Tuesday, August 13

Despite the fact that I listened to a lot of depressing music in an attempt to depress my head off today, I think it was a good day in a milestone kind of way

Due to one main reason. I got a call from Enactus to ask me in for an interview for the HR position. If all goes well, which I really, really, hope it does, I get to work on something worthwhile, a proper project, work in a proper team with people who will hopefully know me and be pleasing to work with for the first time in almost two years. I want this. I need it. I haven't wanted something this badly in a long time, mostly because I don't fail. I have had everything handed to me on a plate, and anything that I've been rejected for, I either a) don't really care about very much, just did it cause it's worth a shot or b) I know that I don't have much of a chance, and I just did it cause it's worth a shot. Sometimes a combination of the two. The last time I was actually rejected for something I wanted because I screwed up was trying to go on French exchange at the end of year ten. Which actually ended up working out for the better, because I never would have met the people I know had I not gone in year eleven. I know if I don't get this, I'll get another shot. I will continue to spam them with applications. It's just I want this, and I want it now. It'll likely be the cause of a lot of stress because of lack of time/my procrastinating habit and things, but I still want it.

My phone is also being really weird and not wanting to receive certain messages. I keep accidentally ignoring people then thinking they're ignoring me and it turns into this massive loop of WHERE ARE YOU WHY AREN'T YOU REPLYING???

Today was also good because...I am gradually working on putting the different people in my life together, and working on actually being able to interact with other people's friends. Which is again, something I needed, something I still need.

Rehearsal today was also good. I am on a bass clarinet once more, and even though it hurts my shoulders, I'm happy. I'm ridiculously happy to be back on bass. Which reminds me that I need to buy reeds right now. It's a good ensemble, and even though I still walk to the tram stop by myself afterwards, it's fun to play in, the conductor is lovely and the people are also lovely. It's a guaranteed killer of loneliness for two hours. I'm not going to get the old stuff back. In the near future, I am not going to be playing in front of audiences that are anything like the size of the ones I used to play for. But as long as the music is good and the people are fun, that's quite rewarding.

I also have a ball to look forward to. Last week I also talked to people in piano class, and I say hi to them when I see them. Very, very small steps. I'm still listening to a lot of sad music, and feeling ridiculously emotional about it, but that's more emotion than it is lonely. People have gone, and well, I should lay that to rest and stop chasing after head-friends. If they're here, it's good. If they're not, I still have those who've stayed. I'm still scared of a lot of things. Today I was staring at my reflection on the train and realising that I've been selfish and conceited once again, exactly like I was last time. It's unlikely to change in any big way, but it's a good thing to realise.


Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms. Keep me safe from harm in pouring rain. Give me endless summer, Lord, I fear the cold. Feel I'm getting old before my time. As my soul heals the shame, I will grow old through this pain. Lord, I'm doing all I can to be a better man. Go easy on my conscience, cause it's not my fault. I know I've been taught to take the blame. Rest assured my angels will catch my tears. Walk me out of here. I'm in pain. 

There is still anger and guilt and blame that needs to be worked on. That'll all come back again and again and I don't think it'll ever really go away. But right now, at this very moment, I feel alright despite the fact that I'm really tired and I'm not going to be able to sleep with all this wind making lots of noise. I actually feel alright.  

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