Welcome to under the cut, because this is a quite long post.
Have been watching 25th anniversary edition of Les Mis. It has Nick Jonas in it. Wut. Also, spoiler: EVERYONE DIES. And I'm only halfway through the second act. AND EVERYONE'S DEAD ALREADY. Typical. Also went to crazy lotus garden thing in Warburton on boxing day, which was wonderful.
But yes. Back to changes and reflections and stuff. End of year essays are always fun. I should get back to writing properly. BUT YES. THIS HAS BEEN 2012:
A year ago, ATARs were out, my preferences were set, and I knew what I wanted to do, largely (at least, I was no longer crying over the fact that I missed out on a scholarship by 0.05). I'd put down Commerce, Music, and I thought that Bec would be going to Melbourne with me and that I'd have a commerce buddy. But that didn't end up happening, thus banishing me to the realms of commerce at Melbourne all on my lonesome cause hey, everyone else does science. But that was alright. At that point, it was alright, because we hadn't moved yet, it was just another summer holiday just like any other, just like the one after year nine or ten. We hadn't left yet. There were no changes yet. We still went out on picnics, we had lunch for Alice's birthday, and then came my birthday, and I felt so incredibly loved. I went back to Mac.Rob to crash a rehearsal, and I missed it and there was an ache in my heart even then when I sat on the table with Mabel, scribbling in our year books and watching some left-handed conducting that I had gotten so used to (it still looks a little weird to me when people conduct with their right hands). And it was alright, because people sang happy birthday, and I got a present, and a card which made me smile ridiculously.
And then chorals rolled around, and I wasn't up there. I wasn't in my red dress, with my scores that I had stayed up past midnight arranging, that I had tweaked in all my frees. I didn't have a baton tucked away, no tuning up in the cold outside the theatre. I was in the audience, up the back, no different from anyone else in that crowd. A bit of a painful night.
I had my typical laziness and zomg I can't even play piano period. Despite the fact that I seem to go through them every time I learn new repertoire, it always seems to come as a surprise. Things were new, and I had gone from weekly forty-five minute lessons and other various forms of support to one teacher and half an hour every week.
Musical came and went, and once again, I was just another face in the crowd. I wanted that feeling back, and I scrambled for it in quite an undignified manner. And I got it. Just for a few hours, when I sat down in a restaurant and laughed at white kids using chopsticks, I had it. And then it was time to get off the tram, and watch everyone walk away in the dark without ceremony. Just another day for them. Me, I just stood on the sidewalk zoning out, wishing more than anything that I could be walking with them and not away from them. We sat in the balcony that night, and it hurt. But then someone told me that they missed me, that sometimes they just went "ah, Sarah and Cat are missing", and it made it better. Knowing I was missed made it better.
First batch of exams appeared, and I learnt that it's alright if you're failing practice exams at the start of SWOTVAC. I got mega freeze glared by my piano examiner when I played a diminished seventh starting on the wrong note, but other than that, uneventful. Me and Lachie began our tradition of having consecutive piano exams. Well, it's probably a tradition. It's up to the timetablers really. Though it does seem that we do follow each other on the list thing.
Five week break, and I finally got to see people who I liked. Jess came back, Alexis came back, and, what with him being French and all, we had crepes, and our cheeks and sides hurt from laughing so much. I'm really glad I met you, and glad that you gave me a hand to hold.
Then June came along, along with a lot of confusion and questions and self-doubt, and I managed to find someone. The other half of the Taylor Swift songs which weren't about break-ups started to make sense. That day is still burned into my brain, and I remember freaking out all over my friends when we went to karaoke and Gavin's dad's restaurant that night. Various preview programs were attended, and they were very very tiring because my body seems to object to that amount of smiling and seeming pleasantly engaged for eight hours.
Things improved in semester two - I had people who I could actually talk to in my tutes, French with Danny, and people were actually friendly. Piano got better, because a) I wasn't playing every single scale/arpeggio known to man and b) I had two pieces to play instead of one, and neither of them was as dry as what I had in semester one. Which reminds me that I should start practicing every single scale known to man again.
Winter Concert was slightly alright. Another face in the audience, but this time it was alright, possibly because I didn't play that big a role in last year's concert either. Though I may or may not have had my heart ripped out when singers and chamber came on:
Who'd have thought tomorrow would be here before today? In a world that's so fast, will it take me away? The good times and the sorrow, I will leave with you today. As I journey beyond, I will look back and say. I will ride where my heart and my spirit decide, and I will not hide inside. Remember all the times we had when we could fly. And I wish that you'd come with me, for a day or even two. With your smiles and your jokes, and the crazy things you do. All the memories I'll take with me. But until I come back I will leave this with you. I will ride where my heart and my spirit decide, and I will not hide inside.Seemed immensely relevant. Some lines are missing cause I can't hear what they're singing on the recording. But I had Cat to lean on, quite literally. My safety blanket who has put up with two bouts of winter concert freak outs and break downs, and everything in between. I'm really glad I met you. I didn't mind that I hadn't had dinner with the normal crew, cause I had other people that night, and it made it alright. Got lost because my navigational skills suck, but eventually ended up at Canada with people I quite like.
We volunteered for Daffodil Day, and then had dinner, and I remembered how fun it was to run around the city at night with my friends. And Lucky Stiff came, and we had pancakes, and Mahi came to uni, and we had dinner and it was nice to be with people, people who came out of their way to visit when I'd made no effort to visit myself. I'm really glad I met you. Another preview program came, and I actually made some friends who I talk to this time. And it's funny that wherever you go, there always seems to be ex-Mac.Robs floating around.
Exams came again (I'm kind of sick of this cycle already, and there's still five more years to go), and I got sick, but still went to Coldplay, and did not as well as I had hoped. But oh well. It's done. I'll just have to full mark everything else and drag my average back up to something amazing. After final exam, had some lovely lunch with some lovely people, then caught the train home with the person. Had spent a month worrying and doubting and questioning, but then it was alright. Did better on piano than last semester, which was a plus.
And it's just been a lot of sitting around at home watching Castle since then. Picnics, lunches, people leaving for overseas. This year I've learnt that there are far less people that I can actually rely on than I had initially thought. It's not that I'm lacking love - I've got a lot of it. But people who you can spend time with beyond the circumstance in which you met, that's special. Maybe I haven't put enough effort into it. Maybe it's just who we are, that we can't connect beyond that circumstance. Either way, there are few people who initiate conversation, who say that they want to hang out. Maybe because when we met, it wasn't at school, but at an airport, spending time in a hotel, walking around shopping centres in a foreign country by ourselves and drinking Orangina to celebrate Australian new year, sitting around being embarrassed by our lack of physical skill in sport class. I'm glad I met you too. Those special few from my ten who come and say, I miss you, I haven't seen you in a while, are you free on Friday? I appreciate that. Those I've known since we got yelled at for being late to dinner at camp in year nine. I'm glad I met you.
I'm grateful for the people who are still around, those few who do ask when I'm free, those who don't brush me off when I ask them when they're free. I'm grateful for my friends who tell me that I'm missed. I'm grateful for how are yous, morning walks to uni, sitting on south lawn, train rides home together, and long conversations of word associations. Mock medical exams, calls and messages at two in the morning. Naming ice cream, buying cloth, froyo dates, and dreadful puns about snow. Some kid who randomly popped into my life when I least expected it, has stayed, has held and steadied me, and has given me a hand to hold. And you know what? I'm really glad I met you.
This year has been weird. My reaction to the change has probably been unjustified. I mean, I've stayed in my home town, gotten a scholarship, good marks, have a wonderful and supportive family. A lot of people don't have that. But it has been hard, because I've lost some things that I'd never believed that I would lose, people who I had connected with so deeply that I couldn't really imagine a day when that would no longer happen.
Well, your mind is a mess, so is mine. I can't sleep cause it hurts when I think, my thoughts aren't at peace with the plans that we make, chances we take, they're not yours and not mine. There's waves that can break all the words that we say, and the words that we mean. Words can fall short, can't see the unseen cause the world is awake, for somebody's sake now, please close your eyes woman, please get some sleep. And know that if I knew all of the answers I would not hold them from you, know all the things that I'd know. We told each other there is no other way. Well too much silence can be misleading. You're drifting. I can hear it in the way that you're breathing. We don't really need to find reason, cause out the same door that it came, well, it's leaving. It's leaving. Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season. Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves. But at least we can sleep, it's all that we need. When we wake we will find our minds will be free to go to sleep.
Almost a year ago, I lost someone who was important to me, and I don't know if I told her enough how much of a difference she made to my life. I'm really glad that she got to be a part of my life, that I was lucky enough to have met her. It hurt to lose her. And it does still hurt, on some days, when I get to thinking of a little tidy house in Ashburton and music in that room that echoed.
Despite my negative thoughts, change isn't always bad. It's growth, it's new opportunities and new experiences. I have had fun. I've had opportunities to meet people who are really inspiring, and who have a lot of worthwhile advice to give about life. I have wonderful people around me. And I do appreciate it. I truly do, though sometimes it may not seem like it when I'm complaining about what's "bad" in my life. Distance has made me appreciate some people even more, and I've grown closer to them because of it. Sure, it's not exactly fun to only be able to see people for a few hours every couple of months, but it has made me appreciate those few hours more.
I remember the start of the year felt right. It felt wonderful, and I was ready. It's happened before, the expectation and high hopes for a new year that come crashing down. But it hasn't quite come back this summer. A lot of the thoughts and fears I had throughout this year haven't gone away. But I'm glad that things are the way they are now, even if some things changed and faded. Made me realise who was truly important, and who will actually be at my side to defend my silver lining at the end of the day.
I say sorry a lot, as anyone who has read/listened to me freak out unstoppably all over them would know. But this year, a friend of mine has taught me that maybe it shouldn't be sorry for making you put up with me which is important, but thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for staying, thank you for loving me, and for letting me love you back in my own way. I know I am lucky, I know I am blessed, but sometimes, it is difficult to believe in, even if I know it. So thank you for not dismissing me, for never saying that I had no right to be hurting. I hope I've given back some of what you've given me. I hope I've made you proud, and I hope that you want me here too, as much as I want you to be by my side.
There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard. No song that I could sing but I could try for your heart. These dreams, they are made out of real things, like a shoe box of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions on my heart, like "why are we here?" and "where do we go?" and "how come it's so hard?" It's not always easy cause sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.
So yeah. Thank you. And yes, I do realise that a lot of those who matter don't read this. And no, I have no idea what the purpose of this post is.
But all the same, I am really glad I met you.