GOOD ONE SARAH

I thought our academic transcripts were free and that uni would just send them out to us. That's only for students who finish their courses this semester. So I have to pay fifteen bucks and submit a form, which I should've done ages ago apparently cause now everyone's gonna be doing it and it's gonna take ages to get back to me. I'm good at this uni business.

8th July
11:21am

Ceebs academic transcript. I'll just give accounting firms my ATAR. It looks a lot more impressive than my uni scores anyway. And will be fifteen bucks cheaper.

Happy *happy vibes*

Must message Alexis. Shall do.

Happy. Happy.

 

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time. But I can't stop loving you with half of my heart. Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, half of my heart's got you.

Guitar in this is nicer than the original. Mmmmmm. Pretty.

Ridiculously happy. I should calm down and not have so many crazy mood swings.

This is also very nice. 

There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me. 

Not so scared anymore. You got my back. 

10:47pm

Sigh sigh. Tu me manques. I do dislike breaks. But Cat is back tomorrow. Happy. Alice isn't back for another..two weeks. Brother a week and a half. Flub blergh. But lunch with cool people on Wednesday. Though we have yet to decide where to go. Then you leave on Sunday again. Sigh sigh. I miss holding your hand in French. I miss holding you. Dearie me. We're never going to have those days again. Mm. I think I just realised that. Never going to end up in the same institution again. Same goes for a lot of other people. I wonder who I'll know in ten years.

Okay. Enough blogging on my phone. Hrm. Sleepy. Sleep cycle well and truly screwed right now. Sigh.

With me, it's all, or nothing

I think it's this middle ground, being around but not being a part of things which is the issue.

I don't want to hear "move on". I know I need to. But I can't manage it at the moment. I want to hear someone just say, it's alright, it'll get better with time. I'll move on eventually. But at the moment, I just can't move.

Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell that to the man who cannot shine. Some might say that we should never ponder all our thoughts today, cause they will change over time.

Stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again.

My heart feels scattered.

See once in a while when it’s good, it’ll feel like it should. When they’re all still around and you’re still safe and sound and you don’t miss a thing til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark. Singing stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed it’s moving in.

Or walking away in the dark, as the case may be, catching a train in the dark. It's alright. You're still around. But yeah. Lack of people. God my head hurts.

I feel better now.

22nd April, 9:14pm

Watched The Voice. Wondered what Seal sang other than Kiss From A Rose and Fly Like An Eagle. Found this. I really like his smile. It's adorable. Oh, and his voice is pretty good too. He.

23rd April, 8:50am (why don't I just start another post...)

We were older then. 

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part.  

10:48pm

If I had a gun I'd shoot a hole into the sun and love would burn this city down for you. And if I has the time, I'd stopped the world and make you mine. Excuse me if I spoke too soon. My eyes have always followed you around the room, cause you're the only god that I have ever seen, I'm holding on and waiting for the moment for my heart to be unbroken by the seams.

24th April, 8:24am

You know I'd stay, but I just can't stand it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind.  So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway. Half the world away. I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down. No I don't feel down. 

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should. But I know the heart of life is good. You know it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. The circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

I just spent two and a half hours emailing people

Thirty-one law firms and one music director, to be precise. Let's hope I get some sort of return on this. I may continue later. I've already been rejected once. Must steel myself for more rejection.

On a side note, law firms have the longest and most confusing names...I came across one which was someone and someone with something and something lawyers. Or something like that. Mmm.

12:19pm

I must say, they are very prompt. That's another four rejections. Then again, who wants someone who has no work experience and isn't even doing law for the next three years...

I JUST WANT A JOB. Shall apply for other things once I get thirty-one rejections.

12:21pm

And the job doesn't end there...I have to thank them every time I get a rejection e-mail. So that's thirty-one rejection replies. And I feel as though I'm uncreative cause every single reply is the same. Must spice it up somehow...

2:26pm

7/31...

Although one of them was kind enough to tell me to seek him after three years of studying law. Which is in another six years. Cool.

5:42pm

Sudden realisation came to me while I was daydreaming that my future boyfriend will definitely not look like a manga character. I think I only just realised that. Yep.

*cries in a corner*

6:41pm

...turns out I've been playing an A flat instead of an A natural in a piece which I stated learning at the end of year seven...oops. Three different teachers, and we never picked up on it in six years...

But the A flat does sound nicer. Probably cause I'm used to it now.

9:01pm

I feel like lying around and listening to heartbreaking music. And I'm not even heartbroken. Maybe I should do productive things instead. Such as watch asian drama. Yep. Producing stuff.

This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on. No one's gonna come and save us, we've set off too many false alarms. And you know that we're doomed, my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

I actually wanna quote the whole song. My heart's breaking just sitting here listening to him sing. DON'T BE SO SAD JOHN MAYER.

In the end it's right

I've probably said this fifty billion times already, but can you imagine if I had graduated with them? If my valedictory had been on Monday, my last day of classes yesterday and my muck up day today. If I hadn't been...well, here. Mr Bump not sitting on the couch outside, not planning to buy ribbon to trim my dress with, not rushing up to the music department to cram in as many rehearsals as humanly possible. No daily meetings at Flinders, no being Music Captain, no Anton. None of the fifty billion brilliant people I've met. No trip to France.

Slightly weird. 

My sister told me that they sang Time Of Your Life (or whatever it's called) at the assembly/concert thing today. I remember a kid singing it at year 7 camp. In my head, it's a bit of a...loop. Connection. Thing. Don't know what I'm saying anymore. Just glad I'm here.

Darling we're slow dancing in a burning room. 

I need to listen to it closer. Haven't quite figured out what's happening in that song.

It's not the storm before the calm.  

Waking up

Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? The giving up is the hardest part. All at once, you have to say goodbye. Wondering could you stay in my life? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't. Cause she's gone. Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? Would you get them if I did? No you won't. Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone. 

Gone.