Sunday, December 29

Lessons of 2013

Soluble Panadol is disgusting, which I only found out last week due to my needing to gargle with it to kill viral throat or something.

Friends are hard to keep, and it's hard to unthink a thought. Good friends keep kind of just dropping away and it's so easy to lose people, but I find it so damn difficult to make good friends at this point in my life. Memories are hard to unmake, and once mistakes pile up, I find it more and more difficult to forgive. The more twisty a situation gets, the harder it is to untangle. Also, I'm super lazy and apathetic towards socialising outside of a small group of people. Extremely close friend wise, this year hasn't really been all that different from last year. I have made more or less one good friend, and lost more or less one as well. But good social acquaintances with whom I can have a laugh and a good conversation I have gained quite a few more of, and I am quite grateful for that. I'm glad for Enactus, cause it gives me something to do (which reminds me that I should be sending an email out some time soon). I'm glad for work, cause it has kept me nice and distracted from tiring and bad thoughts for a good month and a half.

I continue to remain extremely grateful for friends who can be bothered to message me, who can be bothered to say hi and suggest a catch-up. The ones who text me at uni to meet up, who'll send me amusing pictures of their day. Who ask 'how are you?' with genuine interest and caring feelings and things.

I need to be more sneaky.

Jealousy is useless, but alas, difficult to rid myself of.

Time and absence can make certain things better. Being away and cutting myself out from someone's life in any meaningful manner has made it easier to deal with particular someone when I do encounter them, and let's me be even slightly supportive when they need it! But the right music always manages to bring things back. Music is a very strong memory attracting recall boosting things.

I hate flying.

Good music at a good gig makes me smile ridiculously, and I can finally lay to rest that I will never get that epic performance feeling again. Not like it used to be. Unless I do manage to successfully jump into the speech night orchestra next year. But it's gone as a regular occurrence in my life, which is saddening, but I'll just live through the performers I watch.

People can be extremely cruel and frightening.

There is a high rate of mutual acquaintances.

Love stories that are random and that don't make sense really really annoy me.

Avatar The Last Airbender is an extremely well put together show. On the third rewatch since exams ended, and the sixth (I think) rewatch overall. Soooooooooo good. The ending was amazing, but at the same time, I hate the ending just cause it's an ending and endings are saaaaaad.

And that's it. I didn't learn all that much; to be quite honest, a lot of it was quite pointless struggle. But right now I feel alright, and that's a good thing.

We're breaking and rebuilding and we're growing, always guessing, never knowing. Shocking but we're nothing, we're just moments. We're clever but we're clueless. We're just human. Amusing, but confusing. We're trying, but where is this all leading? We never know.

Sunday, December 15

I am listening to a song I have never liked, and it's been many years since I last heard it and it sounds even worse than I remembered, but omg the feels. I hate this song, the voice, the clunky lyrics, lack of nice melody. But it kind of hurts my heart.

I really hate this guy's voice. 

Sunday, November 24

Home is where... can exit your room many times after having gone to bed to go to the toilet without fear that you're going to be judged by other occupants of the building. 

Friday, November 15

Doom is coming and its name is Enterprise Performance Management

This is the most underprepared I've ever been for an exam. Oh well. Free crepes cause last exam woooo.

In other news I had a very strange dream where I was taking photos of animals, and somehow I got a star-nosed mole's nose stuck in my lens, which was pretty gross, so I yanked that out (it was a tiny orange thing). And then I realise that my entire lens had in fact been covered by a massive nose. Somehow I'd gotten so close to the mole that in adjusting my lens, I had managed to catch it's nose. So I had this massive slimy thing covering my whole lens, though funnily enough I could still see through it, and also oddly I had not been taking pictures of any moles star-nosed or otherwise, and in fact had been stalking some really pretty birds that flew away before I could take a photo.

And then there was a kangaroo on my rooftop.

Before that, I went to the west side for some reason, and got really upset once I got there cause I wanted to go home and the next tram was in half an hour so I was screaming and crying cause I needed to get back into the city to get home cause it was already past five and my mother would get angry at me. So some kindly homeless guy gives me twenty US bucks for a cab out, which wouldn't have helped much anyway, but then I magically got back to 'uni' (it didn't look like uni) and I still had his twenty bucks and felt bad cause I didn't need it after all so I gave it to my random homeless friend (this one was a different homeless guy to the one I'd gotten the money from). Yeah. And something about a shopping centre and not being able to find Julia...and speeches about people...and that's all I can remember.

But yes, my point was I have an exam in four hours and I don't know what's going on. Span of control. Goal congruence. Yeah I got this.

Monday, November 11


Things that I have made progress on during SWOTVAC/exam period:

Plants vs Zombies: Up to level 4-2
Plants vs Zombies 2: Lots of game time
Fullmetal Alchemist: Finished re-reading
Fullmetal Alchemist 2003: Finished watching
Castle: Five episodes
Movies: Iron Man 3

Needless to say business finance went a bit neglected.

Tuesday, October 29


How is it that with my phone on airplane mode, it still knows where it is? I take photos and it knows where I am (with the exception of constantly thinking my house is in Seymour for some bizarre reason). It has accurately pinpointed where I was in the US despite the fact that it was on airplane mode the whole time, and the only time I connected to wifi was when I was back in my hotel. HOW DOES IT KNOW?? IS IT SENDING SOME KIND OF SECRET SIGNAL CAUSE THAT'S SLIGHTLY FRIGHTENING WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE TRACKED BY THE FORCES OF EVIL????

Things to do after exams:
- Make plushies
- Take photos
- Fiddle with photos in Lightroom/Photoshop (figure out basic photo editing)
- Start on sem one repertoire (sigh haven't even finished this semester's recital)
- HTML????

In other news I bought some adorable bird things. And yes, it is surrounded by my studying stuff, and yes, everything except for the actual subject matter is well lit. It's not my fault I have down lights above my desk.

Also bought tickets to see Wicked. Also bought tickets to see John Mayer. Total gig fund this year: over five hundred bucks. Oops.

Thursday, October 24

I hate rain

When it rains, one must avoid snails. 

Rule #1: Don't squish the snails. 

Which can be very mentally taxing. They camaflage, which saves them from birds perhaps, but not from my large feet, so they can be very difficult to spot and when I walk around the block I have to play a constant game of "Is that a shadow a rock or a snail?????" It's very trying. 

Rule #2: Don't let the dog squish any snails. 

Also taxing because I have to try to look at what's in front of the dog and steer her away from any snails in her path which is difficult because when she has her mind set on walking somewhere, she will go there. 

Another game I must play: is that a slug or a leaf?

Also millipedes are heaps creepy. The bottom of my pant legs also get wet. And if I want to look nice, tough luck, rain will screw up your hair. And your clothes (see bottom of pant legs). 

Tuesday, October 15

Don't get that sinking feeling don't fall apart. 

Sunday, October 13

Sunday, Sarah style

I have not practiced piano, I have read a book, I have done part of my assignment due tomorrow, and I have binged on fruit and Pringles. There are 26 days until my first exam. I should start revising this week.

Wednesday, October 9

Now you know

More ballin tomorrow night which should be good. Next year I am dragging everyone along with me and it shall be even better. 

Break was not productive. It was productive in the socialising department. Actually it wasn't even very social. I saw three people basically. Still good. Three awesome people, so very good. I want summer and sun and not freezing wind and rain. Weather today was nice but day off so I didn't actually have any need to go outside. I shall go study now cause my sister has finally left her computer and now I can take over and do my toot work. I'm sleepy though. And that has been an exciting update from Sarah.

Turn down these voices inside my head. Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close. Don't patronise me. Cause I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

And it's been there playing on your mind. Now you know you're wrong.

Sunday, October 6

I am an awkward

Self-consciousness has gotten to the point of ridiculous. Stalking old posts on someone's profile, clicked into status, saw a comment and liked it without thinking. Then panic ensued about people judging me about liking the comment when it was from almost two years ago about a slightly awkward subject matter for me despite comment poster not knowing me. Unliked. Desperately hoping that unliking somehow kills their notification. It won't. I will proceed to feel embarrassed for the rest of the day.

I need to calm down. 

Tuesday, September 17

Do you remember what summer was like?

So casually cruel in the name of being "honest"

Today I:
- Ate lunch by myself. 
- Got a tummy ache.
- Talked to a lot of people on Facebook throughout my PBL lecture. 
- Borrowed physical books from the library. 
- Got my blanket caught in my zip.

Can't go back. I'm haunted.

Sunday, September 15

What I did today

Missed you

Edit at 8:07pm

It was a get halfway through laundry and feel weepy kind of missing. But oh well. 

It never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

I cleaned my room. I'd forgotten that I had left ten bucks in the jacket I took to America (for food when I got back). So I discovered ten bucks. So happy. I also have too much clothing for my cupboard, and only wished I had more. 

I wasn't particularly productive today, but I don't feel too bad. Actually feel semi on top of things. Probably cause my piano lesson is week after next, and not next week. It makes me slack. 

Went shopping for clothing yesterday (not for me unfortunately) which was greatly fun. Counted my friends today. I have about ten. And that's quite enough to be getting on with and I should be content with that. I have good people. 

But yeah. Cannot wait til summer break. So close now. 

Thursday, September 12

Put your heart up close to my ear

I don't want to fall in love with you again. I'm so afraid I'm capable of it. And after time I can't accept you're still the song on my breath. You're not easy to forget.

Say the words that you know I want to hear. Put your heart up close to my ear. We don't need to know the time. We can stay til the day turns to night.

Yay musics. Massive waves of lack of motivation in the past couple of days. Combination of having lots to do, and being half sick, and just general bad mood and tired, and feelings of inadequacy and all the usual happy things. I blame the mid-sem break not actually being halfway through semester. Makes it tiring and draining for all. It also isn't two weeks this semester. Yes, I am miffed that the half of the year that I do actually have uni to go to isn't broken up by even more breaks. 

Despite my melancholy mood, I think I am starting to enjoy uni (finally). It's a gradual shifting of not so much missing high school, and more being happy when I'm actually at uni even when I am by myself, though I am still not entirely used to being alone sometimes. 

I feel like if I'm blogging I should at least try to make it worth the while of whoever is reading. So let me tell you a random There are three conditions that must be met for an agreement to be considered a legally enforceable 'contract'. Both parties must intend for it to be considered as such, it must be executed in deed or consideration from both parties must be given, and there must be an offer and acceptance of the offer i.e. an indication from both parties that they agree to be bound on the stated terms. 

And that is what you can take away from today's blog post. That, and that our best estimate of tomorrow's price of a security is today's price, plus some random error (assuming weak-form market efficiency). 

Wednesday, September 11

I seem to be encountering many twins lately

And I have decided I would be a horrible twin. It would freak me out too much for someone else to have my face. 

Friday, August 30

Update in anticipation for spring

And because it's almost spring, Melbourne just suddenly got warmer. It's nice. I hate the cold. 

I feel good of late. Still nervous about piano (should stop blogging and hop to practicing), but mostly still good. Who knew that things would be so much better with emails to write and people to liaise with? Two balls and retreat to look forward to in next couple of months, and hopefully new people who will be wonderful. I am on a wonderful team. I think of the other positions I applied for, and I am so so glad I ended up in this one. The experience is more varied, the team is amazing, and I get to meet so many more people. And the team is great. We are 3/5 MacRob, which amuses me. I feel lucky. Even though getting in is lucky enough, I feel lucky to have landed in the role I have. I am so glad everything ended up aligning the way it did with my uni and course choices, and going to the US and just happening to be room mates with someone amazing who led me to this. A chain of fortunate events. 

Tuesday, August 13

Despite the fact that I listened to a lot of depressing music in an attempt to depress my head off today, I think it was a good day in a milestone kind of way

Due to one main reason. I got a call from Enactus to ask me in for an interview for the HR position. If all goes well, which I really, really, hope it does, I get to work on something worthwhile, a proper project, work in a proper team with people who will hopefully know me and be pleasing to work with for the first time in almost two years. I want this. I need it. I haven't wanted something this badly in a long time, mostly because I don't fail. I have had everything handed to me on a plate, and anything that I've been rejected for, I either a) don't really care about very much, just did it cause it's worth a shot or b) I know that I don't have much of a chance, and I just did it cause it's worth a shot. Sometimes a combination of the two. The last time I was actually rejected for something I wanted because I screwed up was trying to go on French exchange at the end of year ten. Which actually ended up working out for the better, because I never would have met the people I know had I not gone in year eleven. I know if I don't get this, I'll get another shot. I will continue to spam them with applications. It's just I want this, and I want it now. It'll likely be the cause of a lot of stress because of lack of time/my procrastinating habit and things, but I still want it.

My phone is also being really weird and not wanting to receive certain messages. I keep accidentally ignoring people then thinking they're ignoring me and it turns into this massive loop of WHERE ARE YOU WHY AREN'T YOU REPLYING???

Today was also good because...I am gradually working on putting the different people in my life together, and working on actually being able to interact with other people's friends. Which is again, something I needed, something I still need.

Rehearsal today was also good. I am on a bass clarinet once more, and even though it hurts my shoulders, I'm happy. I'm ridiculously happy to be back on bass. Which reminds me that I need to buy reeds right now. It's a good ensemble, and even though I still walk to the tram stop by myself afterwards, it's fun to play in, the conductor is lovely and the people are also lovely. It's a guaranteed killer of loneliness for two hours. I'm not going to get the old stuff back. In the near future, I am not going to be playing in front of audiences that are anything like the size of the ones I used to play for. But as long as the music is good and the people are fun, that's quite rewarding.

I also have a ball to look forward to. Last week I also talked to people in piano class, and I say hi to them when I see them. Very, very small steps. I'm still listening to a lot of sad music, and feeling ridiculously emotional about it, but that's more emotion than it is lonely. People have gone, and well, I should lay that to rest and stop chasing after head-friends. If they're here, it's good. If they're not, I still have those who've stayed. I'm still scared of a lot of things. Today I was staring at my reflection on the train and realising that I've been selfish and conceited once again, exactly like I was last time. It's unlikely to change in any big way, but it's a good thing to realise.


Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms. Keep me safe from harm in pouring rain. Give me endless summer, Lord, I fear the cold. Feel I'm getting old before my time. As my soul heals the shame, I will grow old through this pain. Lord, I'm doing all I can to be a better man. Go easy on my conscience, cause it's not my fault. I know I've been taught to take the blame. Rest assured my angels will catch my tears. Walk me out of here. I'm in pain. 

There is still anger and guilt and blame that needs to be worked on. That'll all come back again and again and I don't think it'll ever really go away. But right now, at this very moment, I feel alright despite the fact that I'm really tired and I'm not going to be able to sleep with all this wind making lots of noise. I actually feel alright.  

Saturday, August 10

I can feel the storm clouds sucking up my soul

I want someone to look at me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread. We all know how much I like bread. I do miss the constant adoration. We somehow ended up here. We made quite a mess, baby. We're probably better off this way. Had a good night with some friends. Slowly breaking down the hugging uni friends barrier. It still feels a little awkward. I miss belonging. I miss knowing that there would always be someone. I have someones. I miss being important. I feel small. This is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this. We walked past each other like we didn't know each other and that mucked me up, more than it should have. 

Sunshine is followed by the thunder, with thoughts of going under. And is it any wonder why the sea's calling out to me?

I wish I felt like the best thing since sliced bread. 

Feel like I'm losing my mind. Shake it up, let it go, I don't care anymore. Just go numb. 

So blank. I'm hungry. I want that sliced bread I keep talking of. 

Friday, August 9

Recent developments

So I am back at uni and things feel a little more on track, a bit more meaningful than before. I'm rethinking some career paths, which is always good, I have made new friends and there are actually familiar faces around campus. Keeping busy with various volunteering and other things. I don't deal well with pressure and I should. So many shoulds. 

I feel better about music possibly because of a teacher change. And I'm playing some nice stuff. It doesn't stop me from missing my old piano teacher though. A lot of missing of people lately. But new people also come along, and you keep the old that make the effort. 

I can hear the distant barking of dogs and ringing in my ears. Watched some Adventure Time. Was originally going to start teen wolf but that's scary at night. As is Firefly. Murder crime show Castle isn't though. 

She came to tell me
It'll be alright 
All things end
Night turns to light

I looked in my eyes
You're from the past
All things end 
No light will last

Sunday, August 4

And every time she falls apart
She falls right into her shadow's arms

And every time she falls apart 
Only her shadow holds her in the dark

Thursday, July 18

A haiku about food

Toast is delicious
But I feel like potatoes
I guess I'll eat both

And that is exactly what I did. And I am still hungry.

Wednesday, June 12

News update

Burnt my chin on the door of the fire place. 

Edit 8:26pm
And now it looks like I have dirt on my chin. 

Monday, June 3

Fall seven times, stand up eight


Unless I've counted wrong. Or you sat down after you got tired of falling. Or you're counting the initial standing up after you've sat down and then you proceeded to fall down seven times. In which case, carry on. 

I'm sorry if I've offended you by dissing your motivational mantra.

Saturday, May 25

Tonight I shall have a quiet one

This music is melancholy and sad. It doesn't make me think of one person, oddly enough. It brings to mind many.

Econ assignment is largely done, thank god. No more assessments woo. Not that I've had all that many this semester. I should really start studying properly. Shovelled mulch in the morning. That was fun. It actually was.

Wednesday, May 22

Warm Pringles taste nice (or "It's hard to type when eating a pear")

Standing in front of the fire place with my Pringles cannister* (apparently spelled wrong? I can't spell) and I withdraw a Pringle and stick my hands behind my back for a little moment to warm them in front of the fire, and when I eat the Pringle I discover that it is warm. Pleasantly so. So I repeated the process a few times, and after thorough research, I have come to the following conclusion: warm Pringles are lovely. The warmth adds something to the flavour that normal, room-temperature Pringles don't have. However, this study has been limited by sample size, and more extensive research is needed.

As I type, I am also battling to consume a pear which, at the moment, is gripped in my teeth. However, it can't stay there for long because saliva is slowly pooling in my mouth and my jaw grows tired. So I have to remove it using one hand...thus meaning that I can only type with the five fingers of my free hand and the pinky of the one holding the pear. However, after a while my pinky grows tired of poking letters and holding down shift, and I feel like I should continue eating, so I just stop and munch as I stare into the fire which is currently burning my face and legs. So, progress is slow, but tasty.

Yes, I do seem to have a preoccupation with food (oops, pear juice on my keyboard). Didn't eat lunch today cause I spent the whole day snacking. Feijoas are also delicious.

...just looked them up on Wikipedia, and apparently you're not meant to eat them when they're beginning to brown because then they're overmature. Oops. Actually, it's on Simple English Wikipedia. What is that pray tell?

So it's week eleven and I haven't really started studying, largely because I have convinced myself that everything is crammable in the week or so before the exam. Don't need to study stats, cause that exam's after I get back from the US (where I will totes be studying amidst all the mad corporate partiez). At least four days after I get back. So I can cram then. And on the plane. Accounting I usually understand, and management I just cannot be bothered with. I did start my summary notes today! What annoys me is that we haven't actually finished the coursework yet, so I always feel like I can't do this properly until I have all my notes in order for all topics. Piano is the way it always is. Love/hate relationship. Actually, more of a love/meh-why-so-hard relationship. Currently sitting in the meh and feeling extremely tired part right now, though it's come together a little bit in the past week or so. Except the scales. I will never make peace with the scales.

Had a really enjoyable dinner last night at uni. Food was lovely, and some lovely, interesting people were there as well. Although standing out in the cold for over an hour greeting guests wasn't ideal, hey, at least it wasn't raining like Monday! Was crossing the road and BOOM thunder and then it started pouring. So no, at least there was no rain last night. I did feel incredibly young though. Even amongst the students. There were four of us who were second years, and one third year, and pretty much everyone else was post-grad. One or two undergrad, not sure what year though. Felt young and inexperienced, but it was still amazing.

The bro also graduated last week. Got to tote camera around for the night, testing out things. Will need another battery. Will need a few things before I leave, including a reminder that I should stick a password on my laptop and make my phone demand PIN every time I unlock it. I'm looking forward to this, and hoping that I don't get sick right before I leave/during the trip. I do have a tendency to get sick. Hopefully won't though.

Haven't actually downloaded the album yet/ripped it off my brother's computer, so I don't actually know the words cause I haven't listened to it properly. But it just sounds sad and yearning and stuff. I do love a good melody. Sung with robotic voices. The guy off One More Time died as well. He had such a great voice. Full of attitude.

Also saw Into The Woods last Saturday. Agony was hilarious, though all in the all the musical was rather odd.

Hard to see the light now

Edit: 11:49pm


My heart is dying. Whee. Thanks Em.

Edit: 12:18am
*canister. I finally figured it out.

Monday, April 22

Just things, largely music-related

Or thing. We were sitting in piano class today, the twenty or so second years that decided to rock up, and professor asks for a show of hands of who practices on an upright, and it was pretty much everyone. I was one of about, five, six people who had regular access to a grand. I'm lucky and I forget that a lot.

However, I am still unmotivated for piano. Sorry to ruin the moment. My sister is playing a duet that I played with Lydia in year eleven, and it's quite nostalgic because it's probably the best fun I've ever had doing an ensemble. Or maybe, the most successful ensemble I've ever been a part of in terms of what I felt I achieved. I owned it. I've never really felt that with orchestras, bands, usually because I'm the bass line pumping out semibreves or a steady stream of quavers. It was a fun piece. We fiddled around with the intro and were afraid that we'd get disapproved so we never played it the performance way in front of our teacher until the actual SAC just in case it surprised him to the point of banning it.

It's a happy memory. For some reason, that particular music class or group doesn't have anything bitter memories. There's nostalgia certainly, but there's no envy of those who still have it. I wish I could get it back because it was fun, but it's not a horribly achy type of desire. It was fun and it was special and intimate.

I am sleepy now and the fire has just burned down to embers, so it's time to say good night.

Sunday, April 21


That post title just looks like a really badly conjugated French verb.

The point was that I am currently watching a video of Noel singing Where Did It All Go Wrong? acoustically, and it's meant to be quite a sad, hopeless kind of song, but for some inexplicable reason the creator of the video felt the need to type the lyrics in Comic Sans. Why would you do that? What would possess you to do that? Comic Sans is for primary school poster projects.

Google Docs is also annoying cause it kills formatting. Why does it do that. No, I don't want my bullet points indented at ten different distances from the edge of the page.

I have officially (kind of officially once I move some stuff) cut my part of the OB assignment down to around 1300 words. It was originally 1750. I'm pretty happy.

I should throw away the apple core sitting in the glass next to my computer, and wash said glass. It's been a while since I worked this late. Maybe that's what I need to start doing. Working late again. I used to be a lot better at this. I used to consistently get up at six in the morning, and sleep at eleven, and have longer days with rehearsals and tutoring and the whole she-bang, and not feel this tired. I never took naps until I hit uni. But I am quite tired now so I should probably go sleep. Aaaand it's just ticked over to the next day. Good night.

Thursday, April 18



I have procrastinated all morning by setting up Dropbox. However, I did watch a lecture. That I skipped on Tuesday. So no, I haven't done any real work.

Monday, April 15

Things I do when I walk the dog

- tell her that kicking dirt in an attempt to cover up her business won't work
- clear my throat to let the magpies know I'm close so that they run away and my dog won't chase them that way

I also walk.

Today I saw some guy at uni who had birds on his pants. The other day I saw some dude in a suit on the train. He had cars on his socks.

Monday, April 8

Update on life

My phone cable is broken. I can't charge my phone. This could prove to be problematic and sad.

Friday, April 5

Australians have the best passports

Not that I've really had any other type of passport to compare with. But we have kangaroos and wombats and some kind of dragon thing I don't know the name of and people playing cricket and surfboards all in the one document. And I'm pretty sure one of these strange dangly flower things is Sturt's Desert Pea. That is all I learnt from grade five geography. 

Yeah, I got a new passport. It's all shiny and reflective and holographic and new, ready to be stamped into oblivion. My face look inquisitive and frightening. The colour is now a lovely dark navy green black iunno colour instead of just dark blue. It's also funny-smelling. Smells...official. I also get very excited by the fact that everything is written in English and French. I'm actually quite stoked. I like travelling, when I don't feel stupidly tired and am not recovering from chest infections and whatnot, and despite the fact that my blooming social life will take a hit due to me being gone for most of the winter break. But it also means I miss out on a good month of cold weather. Although that in turn means that I miss out on a month of sheltering from such cold weather by roasting myself in front of the fire. 

The last couple of months have been eventful. It has been a strangely happy but unhappy couple of months. Mostly the happy is made all the happier because it disproves the unhappies. I also have a new camera coming in the mail (hopefully), which is just as well cause our little point and shooter which I dropped on New Years has finally decided that it's had enough of my shenanigans. I have kind of studied during the past week, but not really. I studied very hard for one and a half days. I have been on a study break since approximately 4pm on Saturday afternoon, at which point I decided to watch Castle, and I haven't quite gotten back into the motivated studying mindset again. Although doing some study has kind of shown me that I need not worry about it so much cause once I take time out to actually look at stuff, I usually get it. The difficulty is the making myself take the time out to look at stuff when I would much rather just sit and roast in front of the fire. 

We had a picnic on Monday, and that was nice despite the strange weather. I learnt how to make sushi, and although it doesn't taste quite like the ones from the shop, it'll do. It will also save me money because all the vast amounts of learning I do at uni makes me hungry. Also went back to chorals last week, and it was nice to have dinner and sit in the audience. I found that I still miss it very much, but it doesn't hurt quite like it used to, though that will probably come and go. I had a good day yesterday too, and had lunch with some nice people, then chilled at RMIT. It was relaxing, and not anxious-making, which was good. Phone calls about nothing in particular are also good. I also had a haircut, and now I look slightly more like Beckett. I have also recently acquired a lovely long black coat in which I can brood, and it works especially well in the rain.
You’re loved. Your friends are proving it to you all the time in small, cool ways that are not hard for them. They’ve been where you’ve been. They would not offer these things if they didn’t want to do them. Stop looking for evidence that you’re unworthy of this, and stop questioning these acts of kindness. Maybe your little turd-heart doesn’t deserve this love. Tough shit. You’re loved anyway. Deal with it. Let your friends feed you, and when you can in whatever way you can, feed them back.
So said Captain Awkward.

Pooh knows my feels. I don't feel quite here, but it'll pass. I'm not a big fan of tea and honey, but hugs or a voice down the line usually helps. Just something real and concrete. Uni is getting better, I think. I have friends I speak to in my classes, I have new friends I actually meet up with in breaks, and outside of uni. It's become less lonely, and more of something that I can think of as mine I guess. I don't deal well with change and transition, but I'm starting to deal better with this. Though I still try to login to uni computers with my high school username. Four years have ingrained the habit in me of typing hua0019. Thing is, I used high school computers a lot more than I do uni ones, so my fingers just go. It's kind of amusingly nostalgic. The weather's also changing, The cold's coming back (though apparently the heat will also return soon), and it makes me remember things from the same time last year. 

I should go practice my scales and learn my piece, but I feel like doing nothing. It's quite horrible. I should probably also study for that mid-semester test I have, and do that tute work that I need done before Monday. Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Justin Timberlake also released music and it's wonderful. His voice. And the boy band dancing. And the...Timberland production...which hasn't changed since the first album. The video is also very creepy, but his hair and coat are very cool. If he has a gig, I wish to be there. 
Show me how to fight the now and I'll you baby it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out: you were right here all along.

Wednesday, February 20

Of happy.

Because it's been a while since I've felt this lucky.

Because I get to see people tomorrow.

Because I get random phone calls out of the blue, because I have people calling me when I'm feeling blue.

Because I currently have flowers hanging from a coat hanger so that they can dry out and I can stash them with other dryer out flowers.

Because it's been two years, and it's fallen strangely into place, and for the first time in over a year, I managed to talk to you without pretence.

Or it could just be pre-exam euphoria.

Either way.

We'll fight the dying of the light and we'll catch the sun

Saturday, February 9



Tuesday, February 5

For all the agony, I'd rather know

Saw people yesterday. Was good. Lunched, presents were handed out, much laughter and mirth, AND I BOUGHT MY LEATHER JACKET AND WAS VERY HAPPY. It's so beautifully red. And smooth and soft. And cheap. Then froyo was had and it was wonderful watching Alice pop those popping things.

Orientation Host training today was interesting. Tips they gave us - don't be a jerk, try to know what you're doing, and don't be awkward. I've got this in the bag. Found a nice place to eat delicious sushi, which apparently everyone knows about but not me because I do not socialise at uni therefore I know not of places to eat.

Public transport was horrendous. Took me three quarters of an hour to get out to the city where it usually takes half, and we kept stopping and starting, and it was stupid and kinda nauseous. Same thing happened on the way back home. And then there was traffic when Mum came to pick us up. Was wonderful.

Don't walk away. See I just can't find the right thing to say. I tried but all my pain gets in the way. Tell me what I have to do so you'll stay. Should I get down on my knees and pray? How can I stop losing you? How can I begin to say? When there's nothing left to do, don't walk away. 

Thursday, January 31

Of mid-sems, friends and the end of the month

Things that have happened recently:
- have been crippled, though will hopefully be able to hobble by tomorrow
- it started raining and it's now actually quite cold. Hi summer.
- I still haven't started practicing piano
- had a mid-sem, in which I corrected two answers I think I got wrong initially, so that's good yes?
- saw Mahi following the mid-sem, ordered vegetable lasagne for lunch and then re-realised how much I don't like vegetable lasagne.
- saw alumni and current high school kids at uni. Need to arrange more meetings with more people I have neglected. I am bad at organising time and keeping track of people.
- people came back from their trips.

And that is one twelfth of 2013 gone. And it's my birthday in four weeks, and that'll be another year gone.

Everything that happens from now on, this is pouring rain. This is paralyzed. I keep throwing it down two hundred at a time. It's hard to find it when you knew it. When your money's gone and you're drunk as hell. I've been twisting to the sun. I needed to replace the fountain in the front yard is rusted out. All my love was down in a frozen ground.

Monday, January 14

Of boredom and lack of motivation

I am bored. Bored. Bored, bored, bored, as Sherlock would say. I really shouldn't be. I should be studying, I should be getting back into a solid practice routine for piano (which I have been putting off for the past two months), but instead I play AOE, discover that it's rather difficult without a proper mouse, and tap away on the laptop writing blog posts cause I have nothing better to do but to talk to people, which seems to be a waste of resources and time should it be the only activity I undertake when I have my computer on. So. Here I am. Talking about how bored I am. Talking to people is also less rewarding than it usually is cause people are not around to talk to. So in factuality, I am really only properly talking to one person.

Have not done much of excitement lately, except start summer semester, and get mistaken for being of Thai origin by an international student in my tute. I should start reading again. I seem to have lost motivation to read anything. Or write anything of consequence.

Nothing exciting happening lately. Went to dinner at Berth on Saturday night. Was nice. Waiting for various friends to come back from various places. My computer is sick.

Monday, January 7

Of cleaning out the computer

I get the feeling I have made posts of cleaning out the computer before, but oh well. It does happen a lot. Stuff I found:

- A lot of videos of my dog. Snoring. Sleeping. Sleeping under piles of stuff I've chucked under her. Looking pathetic.
- Videos from the Taylor Swift gig. Long Live looks amazing.
- Finally found that list of past exam papers I did for maths in year twelve. Totaled to fifteen for methods and twelve for spesh. In my defence, I did complete massive pile of random worksheets.
- The Shosta score from Ballarat.

I should start practicing piano again. Once again I'm at the point where I have no idea how to start learning a piece. Too many...notes.

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while. Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, are you gonna drop the bomb or not? Let us die young, or let us live forever, we don't have the power so we never say never. Sitting in a sand pit, life is a short trip, the music's for the sad man. Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever? May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows. But we ain't even thinking that far. Fear not when, fear not why, fear not much while we're alive. 
The kid looks like John Legend.

(Cue seamless transition into JL video)

Where do we go? Who knows? But each day gets better, I just can't let her go. Each kiss gets sweeter, I just can't leave her no. I'll write a song. I've thought about it for far too long, but I never had someone to sing about until I met her, now each day gets better. 
I still can't quite figure out why he looks asian. It don't make no sense. And man, the way he plays piano. So much...tinkly.

IFA starts on Wednesday. Sigh. Why does one subject in six weeks seem so much more daunting than six in twelve?  

I'm learning to let stuff go. I was hanging on to something from the past that didn't quite exist anymore, and I didn't realise. It was long gone before I even started fighting for it. Right now I'm just waiting for those who I do have to physically come back to me. Cause everyone's overseas zzzzzzzz.

Thursday, January 3

I have random bruises on my legs

Three to be exact. And I don't know how they got there. There's one halfway up my thigh. How did it even get there? Did I run into a stick or something?

Has yum cha today, gave birthday presents to people, received Christmas presents. Ran around MC frantically buying aforementioned birthday presents beforehand with Alice, ran into Zoe, Zoe tagged along. Drank free tea from T2. Chilled at indoor garden with weird fake grass. Took off centre Polaroid picture. Ate fortune cookies made by some magic toad/frog. Was good. Apparently I say "the thing is" a lot. Back in year nine, my most common phrase used to be "shut up". Oh, how I have improved.

Tuesday, January 1

I haven't done a long ramble in a long time, so here have a long end of year ramble that shall take several days to craft

And now I have no idea what to say. Um. Well. This year has been full of changes and stuff. Zomg my mother just reminded me that we're seeing Hobbit tomorrow night woooooooooo. So much excites. Will probably see it twice actually, possibly three times if I feel like being that stupid. Les Mis and Wreck-It Ralph must also be seen.