Sunday, June 12

I feel spontaneously deep and meaningful

I'm not too sure what I'm wanting to say here. Just a lot of thoughts whirling around my brain.

Sometimes the love I have for my friends hits me very hard. I'll admit it: I MSN status stalk people. Yes, I've gotten internet stalking down to Windows Live, because people tend to post MSN things rather than Facebook statuses. I can understand that, seeing as I do that myself. Easier, and I'm not particular about MSN PMs not making grammatical sense. However, Facebook statuses must make sense and relate back to the noun which is my name.

But yeah. So I Windows Live stalk people. And it's a little strange. There are people who I'm content to sit back and wait for. Wait for them to bring things up, instead of me chasing after them. But there are others who I just wish and want so badly to know what they're thinking. Because I'm not sure I've done enough. Even though they've never doubted me, I feel like I haven't done enough.

I've sort of lost the words now. I used to be able to comfort, and to be optimistic. Now I feel cheap and patronising when I do it. Because I keep on repeating myself. And because, sometimes, I don't believe it either. I know it. I know that I've got it good and that things will pass. But knowing and believing are two different things. And some things just cannot be helped. They just need time, as stupid as that may sound. For me, anyway. Time to just sit back and let the shock and disappointment gradually fade away.

I'm typing with the bass clarinet thing in mind. The reason why I was so upset was probably because of the shock. In all honesty, I was expecting to go up to Ballarat and play clarinet. I guess not doing that shocked me as much as if I had been rejected and not been able to go at all. It wasn't that disappointing, I think I just didn't expect it. Now I'm fine with it, cause I get to go up and frolic with my friends for a day. Actually, thinking of it, I'm actually looking rather forward to it. Or is that rather looking forward to it?

Sometimes I think of how socially awkward I am. It has improved since I changed schools, but sometimes talking to certain people will make me realise how un-outgoing I really am. There are some people who I wish I could be close to and comfortable around, but it just doesn't work.

But then there are also pleasant surprises of realising that you are...unique (?) to someone. I got Facebook invited to a friend's birthday party, out of about twenty-ish people. I was rather surprised, but it also made me very happy. Because I enjoy her company, and she makes me happy. I respect her a lot, and even though we've never had a deep and meaningful in our lives (which is usually what makes a close friend for me), I realised that she's one of the people I will actually make an effort to keep in contact with after we graduate. And I'm comfortable around her, and conversation is so easy.

So yeah, just so you know (or don't know, as the case may be if you never read this), you make me happy Zoe.

What else in this long ramble of nothing?

My brother has three exams in three days. Good luck.

I miss doing music so badly. There was just something about doing music as a subject. Something about the atmosphere, environment, call it what you will, that made me so happy, even if it stressed me out a fair bit. There were only five of us, so that probably contributed to the happiness. We were close. We had fun, and we got to talk and enjoy each other's company. I just really miss it.

This long rambly thing will probably be taken down before Tuesday (if I remember), because it's really long and rambly. So read it while you can. Although, it could just be this last bit which is taken down, thus rendering this last bit untrue.

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