A long (probably will turn out being rather short actually) ramblynothing

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that I miss: being involved in music, or being with the people who were involved in it. I think it's a little bit of both. A lot of both. And also the fact that I'm no longer inherently, automatically included into that group. It actually hurts my heart. I will give it a name, cause then I sound less stupid. Actually, I probably sound more stupid. I shall name my heart Hilbert. Hilbert got all fluttery and excited thinking about outing for dinner on the day of the fry with people I like, which he probably shouldn't have cause nothing was finalised. But Hilbert got awful excited anyway, and ridiculously happy. Then plans went poof due to no one's fault, and Hilbert...just went thud. Completely deflated. Probably for several reasons involving not being able to see aforementioned people I like, and also realising, not for the first time, that the person I like actually, definitely, in no possible way, likes me back. So I'll probably spend Friday with other people I like. It's not that I don't love them just as much, I do. It's just that I will have, and have had, so many more chances to spend time with them this year, and experience a certain something in a certain setting which I want to experience with them, if that makes sense. I wanted this Friday night. I so badly wanted to relive, have another memory like that where I have dinner with a bunch of friends before going back to work on something. Even if I wouldn't have been able to have the second part, I would've loved to be part of the first.

Been stuck in my head all day. Also hurts my heart. Mitchell should've gone through. I think this was one of the songs associated with me back then. Flipping helltards, as Bec just said. Just...yeah.

11:02pm

Look at Mitchell's man stance...

11:21pm

And the hardest part was letting go not taking part. 

Monday 6th May
10:43am

So sleepy. At uni. Sitting here drinking in smells of food. Finally getting panicked about exams. Need to do this. And do it properly.

Don't dream too far.

The merry month of May

Uni said they would pay me sometime in May.

*obsessively checks bank account several times a day*

I check it as much as I check my email when I get bored.

Reading through texting convos

Or well, one in particular. It's like, a month ago, you still wanted me around, and then you didn't need me anymore. There's going to be reconstruction work to be done during the winter break.

3rd May
8:22pm

Ok, we're alright, you're more than alright, and I'm an idiot. Don't doubt, never doubt.

Today James Hird said to us many times, "be content with the past, happy with the present, and hope for the future."

I have discovered that I really do like you a lot. But at times, no, a lot of the time, you make me feel all the more fake. Well, just detached. And I told you stuff just then, but I don't know how seriously you took me. I still don't know you. Weird. I know what you're like. But I still don't know you.

Then, because of what we were talking, I was all thinking and stuff, then I was full on blog-stalking posts from one and a half, almost two years ago now. 

I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go. 

But all that's dead and gone and past.

Lala. I'm being paranoid. Again. Over thinking. Again. Should stop it. Can't.

7:16am, next day

My dear, it can be said that you still terrify me.

Because I don't think I blog about happy thoughts or events enough

The reason behind that is probably cause no one reads this anyway, and me blogging downer thoughts is just a cry for attention, and when I'm happy I'm not feeling particularly lacking attention cause that's just how my brain works. Ja.

It's sorta late. But I thought that it should be put out there that I'm happy at the moment. The assignment barrage is imminent, and I haven't started, and exams are only about five weeks away, but that anxiety will settle in later. At the moment, I feel alright. I have a loving family. I have a whole bunch of friends. I have people who will willingly go out of their way to talk to me, though I should probably rekindle some of those. I thought I broke something, but I don't think I have after all, and as a result of speaking up, I'm not longer agonising about it (which is actually probably what put me in this good mood). And I think I've finally managed to convince myself that I don't need to be with the guy I like (however, I'll probably not think the same in a few weeks. Or days. It comes and goes, this acceptance lark). When I'm happy I also work more, so that's a good thing. Need to knuckle down on that piano. Yep.

I'm sorta sleepy now though. I think I shall go sleep.

All that being said, I still miss high school and associated friends very much. I still miss being part of something, extremely. I miss my old piano teacher immensely. But at the moment, I'm doing alright.

I feel better now.

22nd April, 9:14pm

Watched The Voice. Wondered what Seal sang other than Kiss From A Rose and Fly Like An Eagle. Found this. I really like his smile. It's adorable. Oh, and his voice is pretty good too. He.

23rd April, 8:50am (why don't I just start another post...)

We were older then. 

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part.  

10:48pm

If I had a gun I'd shoot a hole into the sun and love would burn this city down for you. And if I has the time, I'd stopped the world and make you mine. Excuse me if I spoke too soon. My eyes have always followed you around the room, cause you're the only god that I have ever seen, I'm holding on and waiting for the moment for my heart to be unbroken by the seams.

24th April, 8:24am

You know I'd stay, but I just can't stand it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind.  So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway. Half the world away. I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down. No I don't feel down. 

I wish I could just stroll into a shop and casually play on some Steinways

You don't know my name. Will you ever know?

So I realised I've been an idiot...

...the 200mb of data in my phone plan is included. They don't charge me for it. I'm an idiot. Here I was, not using my phone last month cause I thought I'd blow it. But no, ends up I only used eighty of 160 bucks. Good job Sarah. Nice time to realise it. About 16 months into the plan. Yeah. I'm going to be a great lawyer. Or anything. Person.

My past week


Tuesday: Crashed Hello Dolly rehearsal with Cat. Waltzed to some interesting musical music. Lunched with friends was fun. Walked down Toorak Rd, was fun. Sat on grass next to Shrine, was fun. Had crab with family. Good stuff.

Wednesday...I drove? Switched lanes like a boss on Whitehorse Rd.

Thursday (being today). Crashed rehearsal again (what the hell am I doing with my life...), had piano lesson. Felt remotivated. Got home. Felt re-unmotivated. Crashed muso meeting for five minutes. Felt way too comfortable being there. Not a good thing because I don't actually belong there. Left. Had chocolatey things at MC. Was fun. Went home.

I feel rather unmotivated for anything at all. In other news, I got H1s in both my French things. So yeah, good thus far. Need to keep it up. Music is freaking me out. Again. Feel like I suck, feel unmotivated due to lack of skill, don't practice due to lack of motivation, don't get any better due to lack of practice, suck even more, etc. etc. Need to break the cycle...probably by practicing. But yeah. Don't feel any good at this. What's a piano?

I think I have an idea for Cat's present. Now, I must flesh it out.

And who the hell am I talking to...

Of the third week of being a tertiary student

I have some work to do...can't fall behind. That is bad.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night?

I miss quite a few things. I miss holding hands in French and linking arms. I miss standing in front of the ad board in the mornings. Being part of something in the music suite. Eating all that food in form. Ah. Form was great. A lot of things.

Wishing you were at my door. 

But I am doing goodly. Now I am off to shower and do some work. And things. Sleepy. Sneezy.

When not to do French homework

At 12:15am. After having had a fairly full day running on two or three hours of sleep. Especially if you're meant to understand and summarise a challenging enough but not too complicated piece of writing. My head. It can barely compute English.

And that is another brilliant piece of advice from Sarah.

Oh, and don't go Facebook stalking people whilst in the middle of homework. Creates unproductivity. Yeah. That's a word.

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky. I'm reaching out, but I just can't tell you why. I'm caught up in you. I'm caught up in you. Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun, and when you're close I feel like coming undone. In the middle of the night, when I'm in this dream. It's like a million little stars spelling out your name. You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together. Come on, come on. A little taste of heaven. 


Taylor Swift was great. Ahhhhhh. Yeah.

BACK TO FRENCH.