Run away from me baby. 

Let's play the blame game. I love you more. Let's play the blame game for sure. Let's call out names, names, I hate you more. Let's call out names, names, for sure. I'll call you b**** for short. As a last resort and my first resort. You call me motherf***er for long. But at the end of it, you know we both were wrong. 

I'd rather be by my f***ing self. Til about two a.m. and I call back and I hang up and I start to blame myself. Somebody help.  Now who to blame. You to blame? Me to blame? For the pain and it poured every time when it rained. 

Otis, in which Ye and Jay decide to slice up a Maybach. I want Jay's NY hat. It's so cool. Yeah, I'm in a bit of a Jay/Ye mood.

Jay is chilling, Ye is chillin, what more can I say?

They look like they're having so much fun. Does anyone call Jay "Shawn"?

And the holidays started with a lovely day of doing nothing. Must knuckle down.

New blogger is sorta weird...I liked the old formatting window, but the new homescreen.

Flob flob

All the things caught in my mind

I want beats. My headphones are officially dead. Well, the left one decided to completely give up on me, though the right one still works. Although the jack connection is dodgy, so if I nudge it, the sound screws up.

I wish I had 700 dollars.

9:45pm

Things which made happiness:

- Double free today was fun. Apparently it was incorrect, but what the hell, it was fun.

Good night.

Blah-dy blah blah

Today wasn't a bad day. It was sunny and rather nice, without any hayfever. I had an English SAC which was strangely okay, although last time I felt like that I got my lowest mark for any of my SACs thus far in any subject this year...oh well, even if I didn't write a good SAC, I wrote a good story. I liked it.

I feel like moping about something, but I'm not sure what, and I think I'm just a little sleepy. Stayed up til 11 (yes, that is late for me, get over it) writing a Waterfront essay last night. It was worth the feeling of accomplishment.

I need to keep my mental game up, at least at school. Be like Nadal, have the strength and motivation. Acceptance of things I can't change. And all that.

Things which made happiness:

- lunch time was pretty spectacular. Just burning under the sun with my friends was enjoyable.
- year 12s rendition of One Moment In Time was a lot better this time around. Naisu.
- didn't crash and burn in English SAC

Going to sleep now to make up for my lack of sleep last night. I think I actually fell asleep at 12. My eyes. I left the house at 7 this morning and got home at 8. Tired.

Tomorrow:
- mock oral with Alexis. Will work on that in p2 free.
- commentary on English. Will think about that on the train.

9:20pm



Sniffle.

Sitting here watching US Open Final and wishing I didn't have methods this morning.

Then I could sit here for another two hours and not need to lead in fifteen minutes.

GO. COME ON. DON'T LOSE.

7am

DAMN I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL AND NADAL NEEDS TO BREAK BACK.

5:04pm

So...he lost. That was lame.

But he's still great. Haven't watched the presser yet, doesn't appear to have gone up. Wish he could play his normal game against Djokovic though.

I also have a book. Yay. It's the first new spanking book I've had in a while, and one which I've never read. I'm actually really excited. Fifty billion things to do. Odds are I'll end up procrastinating by reading.

9:26pm
A car just drove past with music blasting so loud that the floorboards pounded and the windows shook. And my brother thinks that the force of it book a crack in our windowsill thing.

Edgying

To put someone on edge

Ramble 19

My eyes hurt, I am sleepy "therefore I must sleepy", and am a little bit too tired to do work. But I need to do my detailed study so that I have something to show my French tutor tomorrow afternoon.

I listened to Jack Johnson on the train.

I might go to school late tomorrow. Should I? I'm really tired, but not sick enough to rate skipping things. I think that last sentence implied that I was going to skip morning classes. I'm not. I have a period one free. It's just that I never usually go late.

I deleted Detective Conan from my bookmarks bar. Victory.

Things/people are annoying me more than they ought to because of my mood.

Jack Johnson is calming.

I am struggling to be coherent.

I drank tomato juice today.

8:56pm
Not finding any information about detailed study on the internet, the place of infinite information, is disheartening. Good night.

A quiet rage about the media before I whoosh off to school

Or more specifically, Herald Sun. Or even more specifically, their little black box underneath the Sam Stosur article which said "watch Rafa's fall from grace."

Fall from grace? Really? One of two things: either stupidity and ignorance, leading to them not knowing what the phrase means, or, more likely, disgusting use of hyperbole.

Wikipedia says: "To fall from grace is an idiom referring to a loss of status, respect, or prestige." He had a cramp, as you do when you've been running around playing tennis for a few hours every two days.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I had angry words planned out in my head before...they seem to have disappeared.

Long story short, they portrayed my idol rather negatively, and that annoys me. A lot. I can see why people get annoyed at journalists. When Noel had his press conference about his new album, he started with "let the battle commence," in his amusing accent.

This is sort of ironic because I'm applying for a reporting program thing in my local area, or at least I'm hoping to. I don't hate all media. It's just that this small section annoyed me a little. Yes, I know it's their job, that they are trying to pull readers. I just don't particularly like the way they said it.

Now, off to school, and back to my quiet, un-opinionated existence.

7:23pm

Ramble 18

So like, Cat's gone to Thailand for a week on some crazy science thing. I think you already left, at about 2? I don't know. I should know more, shouldn't I? I should make more effort for everyone. Try to remember things better. Just try harder in general. It amazes me how many people stick around even with my "good enough".

I'm going to miss you. Going to miss having my security blanket around for a week. My reminder, person who keeps me organised. Confidence-giver. Squishy hugs no matter what mood I'm in, even if it's a mood where I can't be bothered with human contact. Nyurock. Safe trip, my friend, and come home safe.

And so my mind is jumping to a time after all this. Say, a year from now.

Who will I know? Will I miss them? Will I still talk to all those who are dear to me now? Or will it have become the situation where we try to meet up, but we're all a little half-hearted about it, and it just ends up with drifting-ness? I only talk to one person from my old school, and that sporadically. But we're good. How will it pan out for this? Although I do have more friends now then I did back in year 8. And not only has the quantity increased, but the quality has too!

At this moment of pondering, I'm not too worried. In fact, I'm not really that worried. It was just something I was thinking about. But I figured that if they're cool enough, they'll stick around. I hope.

I've done a fair bit of work today. But even so, I feel like it's not enough. Sigh sigh sigh.

Manga

Bleach is getting good again. I love "OH SNAP" moments.

The evil guy's all like "you haven't gotten that much stronger! Don't get your hopes up! Your crazy epic move was only a little bit better!" and Ichigo's all like "you tool, that wasn't a crazy epic move, it was a PRACTICE SWING" and the other guy's all like "oh. Damn."

And all the other shinigami are all like "hey, look at us, we all got stupid haircuts."

EVERY. LAST. ONE. OF. THEM.

Except for Ikkaku, due to lack of hair. Still. I WANT HITSUGAYA'S OLD HAIR BACK. NOW.

Should do some work.

Maths arguments

I was on the train today, having finished early, and I gradually became aware of some MHS kids debating maths a little bit behind me. One guy was insistently...insisting that one divided by infinity is equal to zero. It does not tend towards zero; it is zero. I was sitting on my seat, pretending to listen to music, and laughing quietly at his folly.

But then I sorta had a weird moment where I'm all like "BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T FOLLY AND WE JUST HAVEN'T REALISED IT YET???" He also insisted that .9 recurring was equal to one. Not rounded up to one, equal to one. Because "there are a couple of different ways of writing numbers e.g. one can also be written as two minus one." At which point I was a bit like "..." and all his friends were a bit like "are you serious?" and he was all like "IT'S NOT ROUNDING!" and I continue going "..."

He also said that "there is no place for common sense in maths", so I have no idea if he was just being obtuse for the sake of debate, or if he actually believed it...but by the sound of it, he actually believed it. He may be right, but for now, I hope that he goes with the flow. VCAA doesn't like it when you make up your own rules. Unless he's not planning on taking maths. Which would explain why he didn't seem to grasp the concept that one over infinity tends towards zero.

But yeah, that's my interesting little snippet for the day. For now, I will continue to believe that one divided by infinity only tends towards zero, and that .9 recurring not equal 1.0.

He was also willing to bet "all of the US debt" that .9 recurring was equal to one. Rich kid.

Edit at 2:48
LION KING COMING OUT ON DVD OCTOBER 4TH. IN CINEMAS SEPTEMBER 16TH. YAY.

Memory

Today was a good day. Fairly good. Need to print off a school captain recommendation.

Watching Annie freak out cause she was thinking that everyone was going to Thailand was amusing. It was a good day.

The one memory which remains strongest in my mind. Where we used to dare to dream.

Edit a minute later:

I just realised that my last three posts have been one word titles starting with M. How amusing. Maybe this could start a trend...although I have to somehow prevent myself from repeating...

Maintain

It's late, but I feel like giving a public announcement:

I highly appreciated your MSNing of me merely because we hadn't spoken in a while, Jessie. Relationships are sorta maintained by both ends, and I'm sorry I didn't take action sooner. But just so you know (or you don't know if you never read this), you're really cool.

Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.

Meffods

Rage-quat meffods cause it was too hard. Going to read Detective Conan instead. Then do some spesh. Is it strange that dynamics is easier than probability? A third of the methods course is probability. Siiiiigh.

Dare to dream

We're holding on to where we used to dare to dream.

Sorta want to do this at jazz night...though it's not strictly jazz, which may be a problem.  

Waking up

Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? The giving up is the hardest part. All at once, you have to say goodbye. Wondering could you stay in my life? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't. Cause she's gone. Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? Would you get them if I did? No you won't. Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone. 

Gone.  

Sometimes these things are way too real

Being on Blogger may not be good for what I am about to blog about. But I want to get this down before I...forget the feeling.

It's just something, a little dream of mine, that's been growing on my mind for quite some time. I want to make music my life, as someone once said to me, and become a professional musician. In my mind, that means performer. But it's hard, it's a difficult industry to get into, all these reasons not to do it. And being who I am, I also want to be filthy rich, and I don't know how well performing would pay. Yes, it's a deciding factor for me. "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari."

Well, not a deciding factor. But a contributing one at the very least.

But apart from all that, I'm afraid of my lack of commitment, skill and dedication. And conviction too I guess. I want to be sure of the path. I don't want to have done it for six or seven years, then suddenly decide or feel that it's not right for me. I'm afraid to lose my enthusiasm. I miss it, I miss playing piano and practising. But what happens when I don't?  What happens when I don't enjoy it anymore?

The problem is that I can see this so much clearer than I can see anything else. I've got these images in my head or being in a hall with an orchestra, recording or something. It's so much more real than any dreams I've got of being a lawyer or whatever. Probably because I've felt it and experienced it before.

But it's hard to get too. My lack of dedication is sorta showing in the fact that I'm blogging about this instead of doing homework to get the 99.95 I want so that I can get a scholarship to get money to do crazy things about this musical dream.

I wonder where other people decided, "this is it for me"? When they decided to commit their life to it. Was there ever a decision? Or did they already have it planned since childhood? I'm also afraid of that. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not a child prodigy. I'm good, yes. I can make good music. I can make special music. But so can so many others.

I'm afraid of how real this seems to me. And that when this dream shatters, it'll shatter so bad that I won't be able to build another.

Where are your guts to fly?

Procrastination and aiming high don't really go well together

I haven't done any work since I got home...well, I've added about 150 words to my French general convo since my return at about 4:30. Yeah. After dinner I read a little bit. And now I find myself here. I was all like, "yeah, I'm going to do this English essay now instead of leaving it until Friday night/Saturday morning to complete for my tutor Saturday afternoon", but I left my English stuff at home*. Well done Sarah.

So I'll write some spec notes instead. But it feels so much less fulfilling...

She was a reader, a dreamer; she lived to embody; He was logic and truth and practicality.
She was too big for his heart, too big.
Too big...

*Edit at 5:57pm on the 22nd July 2011
I meant school.

I was going to write a teenage angst post (or well, it was actually bordering between angst and nothingness) about an hour ago, but then backed away from the computer and played some clarinet instead. And then I did some French after that. For some strange reason, I just forgot that I had done the French, and thought I'd wiled away 28 minutes doing nothing in particular on the internet. I say nothing in particular cause I didn't even go on Facebook. Yay for restraint.

So I think that was pretty productive. That being said, I am on blogger...going to do some spesh now.

And Harry Potter music is quite nice. Hhsfidfajfksjf I have Lord of the Rings craving. And I also want to watch the Godfather. And Up. And a whole bunch of other things.

Rainbows

I saw two rainbows today. 

Yes two. Are you jealous? One on top of the other. It was rather swell.

Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me. 

Ways to procrastinate

Read through and sort email inbox.

I'm avoiding work

So much French and other random stuff to do.

Set me free. Leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go. Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Can't embed video. So here is a nice live version, and here is the official video, albeit in dodgy quality.

I saw her play this at the Maroon 5 concert. It was amazing. It was a top gig.

Another reason why Chrome is the snazziest browser around

I was just going through my blog, and I discovered that Chrome will automatically open up the next page in your blog when you get to the last blog on the page you're one. Hoh my goodness. How snazzy.

Unless that's I a blogger thing that I just haven't noticed up til now...

Nope, it is a Chrome thing. Chrome is awesome. Chrome has spellchecker. Chrome is telling me that "hoh" is not a word (I know, I was just trying to sound English.) Chrome let's you Google things in the url bar.

Yes, Chrome is lovely.

Although I'm not quite as obsessive as Mabel, who feels that she has to download it every time she logs onto the computer at school.

Today I did short answer questions from chapter 6 through to 9...which now doesn't look like very much. Sigh. Ah well. I'll live. Hopefully.

I've been meaning to read the whole Redwall series, but the next one up is Martin the Warrior, and I just can't bring myself to read it. It's too sad. Yes, it's about a mouse. But it's all sdfhisdhpfihdsf. Why couldn't you just let him be happy for once? I don't know why it gets me so much. It's a little strange that it does. After all, he is a mouse. This is sounding more ridiculous by the second. I'll stop now.

And I have a whole bunch of things I want to draw during the hols. Including several birthday things.

Edit 7:52pm

Scratch that. I think it was just a Mac thing. A Mac/Chrome thing. Sigh. Maybe it's Chrome thing which I need to install...must ask the brother.

Rain, rain, rain go away

I get what all those people who comment on this video saying that they miss the "old" Kanye mean. I love his first two albums. All the gospel singing, and the stupid skits. Graduation and MBDTF are brilliant, it's just that it's a different type of style, and different subject matter. I preferred the rapping about the racism and poverty over the rapping about how awesome he is. Don't get me wrong - I love hearing them rap about how awesome they are - but there's just so much more...bittersweetness in the first two. It gets me in the heart. It's a different kind of appeal to the I'm awesome, and one which I like more I guess. 

And 808s...I don't really count as an album. For me, it went College Dropout, Late Registration (the best. Even the covers the best), Graduation, then MBDTF. That album art comment may actually be a little biased. I do judge books by their covers, but I maintain that good books will have good covers. However, the quality of the book might influence how I feel about the cover...

That's irrelevant and had no point. 

Rain. rain, rain go away. Let the sun come out. Keep your face to the rising sun. And I don't care about all the diamond rings. They don't mean a thing. All that glitters is not gold. 

Can we not stray?

I'm sick. Again. Sorta. Trying to fight it off with water, Xergic, honey and...asian stuff which is called Nin Jiong Pei Pa or something like that. Nommy. 

You said you wish you did not love me anymore. You left your flowers in the back seat of my car. The things we said may have left permanent scars. I've been lying in the dark no sunshine. She cries, "this is more than goodbye, when I look into your eyes you're not even there." You may not believe me but I gave you all I had.

This song off the new album. One of few good ones. How is quite good too. Maroon 5. Nom nom nom.

My nose hurts.

Fairy Tail. Makes me happy. Yay for Gray.

I was doing maths, then rage quite, and spent two hours trying to get Pokémon onto my DS

But now it works, after much blood, sweat and tears. And my phone no longer has an SD card. Oh, the sacrifices which must be made.

I once again named my character PSYDUCK in keeping with tradition, although time I'm a girl. Usually the guy sprite looks better, but this time they both look weird...I'll be a guy in Black. Professor Juniper also forced me to nickname my Tepig, so I called it BECTEEPIG. I did get the urge to name myself VOLTORB though...I will probably do that to my other character, and then name the Oshawott PSYDUCK, which will cause considerable confusion.

And I like having names in all caps.

The graphics are also crazy and 3D and make my eyes hurt. I miss the simplistic little sprites. I want to play the originals. Reading the manga at the moment as well. Pikachu is soooo cute in the manga. Sah cute.

And I hate that excruciating part at the start of the game where you haven't got running shoes/a bike. And I need Bec's DS so that I can infect my Pokémon with Pokérus. And I caught Mewtwo in SoulSilver. Baha.

And I just discovered how to make the pi symbol on a Mac. Like this: π.

Yay for π.

Seeing my ex-piano teacher tomorrow. Haven't seen her for some time. A little happy and excited.

I feel spontaneously deep and meaningful

I'm not too sure what I'm wanting to say here. Just a lot of thoughts whirling around my brain.

Sometimes the love I have for my friends hits me very hard. I'll admit it: I MSN status stalk people. Yes, I've gotten internet stalking down to Windows Live, because people tend to post MSN things rather than Facebook statuses. I can understand that, seeing as I do that myself. Easier, and I'm not particular about MSN PMs not making grammatical sense. However, Facebook statuses must make sense and relate back to the noun which is my name.

But yeah. So I Windows Live stalk people. And it's a little strange. There are people who I'm content to sit back and wait for. Wait for them to bring things up, instead of me chasing after them. But there are others who I just wish and want so badly to know what they're thinking. Because I'm not sure I've done enough. Even though they've never doubted me, I feel like I haven't done enough.

I've sort of lost the words now. I used to be able to comfort, and to be optimistic. Now I feel cheap and patronising when I do it. Because I keep on repeating myself. And because, sometimes, I don't believe it either. I know it. I know that I've got it good and that things will pass. But knowing and believing are two different things. And some things just cannot be helped. They just need time, as stupid as that may sound. For me, anyway. Time to just sit back and let the shock and disappointment gradually fade away.

I'm typing with the bass clarinet thing in mind. The reason why I was so upset was probably because of the shock. In all honesty, I was expecting to go up to Ballarat and play clarinet. I guess not doing that shocked me as much as if I had been rejected and not been able to go at all. It wasn't that disappointing, I think I just didn't expect it. Now I'm fine with it, cause I get to go up and frolic with my friends for a day. Actually, thinking of it, I'm actually looking rather forward to it. Or is that rather looking forward to it?

Sometimes I think of how socially awkward I am. It has improved since I changed schools, but sometimes talking to certain people will make me realise how un-outgoing I really am. There are some people who I wish I could be close to and comfortable around, but it just doesn't work.

But then there are also pleasant surprises of realising that you are...unique (?) to someone. I got Facebook invited to a friend's birthday party, out of about twenty-ish people. I was rather surprised, but it also made me very happy. Because I enjoy her company, and she makes me happy. I respect her a lot, and even though we've never had a deep and meaningful in our lives (which is usually what makes a close friend for me), I realised that she's one of the people I will actually make an effort to keep in contact with after we graduate. And I'm comfortable around her, and conversation is so easy.

So yeah, just so you know (or don't know, as the case may be if you never read this), you make me happy Zoe.

What else in this long ramble of nothing?

My brother has three exams in three days. Good luck.

I miss doing music so badly. There was just something about doing music as a subject. Something about the atmosphere, environment, call it what you will, that made me so happy, even if it stressed me out a fair bit. There were only five of us, so that probably contributed to the happiness. We were close. We had fun, and we got to talk and enjoy each other's company. I just really miss it.

This long rambly thing will probably be taken down before Tuesday (if I remember), because it's really long and rambly. So read it while you can. Although, it could just be this last bit which is taken down, thus rendering this last bit untrue.

Running through the rain.

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. Doesn't mean I'll stop. Doesn't mean I'm across. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt, doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved - no better, and no worse.

In a Coldplay mood. And I have Lover/Soldier stuck in my head. Had four frees today. Spent the first one wandering around with Alice trying to find a computer room and collecting her various things so that she could print something. Spent second period figuring out Lover/Soldier on piano. I turned the computer on in L302 and decided to have a bash at the piano while I was waiting. Ended up bashing for forty minutes. I shouldn't study in room with pianos.

However, I did do a solid hour or more of spesh in 3 and 4. So that was good.

Things which made happiness today:

- Class jumpers arrived today
- This which my brother posted to my wall.

Quoi d'autre?

- Cup a soup
- Mum's beef soup

I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me. But I don't think we need to cause it's just so easy. 

The awesome version of this song.

The hardest part was letting go. Not taking part. No silver lining: no cloud. Oh, and I? I wish that I could work it out. Cause everything you know is wrong, and everything you do? It just comes undone.

Yes. My favourite version. Better than the original. Except for the screaming and stuff.

Happy birthday to mud man

I didn't realise it was Rafa's birthday until my brother texted me this morning. For some reason, I was under the impression it was the 23rd...possibly because I discovered his birthday the year when he was turning 23.

So happy birthday to him.

He is the reason why I am still around at 11:45. Watching him, and "doing spesh." But mostly watching him, and listening to this commentator who sounds like Yaxley from Harry Potter 7:1.

Forty love up, break point, second set, 2 games all.

His form at the moment is really temperamental. Like my mood and the weather.

Things which made-ish my day:

- Giving Cindy and Angela their certificate. They were very excited. Or rather, Angela was.
- Nadal winning that point. It was a very fine point. And his little boy excitement jump of victory.
- Spesh with Mabel.
- Listening to The Masterplan. I am in a very Masterplan mood.

So I shall leave you with this.

Because we need each other. We believe in one another.

Happy birthday. Please win so you can make my day. Or well, my tomorrow. Please.

Hey, he has fives on his shoes. HIT HARDER. I'm only watching this one because I probably won't watch the whole of the final which I'm hoping Rafa will feature in. Hoping I will watch some of it though. This guy makes me happy.

And this commentator annoys me.

Now I should hurry up and post this before it's no longer his birthday.

Happy birthday to General Dread

Happy 44th to my favourite songwriter.

Let’s have some musical cheese.

Oasis was my first musical love. They were the first band I ever followed with such intense passion and obsession. And Noel was the best part of it. His songs are amazing (to use a word which he hates).

God, how do I say what I want to say? I’m not very eloquent when it comes to emotions of admiration. Oasis inspired me, especially with those early albums, where you could just feel that unabashed optimism radiating from them. The feeling of “I’m in my 20s and I don’t care what you think, I’m gonna make it” attitude. They taught me optimism.

Just resaw the Adidas sticker he has on his guitar…

Continuing. He’s my first love. Despite him now being 44, I reckon he’s one of the coolest looking guys ever. Twenty years ago, his bowl cut was adorable. Now he’s just cool.

He’s the reason why I wanted to get a leather jacket.

In a way, Oasis brought me to music. Even if I don’t listen to them as much as I used to (it used to be Oasis and only Oasis), there’s always a part of me that gets ridiculously bubbly and excited when I play their music. And there’s always a part of me that thinks no other artist could ever top their first two albums. For me, Definitely Maybe and Morning Glory are where it’s at. They were just so together, production, arrangement, vocals, songs. They were complete as albums.

I was gutted when they broke up. It was a dream of mine to stand in a crowd of ten thousand and be singing Don’t Look Back In Anger up to him while he smiled down and sang along. It was actually a dream, which can no longer be realised. So I’ll just wait for Noel to record some solo stuff, which will hopefully be decent.

Outside the band, he’s hilarious and ridiculous opinionated. And oh so cool with his rock star attitude.

So here’s to a loud-mouthed, arrogant, wisest idiot of a genius songwriter who wrote Definitely Maybe and Morning Glory.

Another kid who’ll never know my name, but who I admire so much.

Peace, love and bananas, Chief.

There was stuff to blog about

But Blogger didn't allow me in, so I had to eat some cookies and then it let me back in. No idea why it worked, but it did.

And now I cannot be bothered. I shall sleep so I shall be revitalised and actually work tomorrow.

Please.

Don't you wish it'd go on forever

The final night was amazing. It was the best feeling in the world. That moment when the audience is cheering, and you haven't even played perfectly, but you've done what you set out to do. That absolutely incredible feeling of performing. It's indescribable. That moment, when we stood up after that extremely long last chord which we didn't want to let go of, with the excitement and pure joy bubbling inside my chest. I was unbearably happy. It's actually a strangely painful emotion. Probably not because of the happiness, actually, but knowing that it was the last time that we would be able to do that as that particular group. 

The audience helped a lot. It was more the fact that they clapped so hard for the show, and the fact that it was the final night, rather than any crazy prowess on my part that made me feel so good. 

I can't put it into words, no matter how hard I try. I just keep replaying it over and over in my head. That huge last chord which we milked for all it was worth. The encore, the first night we got an encore. The first time we ever played the outmarch. Because we just didn't want it to stop. Well, at least, I didn't. 

My first and last high school musical (ha) was amazing. Despite me having been in a terrible mood during rehearsals, the performances were fantastic. I was on such a high for the last two weeks, just to see it all coming together. 

Having that final night also made my mind fast-forward, to about seven months from now when I will sit in the hall for the last time. The thought of having to say goodbye. 

I'm very grateful for the fact that I've discovered music. That I've had the chance to be part of ensemble playing. There is nothing better in the world than to be able to share the joy success with other people. Solo playing, well, like the name suggests, it's more for myself. I do it more for relaxation than for anything else. But performing with others is actually to create, lame as though that might sound. 

I have no idea what I'm trying to say anymore, and with each word this gets more confusing. So I'll stop. 

Just know that it was incredible. And I can't stop smiling. 

Now, back to studying for the many SACs which I have. My school work has been neglected during the past two weeks. Sigh.

Something from a deceptively simple book

He was just a fifteen-year-old kid, and "eternity" didn't seem much longer than a week from Tuesday.

Ransom sometimes hits too close to home

Hypothesis about one of the author's messages, as decided by myself and my English tutor:

Do not dwell on things which you can't change.

Another one is:

You can't change who you are.

I'm also sick. Again.

There's a lot to blog about

But I've forgotten what it was. However, I do have exciting news.

- 29 Hyper Potions
- 1 Super Potion
- 1 Potion
- 16 Revives
- 5 Max Revives
- 3 Parlzy Heals
- 3ish Ethers
- 1 Full Restore
- 61 minutes of my life

What it took to become Pokémon League Champion of Johto.

And what the hell Lance. Three Dragonites? Three?? I beat the first one, and I'm thinking "yes, it's all easier from here after the Dragonite."

Champion Lance is about send out Dragonite

Wait, what? He has another one? 

And then he had another after that. You can't even get level 49/50 Dragonites. What is he feeding those things if he gets them to evolve so early? 

But I did manage to beat him. The Elite Four were nothing compared to him. Half an hour for all four of them, then another half hour just to beat him. Champions will be champions. 

It's sorta cold

Yes, I realise it's early in the morning. I'm waiting for breakfast. And it's freezing. My computer hasn't stopped whirring since I turned it on.

Nadal lost to Djokovic. These three weeks have the potential to be very bad. If I let them.

Note to self: must not let them.

The end.

M5 on M5, being Maroon 5 on the fifth of May (also known as the fifth of the fifth)

Yeah, they're very big on their fives and stuff.

Amazing. Being on the floor increased the atmosphere ten-fold from when we went to see Usher. I could actually see Adam Levine's face. It was amusing. He's rather metro. What an incredible front man. He reminds me of Chris Martin, with all the energy he brings onto the stage with him. For some reason, my thoughts jump to Liam, and as much as I love him and his odyssey of idiocy, he's a pretty fail front man. Noel at least has emotion when he sings, even if he does look rather bored playing the guitar...but Liam, as compared to someone like Adam Levine? Just...yeah. He was brilliant. He was so into it.

Such a bromance going on with James Valentine (from here on in known as Jimmy V, cause that's what Adam Levine calls him. When he first said it, I was all like "what? who?") They're such kids. They're all like "we're so in sync that we'll jump down on the last chord of the song cause we've been bffls since we were teenagers".

And his hair. It's ridiculous. Look at it go. 

My brother thought a girl had replaced him...awks. 

I once again bought an over-priced t-shirt (although five dollars cheaper than Usher - yay! Massive win), with pretty triangles and everything. My mother had forbidden me from buying one before we left last night, but then I called her and used my mega persuasion skills over the phone once we got to Rod Laver. 

The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, why are you calling?"

"...can I buy a t-shirt?" 

She relented. But only after we told her that cloaking had been free. Savings of two dollars. 

I was listening to She Will Be Loved today. Just re-realised how amazing it is. A cause of me not having realised (sort of) was that I never heard the last lines the way they were. I always heard it as something weird and funky. But now, it all fits, and it's even more suited than I ever intended it to be. 

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

It sorta hit me last night, how amazing it would be to be up on that stage. I get such a high from performing just in an ensemble where I in no means play an important part (pardon me if that made no sense, I'm rather tired). Could you imagine the feeling of over ten thousand people watching you? 

By the way, our little digital camera is a freakin beast.

They played a fair bit of their old stuff, which was very enjoyable. Nothing tops Songs About Jane.

Support acts were also rather decent, unlike for Usher (seriously, Trey Songz? "I am single and lonely ladies. Ladies, I'm single. By the way, I'm single. And lonely. I'm looking for love. Cause I'm lonely. And single.) First there was this Ry Cuming guy who no one knew, so it was slightly awks. However, his voice was quite nice, as were his songs.

 Then there was Sara Bareilles (whose last name I read as Beret until she introduced herself last night).

I was never really that into her, but man, she was good.

I am now very tired. Had this brief, split-second dream state before while doing spec. My brother asked me a question, and I just blanked out momentarily. You know that state of a dream where you believe that you're somewhere, but you know that you're not? That's what happened. For a brief, brief moment, I thought I was somewhere else. I have no idea where. But yeah. The point is, I'm very tired and my knees hurt. But oh, it was worth it.

 It was incredible. 

Driving slow on Sunday morning, I never want to leave

An inventory of French homework

Necessary things:

- Six general conversation files open. There would be seven if I could remember the last topic (Edit 11:10pm - I only have five files open. Can't remember two topics)
- Pocket Oxford Hachette French Dictionary
- Bescherelle
- Linking words sheets
- Notes from Alexis' session today
- Lots of tissues

Unnecessary things:

- A headache
- Un nez qui coule
- Le rhume
- Le facebook
- Le Blogger
- Le sleep-deprivation
- Le procrastination

Things which I could go without but add comfort:

- Lord of the Rings playlist. Soothing to the nerves.

Need to fetch Vicks.

I should do some English. Or something. Productive.

Sometimes you're sitting here, fantasising about that boyfriend that will come one day, then BAM, Cloud appears on your desktop, staring straight at you with weird turquoise/blue/lime green eyes and his stupid hair.

And you're all like, "well, damn."

How to write an English oral

1. Have supportive siblings who are willing to give you
 - points for your argument
 - emotional support
 - phone for timing speech cause I can't find my stopwatch on my phone
 - conversation to distract you when it gets too much

2. A speech

3. More than half a 1kg carton of mango yoghurt which expired yesterday. But still good.

Edit at 12:24am the next day (or well, it's the same night technically).

I finished that yoghurt. My tongue feels disgusting.

The Cloud Song

Originally from DeviantArt, however, I found the Youtube link. Much happiness. Thanks to Bec Tee for making my day. For several days. 

DFO Part II

Saw this at DFO. It was 80 bucks on sale, so we decided to get it online from US. Had momentary panic because I couldn't find it online, but then Lorry found it for me last night. 60 RRP, and 15 on sale (stupid ridiculously overpriced Australia).

However, they are out of stock.

I shall now patiently wait for them to restock.

Now I think about it, it's the same as when I couldn't find it...why was I freaking out then and not now?

But pretty pretty pretty. 

I want. 

Now.

I'll be patiently waiting like Usher. Cause I really want more. 

Ramble 18

Yesterday I went to DFO. Bought jeans. Was going to buy awesome Tommy Hilfiger sweater, but the sale price here was about the equivalent to buying it in America and getting it shipped here. So I'll just wait for the online shop to have a sale. Or something.

But I want that sweater. Now.

I have also recently noticed that when you look at the Android logo upside down, it looks like clotcud...

Whatever that means.

That last post was also my 200th. I'm sorry I didn't mark it. However, it did turn out to be a deep one, and had a nice Beatles reference, without me even intending to. So all is well.

House building

I'm fixing the hole where the rain gets in...

Or trying to.

"Yeah I know..it's like you had a really nice house made up of lots of big bricks, big crumbly bricks, which needs maintaince (who knew?) Or else it starts to deteriorate. Before long you have this big crumbly mess that use to be a nice house. Sigh. And then you need to pick up all the crumbs and mould them back in to big bricks. Then you need to pick up these heavy heavy bricks to rebuild your house and there's no easy way of doing it. When you are completely exhausted and can't possibly pick any more bricks, you probably should take a break. It's slow. Sometimes it's frustrating because it seems you're not progressing but if you step back you can see that your walls have grown a little. If you keep building and adding bricks one by one, you'll slowly rebuild your house And then if you continue to improve your house it might become better than the house you had before."

At the moment, I'm at the completely exhausted and need a break part of things. I also need to get some bricks. And they're heavy. They might not be the right shape, but they don't look utterly wrong. And if they are, I'll only know after I've tried. 

Taking a break. 

The silence: A post from the 19th of April

The silence of the night, when it’s just you and your brother sitting at the computer. But it’s a companionable one. Unlike awkward silence with people you sort of know, but sort of don’t, and it’s like, we’re running dry on conversation topics…

People observe the colours of a day only at its beginnings and ends, but to me it’s quite clear that a day merges through a multitude of shades and intonations, with each passing moment. A single hour can consist of thousands of different colours.

I should really get around to reading that. But first, to take some photos of Cat’s birthday present(s).

I love how Pokémon still optionally pluralises things, for example Fury Attack, hit 1 time(s) or 2 time(s). You think they would have programmed it somehow by now.
The silence is starting to get to me. Those words left unsaid. Largely my fault, I guess. Sorry.
But that’s what gives it its charm I guess.

Books I must read

The Book Thief - finished Thursday April 28th
On The Jellicoe Road (re-read) (must borrow)
Peter Pan
The Hobbit (re-read)
Book of Lost Tales (I and II)
The Silmarillion
A Christmas Carol (by the time I get up to this one, it will be around Christmas, or close enough. If I do this in order.)

Dear internet,

From this day on, I try to shake my addiction.
Please don't miss me too much, because then I'll be tempted to come back.
I will check my email daily. That is all.
I'm sorry it had to end this way, but you're becoming detrimental to my health and intelligence.

Here's hoping that it works out this time.

Love,

Sarah

Concerning Hobbits...actually, not really

I was gonna d&m on Tumblr. But it's being screwy. You never let me down blogger. Anyway, I've taken that as a sign that I shouldn't d&m.

I want to play Lord of the Rings. Now. Cause I'm listening to the soundtrack and it's beautiful and makes my heart ache.

The Hobbit's being filmed. Bret's in it. Let's hope he doesn't have a speaking role, cause I'll be giggling just to see him being serious on screen. I don't quite understand why they chose him to play an elf of all things...

Everything about LOTR just gets me right in the heart.

I'm sleepy. Immensely.

I need to evolve my Eevee.

I need to work.

It's building again.

Pokaymon

Just wanted to say:

My Pokémon have freaking Pokérus. Hell yeah.

I am never getting rid of this SoulSilver. At least, not without backing the virus up. Thoroughly. Many times. Baha.

I swear, last time I checked the clock, it was only ten past ten or something...somehow I am now here an hour later. I think I got too excited, what with all that infecting.

Of getting way too annoyed at things which aren't worthy my annoyance

One life you gotta do what you should

Or at least try to. As Alice's mum said, the only person you're bothering when you get annoyed at others is yourself.

Although being annoyed at others is still fun.

But yeah. I'll do what's right by me. Not that anyone's telling me not to.

I shall attempt to be calmer from here on in. After all, I'm the only one who ends up all flustered if I get flustered. I will pick other times to be flustered. Just not every time I hear stuff which I don't like.

I'll be more selective about it. Aye.

This post makes no sense. I'm sleepy. I need to do work.

This is the part of the holidays where I hit a bit of a panic attack.

And Bleach, I saw the ending of your last chapter coming about five or six days ago. As soon as I found out that he was surprised cause weird reiatsu was coming out of him (I thought someone just shouted his name in surprise cause Chad had found out something extraordinary...), I knew.

What you don't have you don't need it now

That's a lie Bono. Very nice line. But in my current state of mind, a bit of a lie.

I was sitting in the car

I was sitting in the car, on my way to maths tutor. As usual, I'm worrying about what happens next year, what happens if I don't get 99.95 and don't get into law, etc. etc. What happens if I don't like law even if I do get into it. What if I do like it but I suck at it. What if I'm a failbot and don't get into anything.

Mother as usual is calming and rather nice. And she says to me, "wherever you go, there will be a path that opens up. You can definitely do it. Trust me."

Now that I think about it, I'm not too sure what "it" is.

Point is, if my mother parents who came from not much in China, who came to Australia with nothing, can be happy and content with their occupation and life, then surely I can, no matter where I end up. I mean, I've had amazing opportunities to be born where I was, to go to the school where I am.

It's just a matter of time. There's always another way. There will always be a door which will open up, no matter which path I take. Just have to find it.

So I will trust Mum. Because my parents have been through hardship, and if they believe in me, then I guess I can too. At least in terms of "making it."

Wherever "it" is.

But I'll go down that path and open that door when I come to it.

It.

Listening to Together Forever

Together Forever is a song off 2.B.A Master a.k.a the Pokémon soundtrack. It makes me ridiculously emotional. Thinking about that episode where Ash battles Ritchie makes me all emotional as well. As does flicking through Facebook photo albums of other's, seeing their pictures of Duke of Ed, or the end of term 1.

I want to make this year a year to remember.
I want to feel like that every day of my life.
I want to seize every single opportunity which is available with both hands, and make the most of every passing moment.

There are so many things I want to do this year, so many memories which are already lodged in my head but which are yet to be had.

Having two people tell me that they're glad to have met me in the space of only a few days lifts my heart. A lot.

Because, at this point in time, they don't regret meeting me. That's a small, personal victory. Actually, it's a rather momentous personal victory.

I don't need to have it said all the time anymore. If I know that I've held it, then once is all I ever need. It's when I begin to doubt my ability to keep people that I lose faith.

This probably makes no sense to anyone else.

Main point of this is:

1. I'm ridiculously emotional when it doesn't call for it
2. I'm glad for the people whom I hold dear

And I had a crazy dream involving driving Cynthia home this morning...I think someone was chasing us. Or trying to catch us. Actually, I believe that was another part of the dream. Never mind.

I've spent too long making this blog post epic. I am highly sleepy.

Of being in year 12

Sometimes, it really hits me that I'm in my final year of high school. Like that time during SRC exec speeches when I'm sitting up at the front of the hall, gazing up at the stage. "That's a mighty fine stage," I thought to myself.

A little strange. But I love that school. Despite the lack of facilities and the hour-long commute every day, I love it.

This past week has been exceptionally emotional. Sitting in a little madrigal circle in the theatre, all it took was a gift and a "dah" from a life-long friend to set me off. Sitting here just thinking about chorals makes my heart ache. Because I'll never be there again. Which is a strange thought.

Then there was Mary's farewell, where Mieke's tears set me off as well. All this may or may not be attributed to me being overly tired.

I want to live this last year to the absolute fullest.

P.S. And every year after this one too.

Edit 9:11pm
I have had One running around my head for the better part of the week, with every line hitting my heart every time I listen to it. So it's high time I do some massive quote from it. The whole songs gets to me, but some parts get to me more.

Tried a few live versions, but they don't have the same desperation of the original. It's that weird squeaky breaking thing he does with his voice which gets to me.

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Does it make it easier on you now you got someone to blame? 

Did I disappoint you? Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love and you want me to go without. Well it's too late tonight, to drag the past out into the light. We're one, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other. 

Did I ask too much? More than a lot? You gave me nothing, now it's all I got. We're one, but we're not the same. Well, we hurt each other and we'll do it again. You'll say, "love is a temple, love the higher law." "Love is a temple." "Love the higher law." You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl. And I can't be holding on to what you've got, when all you got is hurt. One love. One blood. One life, you got to do what you should. One life with each other. 

One life, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other. 

Carry each other. 

Ramble 17

I spent all of yesterday reading Fairy Tail, so I'm uber(ish) early to do Mary's scrapbook, and various other things which need to be done. I also need to eat breakfast.

Can't embed the original, so here's a live version.

God damn I want his glasses. 

Chorals is coming up. Chorals stress is running high. General stress is running high. Fifty billion things to do. Fifty billion things I need to get on top of. And I spent yesterday reading Fairy Tail...I'm not very good at this year 12 lark. 

Recently gone back to my roots, and listening to Oasis. Current playlist comprised of:

Don't Go Away

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Just Getting Older

Talk Tonight

Listen Up

(You've Got) The Heart Of A Star

Sunday Morning Call

Carry Us All

Cast No Shadow

Here's hoping that Wonderwall is on the medley this year. 

You can only be what you are

So don't go away. Say what you'll say: say that you'll stay forever and a day, in the time of my life. Cause I need more time. Yes, I need more time, just to make things right...