Sometimes these things are way too real

Being on Blogger may not be good for what I am about to blog about. But I want to get this down before I...forget the feeling.

It's just something, a little dream of mine, that's been growing on my mind for quite some time. I want to make music my life, as someone once said to me, and become a professional musician. In my mind, that means performer. But it's hard, it's a difficult industry to get into, all these reasons not to do it. And being who I am, I also want to be filthy rich, and I don't know how well performing would pay. Yes, it's a deciding factor for me. "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari."

Well, not a deciding factor. But a contributing one at the very least.

But apart from all that, I'm afraid of my lack of commitment, skill and dedication. And conviction too I guess. I want to be sure of the path. I don't want to have done it for six or seven years, then suddenly decide or feel that it's not right for me. I'm afraid to lose my enthusiasm. I miss it, I miss playing piano and practising. But what happens when I don't?  What happens when I don't enjoy it anymore?

The problem is that I can see this so much clearer than I can see anything else. I've got these images in my head or being in a hall with an orchestra, recording or something. It's so much more real than any dreams I've got of being a lawyer or whatever. Probably because I've felt it and experienced it before.

But it's hard to get too. My lack of dedication is sorta showing in the fact that I'm blogging about this instead of doing homework to get the 99.95 I want so that I can get a scholarship to get money to do crazy things about this musical dream.

I wonder where other people decided, "this is it for me"? When they decided to commit their life to it. Was there ever a decision? Or did they already have it planned since childhood? I'm also afraid of that. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not a child prodigy. I'm good, yes. I can make good music. I can make special music. But so can so many others.

I'm afraid of how real this seems to me. And that when this dream shatters, it'll shatter so bad that I won't be able to build another.

Where are your guts to fly?

Procrastination and aiming high don't really go well together

I haven't done any work since I got home...well, I've added about 150 words to my French general convo since my return at about 4:30. Yeah. After dinner I read a little bit. And now I find myself here. I was all like, "yeah, I'm going to do this English essay now instead of leaving it until Friday night/Saturday morning to complete for my tutor Saturday afternoon", but I left my English stuff at home*. Well done Sarah.

So I'll write some spec notes instead. But it feels so much less fulfilling...

She was a reader, a dreamer; she lived to embody; He was logic and truth and practicality.
She was too big for his heart, too big.
Too big...

*Edit at 5:57pm on the 22nd July 2011
I meant school.

I was going to write a teenage angst post (or well, it was actually bordering between angst and nothingness) about an hour ago, but then backed away from the computer and played some clarinet instead. And then I did some French after that. For some strange reason, I just forgot that I had done the French, and thought I'd wiled away 28 minutes doing nothing in particular on the internet. I say nothing in particular cause I didn't even go on Facebook. Yay for restraint.

So I think that was pretty productive. That being said, I am on blogger...going to do some spesh now.

And Harry Potter music is quite nice. Hhsfidfajfksjf I have Lord of the Rings craving. And I also want to watch the Godfather. And Up. And a whole bunch of other things.

Rainbows

I saw two rainbows today. 

Yes two. Are you jealous? One on top of the other. It was rather swell.

Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me. 

Ways to procrastinate

Read through and sort email inbox.

I'm avoiding work

So much French and other random stuff to do.

Set me free. Leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go. Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Can't embed video. So here is a nice live version, and here is the official video, albeit in dodgy quality.

I saw her play this at the Maroon 5 concert. It was amazing. It was a top gig.

Another reason why Chrome is the snazziest browser around

I was just going through my blog, and I discovered that Chrome will automatically open up the next page in your blog when you get to the last blog on the page you're one. Hoh my goodness. How snazzy.

Unless that's I a blogger thing that I just haven't noticed up til now...

Nope, it is a Chrome thing. Chrome is awesome. Chrome has spellchecker. Chrome is telling me that "hoh" is not a word (I know, I was just trying to sound English.) Chrome let's you Google things in the url bar.

Yes, Chrome is lovely.

Although I'm not quite as obsessive as Mabel, who feels that she has to download it every time she logs onto the computer at school.

Today I did short answer questions from chapter 6 through to 9...which now doesn't look like very much. Sigh. Ah well. I'll live. Hopefully.

I've been meaning to read the whole Redwall series, but the next one up is Martin the Warrior, and I just can't bring myself to read it. It's too sad. Yes, it's about a mouse. But it's all sdfhisdhpfihdsf. Why couldn't you just let him be happy for once? I don't know why it gets me so much. It's a little strange that it does. After all, he is a mouse. This is sounding more ridiculous by the second. I'll stop now.

And I have a whole bunch of things I want to draw during the hols. Including several birthday things.

Edit 7:52pm

Scratch that. I think it was just a Mac thing. A Mac/Chrome thing. Sigh. Maybe it's Chrome thing which I need to install...must ask the brother.

Rain, rain, rain go away

I get what all those people who comment on this video saying that they miss the "old" Kanye mean. I love his first two albums. All the gospel singing, and the stupid skits. Graduation and MBDTF are brilliant, it's just that it's a different type of style, and different subject matter. I preferred the rapping about the racism and poverty over the rapping about how awesome he is. Don't get me wrong - I love hearing them rap about how awesome they are - but there's just so much more...bittersweetness in the first two. It gets me in the heart. It's a different kind of appeal to the I'm awesome, and one which I like more I guess. 

And 808s...I don't really count as an album. For me, it went College Dropout, Late Registration (the best. Even the covers the best), Graduation, then MBDTF. That album art comment may actually be a little biased. I do judge books by their covers, but I maintain that good books will have good covers. However, the quality of the book might influence how I feel about the cover...

That's irrelevant and had no point. 

Rain. rain, rain go away. Let the sun come out. Keep your face to the rising sun. And I don't care about all the diamond rings. They don't mean a thing. All that glitters is not gold. 

Can we not stray?

I'm sick. Again. Sorta. Trying to fight it off with water, Xergic, honey and...asian stuff which is called Nin Jiong Pei Pa or something like that. Nommy. 

You said you wish you did not love me anymore. You left your flowers in the back seat of my car. The things we said may have left permanent scars. I've been lying in the dark no sunshine. She cries, "this is more than goodbye, when I look into your eyes you're not even there." You may not believe me but I gave you all I had.

This song off the new album. One of few good ones. How is quite good too. Maroon 5. Nom nom nom.

My nose hurts.

Fairy Tail. Makes me happy. Yay for Gray.

I was doing maths, then rage quite, and spent two hours trying to get Pokémon onto my DS

But now it works, after much blood, sweat and tears. And my phone no longer has an SD card. Oh, the sacrifices which must be made.

I once again named my character PSYDUCK in keeping with tradition, although time I'm a girl. Usually the guy sprite looks better, but this time they both look weird...I'll be a guy in Black. Professor Juniper also forced me to nickname my Tepig, so I called it BECTEEPIG. I did get the urge to name myself VOLTORB though...I will probably do that to my other character, and then name the Oshawott PSYDUCK, which will cause considerable confusion.

And I like having names in all caps.

The graphics are also crazy and 3D and make my eyes hurt. I miss the simplistic little sprites. I want to play the originals. Reading the manga at the moment as well. Pikachu is soooo cute in the manga. Sah cute.

And I hate that excruciating part at the start of the game where you haven't got running shoes/a bike. And I need Bec's DS so that I can infect my Pokémon with Pokérus. And I caught Mewtwo in SoulSilver. Baha.

And I just discovered how to make the pi symbol on a Mac. Like this: π.

Yay for π.

Seeing my ex-piano teacher tomorrow. Haven't seen her for some time. A little happy and excited.