Clarity

I have been feeling better about life and missing high school and old friends etc. etc. but I think my moment of clarity and realisation came when I saw a photo on Facebook of someone with the school spoon and I didn't care anymore. I used to get wildly envious. I wanted to be important, I wanted to be recognised damn it give me a spoon to prove my worth! But I saw the photo and I am not consumed by envy and grief anymore, which is refreshing. That could change quickly but at the moment I am good and that is good. 

John Mayer next week!! 

By the time I recognise this moment this moment will be gone.

My favourite view in Melbourne. Never grow tired of it. 

I saw a photo of you on Facebook. While I wasn't watching, you grew up.

Tell you I miss you but I don't know how.  

About Me

I wonder if you think if me. I want to talk to you, let you know, let you see. In the past few months I've somehow managed to gain the confidence to not have to straighten my hair all the time, or tie it up when it's curly. I want to tell you about the weather at home, that there's smoke outside that my friend thought was fog. Work went well, and even if I don't have plans to stay there in the near future I'm glad I've had the experience. My dog has a rash on her tail that has largely healed now, and my neighbour's dog trespassed last week. I wonder if you're doing all right. I wonder why you lied. That's probably the biggest question. Let me know how your life is, let me hear your voice again. Let me tell you about how I cried over Nadal and unexpectedly made a friend at work who's 38 and who I have every intention of keeping in touch with. I recently started watching Arrow, and it has John Barrowman in there. I baked a cake for my brother, I bought a dress for my sister. I have too many soft toys and not enough. I screwed up a job interview but that's ok. 

Dear stranger, how do I get to know you again?

Summer time

There are kids somewhere down the street that are screaming their heads off and they sound like they're dying, and I sincerely hope that they're actually just playing extreme sports.

Kikki K gave me a birthday voucher of ten bucks, so now I have a lovely packet of highlighters that only cost me $2.95! It's also swelteringly hot, and I am dying of sweat.

I also baked a cake. I shall reveal the amazing pattern on it later once we take it out of the fridge.

Edit 5:23pm

Here is

End of January/Chinese New Year/nearing end of internship post!!!

I'm bad at post titles. I am currently sitting in the Melbourne Central food court cause work isn't for another half hour/forty minutes. I would go for a walk somewhere but I'm carrying a Thinkpad and cookies so I'll just be sleepy at this table instead and write about how sleepy I am. 

Uni is starting again soon!!!!!!!!!!!! All the admin things to take care of, all the friends to see before I don't see them for months again. Emails to send to change music teacher, set up music lessons, check if I got that tutoring job. Have to start exploring law related programs and apply for them despite my clear not first year law student status. IF YOU NEVER TRY YOU NEVER KNOW. 

I have much enjoyed internship. Met good people (note: should get around to adding everyone on LinkedIn. Very steep learning curves and all that. Got thrown in the end of audit that involves stuff I had not really encountered, which has been very useful. Rushed my performance review last night so I could give my manager more time to fill out his bit, hopefully it gets me through because it was very waffle. Need to update résumé. SO MUCH ADMIN THINGS TO DO. 

I will be a little sad to go. I met some really great people. It will be yet another one of those buildings which I will pass by and reflect on how I will never get that time back. Seem to be stacking those up. 

Should get to work. Will dawdle my way there. 

Edit 12:09am

I felt rather emotional saying my thank yous and good byes. 

Lessons of 2013

Soluble Panadol is disgusting, which I only found out last week due to my needing to gargle with it to kill viral throat or something.

Friends are hard to keep, and it's hard to unthink a thought. Good friends keep kind of just dropping away and it's so easy to lose people, but I find it so damn difficult to make good friends at this point in my life. Memories are hard to unmake, and once mistakes pile up, I find it more and more difficult to forgive. The more twisty a situation gets, the harder it is to untangle. Also, I'm super lazy and apathetic towards socialising outside of a small group of people. Extremely close friend wise, this year hasn't really been all that different from last year. I have made more or less one good friend, and lost more or less one as well. But good social acquaintances with whom I can have a laugh and a good conversation I have gained quite a few more of, and I am quite grateful for that. I'm glad for Enactus, cause it gives me something to do (which reminds me that I should be sending an email out some time soon). I'm glad for work, cause it has kept me nice and distracted from tiring and bad thoughts for a good month and a half.

I continue to remain extremely grateful for friends who can be bothered to message me, who can be bothered to say hi and suggest a catch-up. The ones who text me at uni to meet up, who'll send me amusing pictures of their day. Who ask 'how are you?' with genuine interest and caring feelings and things.

I need to be more sneaky.

Jealousy is useless, but alas, difficult to rid myself of.

Time and absence can make certain things better. Being away and cutting myself out from someone's life in any meaningful manner has made it easier to deal with particular someone when I do encounter them, and let's me be even slightly supportive when they need it! But the right music always manages to bring things back. Music is a very strong memory attracting recall boosting things.

I hate flying.

Good music at a good gig makes me smile ridiculously, and I can finally lay to rest that I will never get that epic performance feeling again. Not like it used to be. Unless I do manage to successfully jump into the speech night orchestra next year. But it's gone as a regular occurrence in my life, which is saddening, but I'll just live through the performers I watch.

People can be extremely cruel and frightening.

There is a high rate of mutual acquaintances.

Love stories that are random and that don't make sense really really annoy me.

Avatar The Last Airbender is an extremely well put together show. On the third rewatch since exams ended, and the sixth (I think) rewatch overall. Soooooooooo good. The ending was amazing, but at the same time, I hate the ending just cause it's an ending and endings are saaaaaad.

And that's it. I didn't learn all that much; to be quite honest, a lot of it was quite pointless struggle. But right now I feel alright, and that's a good thing.

We're breaking and rebuilding and we're growing, always guessing, never knowing. Shocking but we're nothing, we're just moments. We're clever but we're clueless. We're just human. Amusing, but confusing. We're trying, but where is this all leading? We never know.

I am listening to a song I have never liked, and it's been many years since I last heard it and it sounds even worse than I remembered, but omg the feels. I hate this song, the voice, the clunky lyrics, lack of nice melody. But it kind of hurts my heart.

I really hate this guy's voice. 

Home is where...

...you can exit your room many times after having gone to bed to go to the toilet without fear that you're going to be judged by other occupants of the building. 

Doom is coming and its name is Enterprise Performance Management

This is the most underprepared I've ever been for an exam. Oh well. Free crepes cause last exam woooo.

In other news I had a very strange dream where I was taking photos of animals, and somehow I got a star-nosed mole's nose stuck in my lens, which was pretty gross, so I yanked that out (it was a tiny orange thing). And then I realise that my entire lens had in fact been covered by a massive nose. Somehow I'd gotten so close to the mole that in adjusting my lens, I had managed to catch it's nose. So I had this massive slimy thing covering my whole lens, though funnily enough I could still see through it, and also oddly I had not been taking pictures of any moles star-nosed or otherwise, and in fact had been stalking some really pretty birds that flew away before I could take a photo.

And then there was a kangaroo on my rooftop.

Before that, I went to the west side for some reason, and got really upset once I got there cause I wanted to go home and the next tram was in half an hour so I was screaming and crying cause I needed to get back into the city to get home cause it was already past five and my mother would get angry at me. So some kindly homeless guy gives me twenty US bucks for a cab out, which wouldn't have helped much anyway, but then I magically got back to 'uni' (it didn't look like uni) and I still had his twenty bucks and felt bad cause I didn't need it after all so I gave it to my random homeless friend (this one was a different homeless guy to the one I'd gotten the money from). Yeah. And something about a shopping centre and not being able to find Julia...and speeches about people...and that's all I can remember.

But yes, my point was I have an exam in four hours and I don't know what's going on. Span of control. Goal congruence. Yeah I got this.

Progress

Things that I have made progress on during SWOTVAC/exam period:

Plants vs Zombies: Up to level 4-2

Plants vs Zombies 2: Lots of game time

Fullmetal Alchemist: Finished re-reading

Fullmetal Alchemist 2003: Finished watching

Castle: Five episodes

Movies: Iron Man 3

Needless to say business finance went a bit neglected.