Sometimes these things are way too real

Being on Blogger may not be good for what I am about to blog about. But I want to get this down before I...forget the feeling.

It's just something, a little dream of mine, that's been growing on my mind for quite some time. I want to make music my life, as someone once said to me, and become a professional musician. In my mind, that means performer. But it's hard, it's a difficult industry to get into, all these reasons not to do it. And being who I am, I also want to be filthy rich, and I don't know how well performing would pay. Yes, it's a deciding factor for me. "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari."

Well, not a deciding factor. But a contributing one at the very least.

But apart from all that, I'm afraid of my lack of commitment, skill and dedication. And conviction too I guess. I want to be sure of the path. I don't want to have done it for six or seven years, then suddenly decide or feel that it's not right for me. I'm afraid to lose my enthusiasm. I miss it, I miss playing piano and practising. But what happens when I don't?  What happens when I don't enjoy it anymore?

The problem is that I can see this so much clearer than I can see anything else. I've got these images in my head or being in a hall with an orchestra, recording or something. It's so much more real than any dreams I've got of being a lawyer or whatever. Probably because I've felt it and experienced it before.

But it's hard to get too. My lack of dedication is sorta showing in the fact that I'm blogging about this instead of doing homework to get the 99.95 I want so that I can get a scholarship to get money to do crazy things about this musical dream.

I wonder where other people decided, "this is it for me"? When they decided to commit their life to it. Was there ever a decision? Or did they already have it planned since childhood? I'm also afraid of that. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not a child prodigy. I'm good, yes. I can make good music. I can make special music. But so can so many others.

I'm afraid of how real this seems to me. And that when this dream shatters, it'll shatter so bad that I won't be able to build another.

Where are your guts to fly?

Procrastination and aiming high don't really go well together

I haven't done any work since I got home...well, I've added about 150 words to my French general convo since my return at about 4:30. Yeah. After dinner I read a little bit. And now I find myself here. I was all like, "yeah, I'm going to do this English essay now instead of leaving it until Friday night/Saturday morning to complete for my tutor Saturday afternoon", but I left my English stuff at home*. Well done Sarah.

So I'll write some spec notes instead. But it feels so much less fulfilling...

She was a reader, a dreamer; she lived to embody; He was logic and truth and practicality.
She was too big for his heart, too big.
Too big...

*Edit at 5:57pm on the 22nd July 2011
I meant school.

I was going to write a teenage angst post (or well, it was actually bordering between angst and nothingness) about an hour ago, but then backed away from the computer and played some clarinet instead. And then I did some French after that. For some strange reason, I just forgot that I had done the French, and thought I'd wiled away 28 minutes doing nothing in particular on the internet. I say nothing in particular cause I didn't even go on Facebook. Yay for restraint.

So I think that was pretty productive. That being said, I am on blogger...going to do some spesh now.

And Harry Potter music is quite nice. Hhsfidfajfksjf I have Lord of the Rings craving. And I also want to watch the Godfather. And Up. And a whole bunch of other things.

Rainbows

I saw two rainbows today. 

Yes two. Are you jealous? One on top of the other. It was rather swell.

Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me. 

Ways to procrastinate

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