I am an awkward

Self-consciousness has gotten to the point of ridiculous. Stalking old posts on someone's profile, clicked into status, saw a comment and liked it without thinking. Then panic ensued about people judging me about liking the comment when it was from almost two years ago about a slightly awkward subject matter for me despite comment poster not knowing me. Unliked. Desperately hoping that unliking somehow kills their notification. It won't. I will proceed to feel embarrassed for the rest of the day.

I need to calm down. 

Do you remember what summer was like?

So casually cruel in the name of being "honest"

Today I:

- Ate lunch by myself. 

- Got a tummy ache.

- Talked to a lot of people on Facebook throughout my PBL lecture. 

- Borrowed physical books from the library. 

- Got my blanket caught in my zip.

Can't go back. I'm haunted.

What I did today

Missed you

Edit at 8:07pm

It was a get halfway through laundry and feel weepy kind of missing. But oh well. 

It never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

I cleaned my room. I'd forgotten that I had left ten bucks in the jacket I took to America (for food when I got back). So I discovered ten bucks. So happy. I also have too much clothing for my cupboard, and only wished I had more. 

I wasn't particularly productive today, but I don't feel too bad. Actually feel semi on top of things. Probably cause my piano lesson is week after next, and not next week. It makes me slack. 

Went shopping for clothing yesterday (not for me unfortunately) which was greatly fun. Counted my friends today. I have about ten. And that's quite enough to be getting on with and I should be content with that. I have good people. 

But yeah. Cannot wait til summer break. So close now. 

Put your heart up close to my ear

I don't want to fall in love with you again. I'm so afraid I'm capable of it. And after time I can't accept you're still the song on my breath. You're not easy to forget.

Say the words that you know I want to hear. Put your heart up close to my ear. We don't need to know the time. We can stay til the day turns to night.

Yay musics. Massive waves of lack of motivation in the past couple of days. Combination of having lots to do, and being half sick, and just general bad mood and tired, and feelings of inadequacy and all the usual happy things. I blame the mid-sem break not actually being halfway through semester. Makes it tiring and draining for all. It also isn't two weeks this semester. Yes, I am miffed that the half of the year that I do actually have uni to go to isn't broken up by even more breaks. 

Despite my melancholy mood, I think I am starting to enjoy uni (finally). It's a gradual shifting of not so much missing high school, and more being happy when I'm actually at uni even when I am by myself, though I am still not entirely used to being alone sometimes. 

I feel like if I'm blogging I should at least try to make it worth the while of whoever is reading. So let me tell you a random fact...um. There are three conditions that must be met for an agreement to be considered a legally enforceable 'contract'. Both parties must intend for it to be considered as such, it must be executed in deed or consideration from both parties must be given, and there must be an offer and acceptance of the offer i.e. an indication from both parties that they agree to be bound on the stated terms. 

And that is what you can take away from today's blog post. That, and that our best estimate of tomorrow's price of a security is today's price, plus some random error (assuming weak-form market efficiency). 

I seem to be encountering many twins lately

And I have decided I would be a horrible twin. It would freak me out too much for someone else to have my face. 

Update in anticipation for spring

And because it's almost spring, Melbourne just suddenly got warmer. It's nice. I hate the cold. 

I feel good of late. Still nervous about piano (should stop blogging and hop to practicing), but mostly still good. Who knew that things would be so much better with emails to write and people to liaise with? Two balls and retreat to look forward to in next couple of months, and hopefully new people who will be wonderful. I am on a wonderful team. I think of the other positions I applied for, and I am so so glad I ended up in this one. The experience is more varied, the team is amazing, and I get to meet so many more people. And the team is great. We are 3/5 MacRob, which amuses me. I feel lucky. Even though getting in is lucky enough, I feel lucky to have landed in the role I have. I am so glad everything ended up aligning the way it did with my uni and course choices, and going to the US and just happening to be room mates with someone amazing who led me to this. A chain of fortunate events. 

Despite the fact that I listened to a lot of depressing music in an attempt to depress my head off today, I think it was a good day in a milestone kind of way

Due to one main reason. I got a call from Enactus to ask me in for an interview for the HR position. If all goes well, which I really, really, hope it does, I get to work on something worthwhile, a proper project, work in a proper team with people who will hopefully know me and be pleasing to work with for the first time in almost two years. I want this. I need it. I haven't wanted something this badly in a long time, mostly because I don't fail. I have had everything handed to me on a plate, and anything that I've been rejected for, I either a) don't really care about very much, just did it cause it's worth a shot or b) I know that I don't have much of a chance, and I just did it cause it's worth a shot. Sometimes a combination of the two. The last time I was actually rejected for something I wanted because I screwed up was trying to go on French exchange at the end of year ten. Which actually ended up working out for the better, because I never would have met the people I know had I not gone in year eleven. I know if I don't get this, I'll get another shot. I will continue to spam them with applications. It's just I want this, and I want it now. It'll likely be the cause of a lot of stress because of lack of time/my procrastinating habit and things, but I still want it.

My phone is also being really weird and not wanting to receive certain messages. I keep accidentally ignoring people then thinking they're ignoring me and it turns into this massive loop of WHERE ARE YOU WHY AREN'T YOU REPLYING???

Today was also good because...I am gradually working on putting the different people in my life together, and working on actually being able to interact with other people's friends. Which is again, something I needed, something I still need.

Rehearsal today was also good. I am on a bass clarinet once more, and even though it hurts my shoulders, I'm happy. I'm ridiculously happy to be back on bass. Which reminds me that I need to buy reeds right now. It's a good ensemble, and even though I still walk to the tram stop by myself afterwards, it's fun to play in, the conductor is lovely and the people are also lovely. It's a guaranteed killer of loneliness for two hours. I'm not going to get the old stuff back. In the near future, I am not going to be playing in front of audiences that are anything like the size of the ones I used to play for. But as long as the music is good and the people are fun, that's quite rewarding.

I also have a ball to look forward to. Last week I also talked to people in piano class, and I say hi to them when I see them. Very, very small steps. I'm still listening to a lot of sad music, and feeling ridiculously emotional about it, but that's more emotion than it is lonely. People have gone, and well, I should lay that to rest and stop chasing after head-friends. If they're here, it's good. If they're not, I still have those who've stayed. I'm still scared of a lot of things. Today I was staring at my reflection on the train and realising that I've been selfish and conceited once again, exactly like I was last time. It's unlikely to change in any big way, but it's a good thing to realise.

 

Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms. Keep me safe from harm in pouring rain. Give me endless summer, Lord, I fear the cold. Feel I'm getting old before my time. As my soul heals the shame, I will grow old through this pain. Lord, I'm doing all I can to be a better man. Go easy on my conscience, cause it's not my fault. I know I've been taught to take the blame. Rest assured my angels will catch my tears. Walk me out of here. I'm in pain. 

There is still anger and guilt and blame that needs to be worked on. That'll all come back again and again and I don't think it'll ever really go away. But right now, at this very moment, I feel alright despite the fact that I'm really tired and I'm not going to be able to sleep with all this wind making lots of noise. I actually feel alright.  

I can feel the storm clouds sucking up my soul

I want someone to look at me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread. We all know how much I like bread. I do miss the constant adoration. We somehow ended up here. We made quite a mess, baby. We're probably better off this way. Had a good night with some friends. Slowly breaking down the hugging uni friends barrier. It still feels a little awkward. I miss belonging. I miss knowing that there would always be someone. I have someones. I miss being important. I feel small. This is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this. We walked past each other like we didn't know each other and that mucked me up, more than it should have. 

Sunshine is followed by the thunder, with thoughts of going under. And is it any wonder why the sea's calling out to me?

I wish I felt like the best thing since sliced bread. 

Feel like I'm losing my mind. Shake it up, let it go, I don't care anymore. Just go numb. 

So blank. I'm hungry. I want that sliced bread I keep talking of. 

Recent developments

So I am back at uni and things feel a little more on track, a bit more meaningful than before. I'm rethinking some career paths, which is always good, I have made new friends and there are actually familiar faces around campus. Keeping busy with various volunteering and other things. I don't deal well with pressure and I should. So many shoulds. 

I feel better about music possibly because of a teacher change. And I'm playing some nice stuff. It doesn't stop me from missing my old piano teacher though. A lot of missing of people lately. But new people also come along, and you keep the old that make the effort. 

I can hear the distant barking of dogs and ringing in my ears. Watched some Adventure Time. Was originally going to start teen wolf but that's scary at night. As is Firefly. Murder crime show Castle isn't though. 

She came to tell me

It'll be alright 

All things end

Night turns to light

I looked in my eyes

You're from the past

All things end 

No light will last

And every time she falls apart

She falls right into her shadow's arms

And every time she falls apart 

Only her shadow holds her in the dark