Thursday, January 5

I have this weird throat achy thing going on

Apparently it's due to hayfever. It feels weird, cause it reminds me of the feeling you get when you want to cry. So I'm not altogether sure if it's only the hayfever. I'm tired and a little exhausted from so much thinking and stuff. It's alright most of the time. There are sorta three stages: ignorance and distraction, vague awareness in which it's more of a passing thought more than anything cause my day-to-day life hasn't been changed all that much, then active awareness in which I concentrate on the fact that this is my body, my mind is my own and it is real, and I realise. So most of the time I'm alright, cause I'm not actively thinking. I've been having weird thoughts, such as "why am I sad?" and stuff like that, but not in the usual context, where I know that it's just hormones and I'm being an emotional teenager, and I'm just frustrated that I can't control my mood swings better. This is more like, "what exactly is saddening about this?" and it seems simple, that it's just that the memories in your mind can never be made again, the totality of the fact that you can no longer pick up the phone and catch a tram. I still don't know if I am just tired. I mean, this particular change didn't affect my day-to-day life as much as the one a year ago. I haven't walked into that creaky house on Ashwood Grove for over a year. It had a nice smell. And the carpeted part was really creaky. And the back door was always stuck and made a really loud noise when you pushed it open. And the piano was usually too loud. The really extremely squishy couch on which I did my theory under the air conditioner. And this one's vague, but I think there used to be lollies on the table next to the window.

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