It's just something, a little dream of mine, that's been growing on my mind for quite some time. I want to make music my life, as someone once said to me, and become a professional musician. In my mind, that means performer. But it's hard, it's a difficult industry to get into, all these reasons not to do it. And being who I am, I also want to be filthy rich, and I don't know how well performing would pay. Yes, it's a deciding factor for me. "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari."
Well, not a deciding factor. But a contributing one at the very least.
But apart from all that, I'm afraid of my lack of commitment, skill and dedication. And conviction too I guess. I want to be sure of the path. I don't want to have done it for six or seven years, then suddenly decide or feel that it's not right for me. I'm afraid to lose my enthusiasm. I miss it, I miss playing piano and practising. But what happens when I don't? What happens when I don't enjoy it anymore?
The problem is that I can see this so much clearer than I can see anything else. I've got these images in my head or being in a hall with an orchestra, recording or something. It's so much more real than any dreams I've got of being a lawyer or whatever. Probably because I've felt it and experienced it before.
But it's hard to get too. My lack of dedication is sorta showing in the fact that I'm blogging about this instead of doing homework to get the 99.95 I want so that I can get a scholarship to get money to do crazy things about this musical dream.
I wonder where other people decided, "this is it for me"? When they decided to commit their life to it. Was there ever a decision? Or did they already have it planned since childhood? I'm also afraid of that. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not a child prodigy. I'm good, yes. I can make good music. I can make special music. But so can so many others.
I'm afraid of how real this seems to me. And that when this dream shatters, it'll shatter so bad that I won't be able to build another.
Where are your guts to fly?