I have discovered that I really do like you a lot. But at times, no, a lot of the time, you make me feel all the more fake. Well, just detached. And I told you stuff just then, but I don't know how seriously you took me. I still don't know you. Weird. I know what you're like. But I still don't know you.

Then, because of what we were talking, I was all thinking and stuff, then I was full on blog-stalking posts from one and a half, almost two years ago now. 

I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go. 

But all that's dead and gone and past.

Lala. I'm being paranoid. Again. Over thinking. Again. Should stop it. Can't.

7:16am, next day

My dear, it can be said that you still terrify me.

Because I don't think I blog about happy thoughts or events enough

The reason behind that is probably cause no one reads this anyway, and me blogging downer thoughts is just a cry for attention, and when I'm happy I'm not feeling particularly lacking attention cause that's just how my brain works. Ja.

It's sorta late. But I thought that it should be put out there that I'm happy at the moment. The assignment barrage is imminent, and I haven't started, and exams are only about five weeks away, but that anxiety will settle in later. At the moment, I feel alright. I have a loving family. I have a whole bunch of friends. I have people who will willingly go out of their way to talk to me, though I should probably rekindle some of those. I thought I broke something, but I don't think I have after all, and as a result of speaking up, I'm not longer agonising about it (which is actually probably what put me in this good mood). And I think I've finally managed to convince myself that I don't need to be with the guy I like (however, I'll probably not think the same in a few weeks. Or days. It comes and goes, this acceptance lark). When I'm happy I also work more, so that's a good thing. Need to knuckle down on that piano. Yep.

I'm sorta sleepy now though. I think I shall go sleep.

All that being said, I still miss high school and associated friends very much. I still miss being part of something, extremely. I miss my old piano teacher immensely. But at the moment, I'm doing alright.

I feel better now.

22nd April, 9:14pm

Watched The Voice. Wondered what Seal sang other than Kiss From A Rose and Fly Like An Eagle. Found this. I really like his smile. It's adorable. Oh, and his voice is pretty good too. He.

23rd April, 8:50am (why don't I just start another post...)

We were older then. 

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part.  

10:48pm

If I had a gun I'd shoot a hole into the sun and love would burn this city down for you. And if I has the time, I'd stopped the world and make you mine. Excuse me if I spoke too soon. My eyes have always followed you around the room, cause you're the only god that I have ever seen, I'm holding on and waiting for the moment for my heart to be unbroken by the seams.

24th April, 8:24am

You know I'd stay, but I just can't stand it and I can feel the warning signs running around my mind.  So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway. Half the world away. I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down. No I don't feel down. 

I wish I could just stroll into a shop and casually play on some Steinways

You don't know my name. Will you ever know?

So I realised I've been an idiot...

...the 200mb of data in my phone plan is included. They don't charge me for it. I'm an idiot. Here I was, not using my phone last month cause I thought I'd blow it. But no, ends up I only used eighty of 160 bucks. Good job Sarah. Nice time to realise it. About 16 months into the plan. Yeah. I'm going to be a great lawyer. Or anything. Person.

My past week


Tuesday: Crashed Hello Dolly rehearsal with Cat. Waltzed to some interesting musical music. Lunched with friends was fun. Walked down Toorak Rd, was fun. Sat on grass next to Shrine, was fun. Had crab with family. Good stuff.

Wednesday...I drove? Switched lanes like a boss on Whitehorse Rd.

Thursday (being today). Crashed rehearsal again (what the hell am I doing with my life...), had piano lesson. Felt remotivated. Got home. Felt re-unmotivated. Crashed muso meeting for five minutes. Felt way too comfortable being there. Not a good thing because I don't actually belong there. Left. Had chocolatey things at MC. Was fun. Went home.

I feel rather unmotivated for anything at all. In other news, I got H1s in both my French things. So yeah, good thus far. Need to keep it up. Music is freaking me out. Again. Feel like I suck, feel unmotivated due to lack of skill, don't practice due to lack of motivation, don't get any better due to lack of practice, suck even more, etc. etc. Need to break the cycle...probably by practicing. But yeah. Don't feel any good at this. What's a piano?

I think I have an idea for Cat's present. Now, I must flesh it out.

And who the hell am I talking to...